News from The Babylon Bee

[Sentry18]

If you have not been to their site, you are missing out. They are fake news, but in the RIGHT way. I see so many of these, and laugh about them, that I felt like we needed a thread to post the latest and greatest Babylon Bee stories.

Here's one about the University of Kansas and Chick-Fil-A.

https://babylonbee.com/news/university-of-kansas-labels-my-pleasure-as-hate-speech

University Of Kansas Labels 'My Pleasure' As Hate Speech
September 4th, 2019

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LAWRENCE, KS—The University of Kansas has labeled the phrase "my pleasure" as hate speech after students were triggered during a visit to a campus Chick-fil-A. According to reports, one staff member approached a group of students seventeen times during their half-hour visit, just to check on them.

"He just kept coming over to us like we needed something," said senior Kelly Davis. "I'm an adult, I don't need help refilling my soda. That is, unless my mom comes to visit. She usually does that for me, I guess. This guy though, he just seemed too happy to be at work."

The worst part, according to the students, was every time the staff member walked away from the table, he said "my pleasure" in response to their requests, as if he actually enjoyed his job. This set the students off so bad that they eventually left their food at the table and walked to the counselor's office, crying. Other students reported that the staff member quickly cleaned up the mess, packaged the food in case the students returned, and said "my pleasure" to nobody in particular.

The reason the students were so upset can be attributed to school curriculum concerning employment. According to the University of Kansas, the definition of work is, "a task one is forced to do at gunpoint for a capitalist." The university defines pleasure as "enjoyment and entertainment; not done out of necessity for a capitalist or fascist." This seems to indicate that Chick-fil-A employees genuinely enjoy doing their job for a fascist capitalist (and likely, racist).

"Only a fascist Christian would actually enjoy their job," a school counselor claimed. "This is the root of fascism and hate. You see these people at work, they greet you, they say 'welcome to Chick-fil-A, my pleasure.' They enjoy it. Never in my ten plus years at this university have I met one student who actually enjoyed their job, let alone their career choice. It's just wrong. These hateful words should be banned."

The University of Kansas had no choice but to outright ban the phrase "my pleasure" due to its origins in Christian fascism. Students praised the decision by packing up their anti-Chick-fil-A signs and going back to the dorms to sleep off their hangovers. Chick-fil-A is currently working on rephrasing their greetings to better suit their Kansas comrades.

 

[Sentry18]

And one about Walmart.

https://babylonbee.com/news/walmart...g-in-sleepwear-even-in-states-where-its-legal

Walmart Asks Customers To Stop Shopping In Sleepwear, Even In States Where It's Legal
September 4th, 2019

BENTONVILLE, AR—The largest retail chain in the country is doing its part to curb one of the worst social epidemics of our generation. Walmart recently announced that it is asking its customers to refrain from visiting the stores dressed in pajamas, even in states where the practice is legal.

Walmart CEO Doug McMillon said it’s up to companies and business leaders to be the change they want to see happen in the world. “Somehow, our stores have created a culture where people think it's perfectly acceptable to go out in public in whatever they slept in,” McMillon said. “We're trying to change that.”

The controversial announcement is being applauded by supporters, but receiving pushback from shoppers who see no good reason to get dressed before leaving the house.

“What am I supposed to do, rent a tuxedo to buy a box of Pop-Tarts?” said Butch Trubinsky, a Walmart customer wearing an adult onesie and flip flops. “It’s Walmart for goodness’ sake.”

Walmart executives say any negative response to the announcement is proof that the change is necessary. They further explained that this is merely a suggestion by the company and not an enforceable policy, much like their directive that customers wear a shirt and shoes while shopping.

 

[Amish Heart]

Ya never know about those Walmart people.
We'd have parents (on state assistance) drop their children for the day and the parents were in pj's. Didn't look like they were even pretending to go to work.

 

[Weedygarden]

Ya never know about those Walmart people.
We'd have parents (on state assistance) drop their children for the day and the parents were in pj's. Didn't look like they were even pretending to go to work.

Maybe working from home?

 

[Amish Heart]

Ha Ha
Not

 

[Sentry18]

https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-claims-that-225-snopes-rates-mostly-true

Snopes Rates Biden's Claim That 2+2=5 As 'Mostly True'
September 2nd, 2019

U.S.—Joe Biden recently made a strange claim: that 2+2=5. He was ridiculed for his gaffe after making the statement while speaking at an elementary school. The kids all said, "Hey, dummy! The answer is 4, not 5!"

But the crack squad of fact-checkers at Snopes quickly got to work on Biden's incredulous claim. Their findings? Biden's statement was actually "mostly true."

"Sure, Biden got some key details wrong," said Bob Snopes, founder of Snopes. "But the central concept of what he was saying, that two numbers put together make another number, was completely accurate. Sometimes two and two make four. Sometimes they are five. Sometimes they are three. Sometimes they are all of them at once. It is not easy to become sane."

The website's 6,000-word defense/fact-check of Biden's claim further pointed out that 80% of the answer was correct, and it's only the one additional number that was a mixture of truth and falsehood.

As the event neared its conclusion, Biden claimed there were five spotlights lighting up the stage even though there were clearly four. One bald man in the back shouted, "There are four lights!" but was dragged from the room for reeducation.

 

[Amish Heart]

Common core math

 

[Sentry18]

https://babylonbee.com/news/walmart-discontinues-sale-of-auto-parts-to-prevent-car-accidents

Walmart Discontinues Auto Part Sales To Prevent Car Accidents
September 3rd, 2019

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BENTONVILLE, AR—In a bold move intended to curb the thousands of deaths from vehicles each and every day, Walmart has decided to stop selling auto parts, sources confirmed Tuesday.

According to shocking reports, people have purchased car parts at Walmart and then those cars have been involved in accidents, proving a direct correlation between selling auto parts and causing deaths.

"We can no longer be complicit in an industry that kills over 3,000 people a day," said a spokesperson for Walmart. "Every time we sell a muffler, steering wheel cover, or flame decal, we are potentially causing the death of a person, and we cannot support that any longer."

"It's clear that bad drivers and poor road conditions don't cause vehicular deaths---cars do."

Walmart executives said they are beating themselves with a stick to atone for the deaths they've already caused.

"Our consciences will only be clean when we've been mercilessly beaten once for each of the millions of deaths that have been caused by automobiles since Walmart began selling auto parts," said one executive before solemnly beginning to beat himself with a baseball bat.

 

[phideaux]

When they stop selling baseball caps, without directions to wear bill forward,
Many have suffered severe facial sunburn because of no instructions.

Then I'll believe they care.

Not until.


Jim