I've had a terrible day today, first my EX got ran over by a bus
then I got sacked from my job................................... as a bus driver.
then I got sacked from my job................................... as a bus driver.
joke
- Thread starter Silent Earth
- Start date
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I heard the worst joke ever the other day. What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk. Ughhh!
Dog Food Diet
While waiting in line at my local Wal-Mart with a 50lbs bag of dog food, I had a woman ask me if I was going to feed my dogs. Now I’m a big fan of “here’s your sign” so this is how I responded… “No actually I’m on the dog food diet, you just carry around a small bag of dog food and any time you get hungry you eat a handful. Works great, last time I lost 30lbs, but I ended up in the hospital for a week.” By now everyone else in line is listening including the woman who asked the stupid question and I knew she was about to ask another one. I had to hold back laughter when she said “OMG, what happened? Did you get sick from all the dog food?” Without cracking a smile I responded, “Nope, I was sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls when I got hit by a car.” Everyone in line busted out laughing and the woman stormed off. I have to add though,
While waiting in line at my local Wal-Mart with a 50lbs bag of dog food, I had a woman ask me if I was going to feed my dogs. Now I’m a big fan of “here’s your sign” so this is how I responded… “No actually I’m on the dog food diet, you just carry around a small bag of dog food and any time you get hungry you eat a handful. Works great, last time I lost 30lbs, but I ended up in the hospital for a week.” By now everyone else in line is listening including the woman who asked the stupid question and I knew she was about to ask another one. I had to hold back laughter when she said “OMG, what happened? Did you get sick from all the dog food?” Without cracking a smile I responded, “Nope, I was sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls when I got hit by a car.” Everyone in line busted out laughing and the woman stormed off. I have to add though,
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
I got so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"[
I`ve stopped drinking and smoking, now I just have to learn how to stop lying.
Are you sure you're not from the states!
A company started making exploding Muslim prayer mats. Profits are going thru the roof.
There is definitely some british blood in your makeup
An Englishman, Arab and American were discussing cultural differences between each society, the Arab chap asked
" Which hand do you wipe your behind with in America, In Arabia we use the left hand and eat with the right?"
The American chap retorted " Shoot we Americans have a liberal society we use either Left or Rights to wipe our asses as it suits us in the land of the free"
They both then turned to the Englishman and said " which hand do you wipe your behinds with in Britain"
To which the Englishman just sighed and said
" Gentlemen I am English I use toilet paper not my hand"
" Which hand do you wipe your behind with in America, In Arabia we use the left hand and eat with the right?"
The American chap retorted " Shoot we Americans have a liberal society we use either Left or Rights to wipe our asses as it suits us in the land of the free"
They both then turned to the Englishman and said " which hand do you wipe your behinds with in Britain"
To which the Englishman just sighed and said
" Gentlemen I am English I use toilet paper not my hand"
