My Son Passed Away..... Do I still have a DIL

[FarmersDaughter]

So here is the dilemma. My son passed (D) away in 2013 from cancer.

My daughter in law (J) whom I love and is an awesome woman gave him 2 children a girl and a boy ( my grandchildren). I get it they are still my grandchildren.

Now.

October 2023 my DIL (daughter in law) gets married again to a wonderful man (whom also had a spouse die from cancer and is a widower with 5 children which are much much older - not sure how old Toby - the new husband really is....3 of the children.... they are grown and on there own except for 2 which are still around 12 - 14 years old

So.
We get invited to the wedding.... something not easy to go to let me tell you.
They invited the deceased wife's parents / siblings/ family also along with mine.

Are you following this?

The 1st question is do I now have a new son in law.... do I now have new grandchildren?

Put yourself in my chair.... I like them all..... but what do I call "Toby" my DIL's Husband.... LOL

So then.
My daughter shortly after her brothers death (my son/ her brother) did not take it so well... she and her brother / my son were SOOOOOoooooo close. She went off the deep end and divorced her husband ie my son in law SIL.... Scott.... whom I love dearly he is an awesome man also.

SHE marries a man with 4 children. Mind you she has 2 of her own. Now she has 6 children.... yea OH MY is right!

Now as all of a sudden I have NEW grandchildren or so society tells me, right?

Compare the 2 dilemmas above and tell me how they differ..... this is ALL VERY TRUE, THIS IS FOR REAL I SWEAR TO GOD.

Think about this before you answer it.... its not that simple. All these new people in my life that are way beyond ones comprehension.

I thank the Lord that I gave up all the religious holidays long ago - actually shortly after my sons passing, I found out alot of things that are not true... but thats another post.

Try to wrap your head around this. Its to the point that I look at this and all I can do is laugh. How does this happen to one Mom..... is she still my DIL? do I have a new SIL?

Is my daughter's 'old' husband' still my SIL? Because I have a new SIL since she is a diverce' and I have a new SIL now.... or society tells me.....He is the father of my grandkids....

I don't think about this often, but it does cross my mind once in a blue moon. How many SIL's do I have,..... do I still have a DIL? Do I have a lot more grand children than I had before 10/2023? How do you wrap your head around this... LOL its NUTS!!

 

[Tootsie]

She will be your daughter in love/law forever. You are blessed to have your family grow and be a part of it.

 

[sonya123]

I am still friends with my ex sister in law and I get along with my exs new wife and their kids. I have 2 kids, one from ex one from current husband. The one from ex considers her step and half brothers and sisters from her dad's new wife her brothers and sisters. My daughter just says she has 2 dads ( my husband and her real dad) they even both gave her away at her wedding. I know your situation is different because of the death of your son ( wow, that sucks very much, so sorry) but it comes down to blended families, which I think are ok. Hope this helps?

( when we were first married , current husband, his mom did not consider my daughter her grandkid, and my husband got on her case real fast and told her to treat both of our kids the same way!!! She actually only gave our son a Christmas present the first year and NOT my daughter, wow)

 

[Weedygarden]

I think she is still your daughter in law. She just has a new husband. I read stories about how people are not open and accepting in situations like this. If everyone is kind and accepting of you, return that to them. Be open and accepting of them. God has expanded your family.

I am sorry for your loss of your son. It must be hard to lose a child.

 

[Caribou]

You are being treated like family. How you respond is up to you. My parents divorced and both remarried. My third set of grandparents treated me like a grandson. My biological fathers parents called my mother her daughter and introduced my new dad as her son-in-law.

I had an uncle that was married to the widow of of my stepfather's brother. She died and he remarried a family friend that was also a widow. He was still my uncle, in my heart, with three non-blood steps away from me.

Is it really so hard to accept the decision of someone you love? Would your son want you to shun her? Would he want you to be part of your grandchildren's lives. The more you accept the union the more you will see the grandkids. Does he treat her right? I know you still feel the loss of your son. This man has accepted another man's children to raise as his own.

 

[Morgan101]

It sounds like you still care deeply for your daughter in law, and you still have grandchildren. They are welcoming you into their new extended family, and if it was me I would accept the invitation and be happy I was included.

My brother in law passed away about 15 years ago, and we still consider his wife a sister in law and include her, and her new significant other in all family gatherings. There has never been any drama or awkward situations. Everyone is welcome.

 

[Biggkidd]

Your DIL will always be your DIL but the new "grandkids" will depend on both you and them / their family.

 

[HippoTwilight]

This sounds like a case where she's chosen to "adopt" you into her family despite loosing the direct link of your son. In my experience these are the best kinds of family, the ones that exist regardless of a blood bond. How you interact with her new step-kids is your problem to figure out though.

 

[havasu]

I thank it is great that she is still including you into her life!
Life is short, cherish it all!

 

[LadyLocust]

I would simply say if you want them in your life and they want you as part of theirs, appreciate that love regardless of title.

 

[Dani]

You have experienced A LOT and a Mother's LOVE is FOREVER. So did your poor DIL. It wasn't her choice to loose a Husband that she chose to love for life. And neither was it her new Husband's choice to lose his love and the Mother of his kids. Life unfortunately happens. To cherish her and your son's kids are a given. It's going to be up to you along with him and his kids on how you want to move forward. His kids lost a big influence in their life, but especially the 2 youngest. You could help influence their life in a very impactful way.

I know my MIL experienced something sorta like this. She had an ex-daughter in law that she stayed in touch with YEARS, we are talking at least 50, after the divorce and always spoke highly of her and the new husband. No kids were born in the marriage with her son though. I don't know if she and the new husband had kids. She never talked about that. Can say that if one of her sons married a woman who already had kids, she accepted them as her own.

It being a marriage from your own kids, it would be easier to accept new grandkids. IDK. Think it would depend on your relationship.

 

[Haertig]

I've learned a few new words since my daughter moved to Hawaii. She has explained them to me. And adopted them herself.

You have a large and loving "ohana". And there are lots of "keiki" that you love. You might want to look up these Hawaiian terms and possibly start using them. They are very inclusive of relatives and inlaws that you don't know how to "name" in the English language. Just what would you call your daughter-in-laws kids that she had with her new husband? I don't think there is an English word for that. Probably not even an English word for the new husband. The best we can do in the English language is try to shoe horn them in to some term we are familiar with, like "grandkids" or "son-in-law". Not an exact fit, but it's probably the closest we'll come to a match.

But in Hawaiian, the kids are "keiki". And the new husband is "ohana". It sounds to me like your situation is perfect for you to adopt some Hawaiian words. They are loving words. And easy to remember.

https://www.hawaiistar.com/what-does-keiki-mean-in-hawaiian/
https://collectionsofwaikiki.com/ohana-meaning/

 

[joel]

I have no grand children, one is married with no plans to have children.
The other said, I has not found the right one.
I would love to have grand children, of Course I do not want anyone to die.
Now that you have crossed that bridge, it is important to treat every child the same.

 

[Tim Horton]

his mom did not consider my daughter her grandkid,
== ==
Not this particularly, but I have seen parents of people who have adopted foreign born children not accept them as ..grand children.. It was so sad to see a toddler at there knee and have them tell the kid ..go to your mother.. Who in there right mind would refuse the attention of a small child ?? What a selfish, lonely way to live...

 

[SLC]

So here is the dilemma. My son passed (D) away in 2013 from cancer.

My daughter in law (J) whom I love and is an awesome woman gave him 2 children a girl and a boy ( my grandchildren). I get it they are still my grandchildren.

Now.

October 2023 my DIL (daughter in law) gets married again to a wonderful man (whom also had a spouse die from cancer and is a widower with 5 children which are much much older - not sure how old Toby - the new husband really is....3 of the children.... they are grown and on there own except for 2 which are still around 12 - 14 years old

So.
We get invited to the wedding.... something not easy to go to let me tell you.
They invited the deceased wife's parents / siblings/ family also along with mine.

Are you following this?

The 1st question is do I now have a new son in law.... do I now have new grandchildren?

Put yourself in my chair.... I like them all..... but what do I call "Toby" my DIL's Husband.... LOL

So then.
My daughter shortly after her brothers death (my son/ her brother) did not take it so well... she and her brother / my son were SOOOOOoooooo close. She went off the deep end and divorced her husband ie my son in law SIL.... Scott.... whom I love dearly he is an awesome man also.

SHE marries a man with 4 children. Mind you she has 2 of her own. Now she has 6 children.... yea OH MY is right!

Now as all of a sudden I have NEW grandchildren or so society tells me, right?

Compare the 2 dilemmas above and tell me how they differ..... this is ALL VERY TRUE, THIS IS FOR REAL I SWEAR TO GOD.

Think about this before you answer it.... its not that simple. All these new people in my life that are way beyond ones comprehension.

I thank the Lord that I gave up all the religious holidays long ago - actually shortly after my sons passing, I found out alot of things that are not true... but thats another post.

Try to wrap your head around this. Its to the point that I look at this and all I can do is laugh. How does this happen to one Mom..... is she still my DIL? do I have a new SIL?

Is my daughter's 'old' husband' still my SIL? Because I have a new SIL since she is a diverce' and I have a new SIL now.... or society tells me.....He is the father of my grandkids....

I don't think about this often, but it does cross my mind once in a blue moon. How many SIL's do I have,..... do I still have a DIL? Do I have a lot more grand children than I had before 10/2023? How do you wrap your head around this... LOL its NUTS!!

I have long said "relatives happen because 2 horny people have sex and a baby is born". What matters is who you love. If you admire and care about your daughter-in-law and her new family, then they are your family.