15 yo grandson and prepping

[Ginger]

My 15 year old grandson is arriving tomorrow to come live with us. His background is tragic. Lost his dad to a drug overdose several years ago and his mom is just a mess.

He lies, steals, does drugs, refuses to go to school and is determined "nobody is going to tell him what to do".

I have prayed and sought advice on whether to let him come. I have come to the conclusion that he deserves a chance...I will lay my head down at night knowing I gave him that chance.

I need ideas on how to set this situation up for success...if he is willing to do the work. We live on a 16 acre farm with over 100 animals and we are 30 miles away from town. Most of our neighbors are aware of his history and are willing to "help". He will be home schooled by me. I need good practical ideas to set this boy up for success! He has been beat down enough by fanatical idiots and I don't think he has enough life experience to even understand what a "hobby" is. I plan the first week to focus on detoxing and decompression...and to grow from that foundation.

Thanks in advance for any ideas I can use to help this boy grow into a "as well grounded man" as possible!

 

[lonewolf]

good luck with that, your going to need it.

 

[Amish Heart]

We raise three grandchildren that had similar situations. Keep the mama drama away from him entirely. Give him a wake up schedule, eating schedule, sleeping schedule. He'll need about ten hours a night. Get rid of the video games, social media, and only allow a limited time on the phone or computer. Define expected daily chores, and do not give an option on them, but give expectation on how and when they should be completed. Start by doing them together. Give him value in your family, have him help with things and give him a set allowance for them.
We have a set of 15 yr old twins, boy and girl grandchildren who moved in when they turned ten. And last year, their half sister, who is nine. All had serious behavioral, academic, social issues. They've come a long way, but of course, we still have issues sometimes. Mostly with the 15 yr old grandson. He is in trouble the past few days - he had a few simple chores that he does every day and did a terrible job at them, on purpose. Says on accident. I took his phone away, and he bought his phone and pays for the monthly out of chore money. What did he do? Left the garbage can lid off overnight that contains the dog food. We get rats. Unloaded the feed bags for chickens into the bins upside down so I have to flip 50 lbs, and broke open and chicken feed bag that goes into a non working fridge and feed spilt everywhere but just shut the door and ignored it, used a bunch of tools to work on his skate board projects and left them everywhere, after I spent a whole day organizing alot of tools. So, until the work ethic changes, no phone.
We have some rules: A's and B's are required, phones turned in at bedtime, all three grandkids take a run in the morning and always have - they were very overweight when they came and little one still is, tv time is limited and no rated R, appropriate dress is required, no cussing. We live on a farm on 23 acres, and they have lots of family around, mostly that are Amish. They love school and have been involved in Band for many years, and most of their friends are band kids. Granddaughter got a job at the local burger place and loves working and saving her own money. Grandson is looking for work, but I encourage him to help the amish neighbor to learn skills. They go to Wednesday night Bible study with their friends at the Mennonite church down the street and love that. They help with our animals...recently with butchering 40 roosters. Important to me to teach them self sufficiency..don't want them to go the route of their parents. I wish you luck! Somedays I've wondered why we are doing this, we've already raised five kids of our own, now three grandkids, but I felt like there was no choice.

 

[Illini Warrior]

15 years old >>> GOOD LUCK - he's had his upbringing & raising - he's a formated disc now and wiping that almost clean and starting over won't be possible ....

best chance is if he can find some local kids his age and get bent back a little more straight - sounds like he's more urban and making the change to your rural area could be the biggest challenge ....

 

[Amish Heart]

Disagree there, and from experience. Don't let other kids raise your grandchild. Kids don't need to be straightening out other kids. Usually the opposite happens, the one with issues influences the others. Kids need adults, or else you end up with a lord of the flies scenario. Or a gang where they join to "belong" to something. You can't make him perfect in 3 yrs, but you can make a huge difference in his life. You don't give up entirely on a 15 yr old, he's still a dumb kid.

 

[lonewolf]

urban kids are usually in a street gang long before their 15, by the time their 15 the gang is their family.
if he steals and does drugs he's probably well on the way to being uncontrollable, watch yourself and dont turn your back.

 

[Amish Heart]

Not all urban kids. We lived in urban New Mexico up till last summer, and now we're really rural in another state. The low lifes were in gangs, but not the run of the mill teens. Most teens were not in gangs, not on drugs. But many were addicted to their phones and didn't know what a chore was.

 

[lonewolf]

yes but it was said this one "lies, steals and does drugs", sounds to me he's well on the way, and the sort of youth I wouldnt dare turn my back on.
we have one similar in our extended family, cousins grandson, he comes and goes and does what he likes and nobody can stop him, if they did they'd probably get stabbed, and he's about the same age, the 13 year old brother is just as bad.

 

[GaRp58]

As each and every person has a different character, you cannot comb them all over the same way. Each child in a single family will react to the same treatment differently. Be extremely patient, the first impact on every child is them seeing that you practice what you preach...getting up on schedule, doing chores, being courteous and friendly, treating others with respect...all children needs good examples. They get enough bad ones online, from TV and in school...if you make the mistake of breaking only one good example or promise-------you will have to be able to walk on water to get them to believe in and on you again....slow, patient and above all true love and the occasional praise for doing something correctly, no matter how small. Gary

 

[Mountain Dragon]

At least it's an try to bring @Ginger 's grandson back to an socialized life. Never knows, it's perhaps the last chance before the way ends up in an prison or in an final mess. Proably an helping grandma would have an better influence than an state educational institution. It's maybe harder to fight to the own grandparents than to stranger who just go home at 5pm when the daily job is done.
Honestly, i don't know if i would have the patience and the power to try it - but i have no grandkids, it may makes a lot difference.
Even i couldn't help with any idea, i wish it will work and this young man will find his way in an successfull life.

 

[lonewolf]

trouble is with his upbringing he's probably a lost cause already.
at 15 he's probably too old to be brought back onto the straight and narrow especially with the drug use, I know of many what we call "problem" families like the one mentioned.

 

[Amish Heart]

My two twin 15 yr old grandkids were brought up in a heroin house and went to foster care 10 times before we got guardianship of them. They saw it all. My nine year old granddaughter had a pot smoking drunk all the time, sometimes homeless mom and she saw it all, too. You wouldn't know it looking at them now. A child isn't a lost cause. It's always worth a try. If you can't change them by the time they're 18, then let them go. If they get too much to handle and break house rules before then, let them go. Our grandkids know where the line is. We won't be told off, threatened, no drugs or smoking ever, dress appropriately, behave in a Christian manner....or we will find a foster family for them. And they're not perfect, but they're doing well, and I'm pleased to say that I'm glad we tried.
Big Paul...my upbringing was no piece of cake, and I turned out ok. The thing is, there are problem families, like their moms. One moved to our state last month, so we allow a supervised visit, but only for a short time. But I don't trust her. A halfsister to the twins died two months ago from a heroin overdose. She was living with the mom. Sad, she was only 20 yrs old. The twins took it hard, but she was not our relation, and we didn't take her in. That mom is in the hospital as we speak, in another state. She has flesh eating bacteria, and looks horendous. She got it from injecting a dirty needle in to her crotch area to get high.

 

[Jayson]

This should be standard equipment for police, teachers and parents to use on unruly kids.

 

[Amish Heart]

I'd worry about the NWO using it on us.
No seriously, restraints aren't used in day to day child care facilities or schools unless teachers are working with special needs. And then they restrain with their own arms. I've seen teachers with many a black eye, and I don't know why they've put up with the job, I wouldn't.

 

[TexasFreedom]

Great advise. One thought, immediate feedback. Starting out, kids get bored or distracted quickly and don't associate delayed positive or negative feedback.

Example, dog training. You reward a dog with a treat immediately when they do something right (sit, heel...). Action-reward are quickly learned.

And the feedback can be varied. A favorite snack. A dollar (to be saved for___, but the cash can have positive response). A big atta-boy. Applause. "Go feed the chickens and I'll put an extra slice of bacon on your breakfast plate". Get creative. And how well they do the job can factor in. Do a good job feeding the chickens (no spills, no mistakes) is 4 M&M's. A modest mistake, 3 M&Ms. Forget something (close gate), 2 M&Ms. Be fair, explain the reason, and encourage them by telling them you know they'll do better next time. You can back off and do delayed rewards as they learn/mature.

And if they want to sneak out, put a keyed deadbolt on the exterior doors, and plant a nasty cactus/holly under their bedroom window!

 

[Wiredog8]

Great advise. One thought, immediate feedback. Starting out, kids get bored or distracted quickly and don't associate delayed positive or negative feedback.

Example, dog training. You reward a dog with a treat immediately when they do something right (sit, heel...). Action-reward are quickly learned.

And the feedback can be varied. A favorite snack. A dollar (to be saved for___, but the cash can have positive response). A big atta-boy. Applause. "Go feed the chickens and I'll put an extra slice of bacon on your breakfast plate". Get creative. And how well they do the job can factor in. Do a good job feeding the chickens (no spills, no mistakes) is 4 M&M's. A modest mistake, 3 M&Ms. Forget something (close gate), 2 M&Ms. Be fair, explain the reason, and encourage them by telling them you know they'll do better next time. You can back off and do delayed rewards as they learn/mature.

And if they want to sneak out, put a keyed deadbolt on the exterior doors, and plant a nasty cactus/holly under their bedroom window!

I planted bougainvilleas in front of each bedroom window the first week they came home from the hospital. Works like acharm when they are teens.

I have been doing this exact same approach for my kids entire lives.
They are respectful but strong women now. They go after what they want and almost always achieve their goals.

Things I've learned that work:
Lead by example
Loving encouragement
Do the chore with their help a few times before it is theirs alone
Explanations of why we do it this way/ what happens if we don't
reward (involve them in the reward structure, ask their opinions on what would be a reasonable reward)
punishments with explanations (again, involve them in the punishment structure)
More than one kid: Rotate chores weekly
Praise when applicable
Express your feelings/ discuss theirs
Ask their opinions on things/ share yours
Make sure to have one on one time with each kid
Never forget they are kids are still learning how to be adults but be firm in reasonable expectations

 

[Acdoctor]

Sounds like he is long overdue a positive role model and some rules in his life, good luck and remember you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink, kids are stubborn but if you can make him see you only want to help maybe he will come around. It’s going to be ruff at first but hang in there.

 

[Ginger]

Thanks everyone...the feedback is very appreciated! I was very close and very involved with him until 2 years ago. His mom moved across country and that limited contact. So I have an advantage there...he has spent enough time with me to know what to expect from me and what I expect from him. He asked to come and that gives me hope!

I am going to give this boy a chance. He deserves it and I am in a position to be his greatest ally or his worst nightmare.

 

[Jayson]

I'd worry about the NWO using it on us.
No seriously, restraints aren't used in day to day child care facilities or schools unless teachers are working with special needs.

In my school district some of the troubled kids are sedated in the morning by the school nurse.

“Come along, Johnny. Time for your medication.”

 

[Amish Heart]

If I were the parent, I wouldn't put up with that. But maybe they've bought into the Hillary/Obama "It takes a village" garbage and they don't care about parenting their own child. Retarded.

 

[Dani]

@GeorgiaPeachie I truly wish you luck, you are going to need it, but I also know the love and compassion you have for your grandson. I know I would be willing to do the same in your situation. I was honestly going to suggest you talk with @Amish Heart, so glad she chimed in. I haven't had to deal with what you are about to take on and am taking notes. . . All of my grandkids are in good loving homes, but you never know what comes down the road. I for one would never want to "give up" on a child, especially a family member.

 

[DrHenley]

Successful parenting nowadays is not easy and there are no guarantees no matter how well you try. We navigated that minefield successfully only by the grace of God. My heart goes out to parents who hit some mines along the way despite their best efforts.

 

[Mountain trapper]

Not likely going to change. Sometimes you just have to write some kids off. He could change IF he wants too. But by 15 many kids, especially trouble kids, love the drama and attention and living in a soap opera world.
Good luck, lock up your valuables and sleep with one eye open.

 

[Jayson]

It’s mostly the kids with ADD/ADHD who had a physician prescribe medicine to keep them calm at school.

 

[Amish Heart]

Well, that's good to know.

 

[TexasFreedom]

It’s mostly the kids with ADD/ADHD who had a physician prescribe medicine to keep them calm at school.

Right. And 90% of foster kids are all magically diagnosed with ADHD and drugged. Funny, foster parents make more money when the kid is on a prescription.... what a surprise.

(edit) the drugs for ADHD turn the kids into compliant zombies. For years. Well, until one day when they explode. Many of these kids to do mass school shootings were on ADHD drugs for years. I remember seeing about 80% of them. Sad.

 

[David SB]

Well, I thank God every day for my kids. They were mischievous, not rebellious... lazy and drifted like many teens do. BUT now?? I couldn't ask for more mature and successful adults... in all facets, socially, financially and with their own family units.

My DIL's parents however took in their grandson at 15... a father who was absent and a mother on drugs...He lied, stole, snuck out, shoplifted, etc... It was a valiant effort on their part, but the boy was lost. Too many years around that loser culture was ingrained in him. I was glad when he turned 17 and left their house to go back to the druggie mother. I didn't want him having access to his Aunt's (my DIL) house, especially now that my little grandson arrived

I wish you all the luck, but it will indeed be a fight at that age.

 

[GeorgiaPeachie]

Disagree there, and from experience. Don't let other kids raise your grandchild. Kids don't need to be straightening out other kids. Usually the opposite happens, the one with issues influences the others. Kids need adults, or else you end up with a lord of the flies scenario. Or a gang where they join to "belong" to something. You can't make him perfect in 3 yrs, but you can make a huge difference in his life. You don't give up entirely on a 15 yr old, he's still a dumb kid.

What an amazing life you have lived Amish and still are! Must chime in and disagree along with you on the 15 yr old. My Mom and Dad ended up raising one of their grandson’s when he was 15...nearly 16. They did much the way your described above. The key is to make them feel secure (for the first time in their short life) and to make them feel “good” about themselves and know they are truly loved. It will take some hard lessons and won’t come quickly, but it is very possible!

In addition to that, I have a niece who is a physician. A few years ago her and her husband adopted a 16 yr old boy. Yep, the kid had had many problems. At age nearly 19 now he is a great young man.

 

[GeorgiaPeachie]

@GeorgiaPeachie I truly wish you luck, you are going to need it, but I also know the love and compassion you have for your grandson. I know I would be willing to do the same in your situation. I was honestly going to suggest you talk with @Amish Heart, so glad she chimed in. I haven't had to deal with what you are about to take on and am taking notes. . . All of my grandkids are in good loving homes, but you never know what comes down the road. I for one would never want to "give up" on a child, especially a family member.

Hi Dani! I think you meant “Ginger”. Thankfully, my grandchildren are all doing well And in loving homes with parents who understand children need lots of rules and chores. Most are homeschooled and the ones not are in private school.

I will keep Ginger and her family in my prayers.

 

[lonewolf]

News today, Reading, Berkshire, UK.
5 Children-4 boys and 1 girl- all aged 13 and 14- have just been arrested for the stabbing murder of another boy also aged 13.
here we call these "Feral's" and they are totally out of control by this age and seem to have no fear or regret for what they have done.
this is by no means an isolated incident, knife crime in the more populated areas of the UK is more common than shooting incidents.
45,600 incidents of knife crime were reported in 2019, up 7% from the year before.