That was my poor attempt at parody for those of you who have seen Dirty Jobs with Mike Row.
I have been writing up some of the work I have done for the law firm(s) since the beginning minus the names and with slightly skewed details to ensure I meet the obligations of my nondisclosure agreement. So for that purpose, everything I post in this thread is to be considered fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. Unless, of course, I am assigned to investigate the Clinton's and they kill me, in which case you can presume that actually happened. And also, I am going to call these events day one, day two, etc. but don't presume these days were consecutive because there is a 99.9% chance they were not. If this topic bores everyone to death I will just stop posting and we can let it sink into forum oblivion.
Day one:
Bear with me for a moment as this does not have much to do with my love life. Or maybe in some weird way it does. No probably not. Either way it seems my attorney was having lunch with a ‘friend’ who works for the good people of Lie, Cheat & Steal LLP. I don’t know all the details, or how my name came up, but after their conversation I presume my background was checked, finances analyzed, and history reviewed. My attorney called and wanted to meet, I agreed and a few days back we spoke face to face. He extended me a semi-vague offer to receive financial compensation in exchange for certain services. That is lawyer speak for free agent dirty work. No new employee orientation, no HR meetings, no small office in the basement with a red Swingline stapler. I will get a call when there is work to be done and I will either take the job or they call someone else. It pays $800 a day and they cover the taxes. There are also a few benefits; liability insurance, legal protection, paid expenses, bail money, political influence, etc. No dental, but that might not be an issue. He also made some mention about a vehicle and some equipment being provided.
The position description was decidedly vague for a law firm, especially since it was provided verbally and no paperwork was every presented, signed, notarized or anything else. Essentially it included covert static and mobile protection, surveillance and counter surveillance duties, escort and transportation of clients, advance work and intelligence gathering, threat assessment and threat mitigation, liaise with local authorities and other duties. I am confident that ‘other duties’ are where the rubber really meets the road. Especially since it turns out the big firm already has in-house investigators, cyber security techs and contract armed security. Makes one wonder what's left to do after all that.
I do not need a license to investigate things since the state repealed that requirement, but it turns out to comply with the law I will need an armed security license. The qualifications include 80 hours of training, firearms qualification, background check, psych evaluation and more. And yet the lawyer made it sound like he will take care of that without me spending a minute in a classroom or a second on the range. I am confident that my resume far exceeds any requirements they have anyway. Where I will have to receive training is on the legal side of things. I will however be on the receiving end of a tutorial on the law, gray areas, work arounds and where stepping over the line could have consequences if I am caught. He also said never to divulge a thing, for any reason, to anyone. If they have a badge or even if they don’t, hand them the lawyer’s cards and keep my mouth permanently shut. The exact advice I would expect from an attorney.
To be honest I bet all of that sounds very covert with a strong espionage vibe, but in reality I bet’s it really boring and tedious work. Like watching a witness so they don’t run off or trying to find out if Mrs. Richass is sleeping with her tennis pro or pool boy or both. Outside of date night or nights, I don’t have that much going on so I decided to see if the money was worth the tedium.
I have been writing up some of the work I have done for the law firm(s) since the beginning minus the names and with slightly skewed details to ensure I meet the obligations of my nondisclosure agreement. So for that purpose, everything I post in this thread is to be considered fictional and does not depict any actual person or event. Unless, of course, I am assigned to investigate the Clinton's and they kill me, in which case you can presume that actually happened. And also, I am going to call these events day one, day two, etc. but don't presume these days were consecutive because there is a 99.9% chance they were not. If this topic bores everyone to death I will just stop posting and we can let it sink into forum oblivion.
Day one:
Bear with me for a moment as this does not have much to do with my love life. Or maybe in some weird way it does. No probably not. Either way it seems my attorney was having lunch with a ‘friend’ who works for the good people of Lie, Cheat & Steal LLP. I don’t know all the details, or how my name came up, but after their conversation I presume my background was checked, finances analyzed, and history reviewed. My attorney called and wanted to meet, I agreed and a few days back we spoke face to face. He extended me a semi-vague offer to receive financial compensation in exchange for certain services. That is lawyer speak for free agent dirty work. No new employee orientation, no HR meetings, no small office in the basement with a red Swingline stapler. I will get a call when there is work to be done and I will either take the job or they call someone else. It pays $800 a day and they cover the taxes. There are also a few benefits; liability insurance, legal protection, paid expenses, bail money, political influence, etc. No dental, but that might not be an issue. He also made some mention about a vehicle and some equipment being provided.
The position description was decidedly vague for a law firm, especially since it was provided verbally and no paperwork was every presented, signed, notarized or anything else. Essentially it included covert static and mobile protection, surveillance and counter surveillance duties, escort and transportation of clients, advance work and intelligence gathering, threat assessment and threat mitigation, liaise with local authorities and other duties. I am confident that ‘other duties’ are where the rubber really meets the road. Especially since it turns out the big firm already has in-house investigators, cyber security techs and contract armed security. Makes one wonder what's left to do after all that.
I do not need a license to investigate things since the state repealed that requirement, but it turns out to comply with the law I will need an armed security license. The qualifications include 80 hours of training, firearms qualification, background check, psych evaluation and more. And yet the lawyer made it sound like he will take care of that without me spending a minute in a classroom or a second on the range. I am confident that my resume far exceeds any requirements they have anyway. Where I will have to receive training is on the legal side of things. I will however be on the receiving end of a tutorial on the law, gray areas, work arounds and where stepping over the line could have consequences if I am caught. He also said never to divulge a thing, for any reason, to anyone. If they have a badge or even if they don’t, hand them the lawyer’s cards and keep my mouth permanently shut. The exact advice I would expect from an attorney.
To be honest I bet all of that sounds very covert with a strong espionage vibe, but in reality I bet’s it really boring and tedious work. Like watching a witness so they don’t run off or trying to find out if Mrs. Richass is sleeping with her tennis pro or pool boy or both. Outside of date night or nights, I don’t have that much going on so I decided to see if the money was worth the tedium.
Last edited: