Don't waste time and energy fitting in, when you could truly belong.

[Mr.Meer]

October 17, 2013

I confess that I haven't read Brene Brown's books yet, though I have seen the TED videos. Her books get bought most frequently together with mine on Amazon, so I really should learn more about her work. What I know of it, I have enjoyed reading.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/.../201310/stop-trying-fit-in-aim-belong-instead.

I recently read an article she wrote for Oprah.com , and was struck by her description of the concept of fitting in versus truly belonging. In Brene's words, fitting in is NOT belonging:


"In fact, fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I've discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely—it's showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are—love of gourd painting, intense fear of public speaking and all.


Many us suffer from this split between who we are and who we present to the world in order to be accepted, (Take it from me: I'm an expert fitter-inner!) But we're not letting ourselves be known, and this kind of incongruent living is soul-sucking."
She says so well what I know to be true. During various seasons of my life I have not fit in. I was too smart, too awkward, and too much of a "goody two shoes" in high school, plus I didn't have the right clothes. As you can probably guess, I felt different from the other docs-to-be in med school. I still feel a bit awkward when I'm around other medical doctors, it's hard to explain why.


My whole life I've known, usually painfully so, that I'm not very "normal" (even if I might appear to be, at first glance).

Are you aware that you spend a significant amount of energy trying to fit in? Have you noticed when you do it? Are you ready to give it up?

I've been in one social situation in the couple of days since reading Brene's article. I was meeting a new group of people, and something someone said triggered a response from me based on something I learned at a Harvard course last month. I mentioned Harvard in my comment, and noticed the person's face tighten a bit. At least I thought so, I'm pretty good at reading people and excessively aware of facial expressions and body language.
I cringed inside, and felt that familiar shame. Darn, I probably looked like I was bragging or name-dropping, when really I was just so excited about the information. To me, where I learned the information I referred to makes it more credible.

This brought up all my usual "shut up and try to act more normal" feelings, but because of Brene (and admittedly with some effort) I dismissed them. So what. I'm an info nerd and going to Harvard to learn stuff about mind-body medicine is more exciting to me than going to Disneyland.

 

[Meerkat]

I'll have to read more before I comment.Sounds interesting like many rhings people say today.

 

[Mr.Meer]

Everybody tries to fit in because they desperately want to feel at home wherever they are. But fitting in will never get you home. Fitting in is about trying to adapt to a world that's not your own.

“Perhaps home is not a place, but simply an irrevocable condition.” ~James Baldwin

It’s normal, isn’t it?

Wanting to be accepted. Longing to feel at home. Hoping for that reassuring up-nod from the universe that says, “You’re one of us. And you get to stay.”

So you try to fit in wherever it feels right. You get the job everyone approves of. You marry the person you’re supposed to. You say yes most of the time. And you’re as good as you’re supposed to be.

You’ve jumped through every hoop and worn all the right masks, but it seems that all your efforts still aren’t good enough. You’re sick of trying to fit in. You just want to feel like you belong the way you truly are.

I know what it’s like to ache for belonging.

The need for acceptance is a basic human instinct – although some value it more than others. We all want to fit in, to belong. In order to achieve that, we often present slightly different versions of who we are, depending on the environment and whose company we are in.

 

[Neb]

Everybody tries to fit in because they desperately want to feel at home wherever they are. But fitting in will never get you home. Fitting in is about trying to adapt to a world that's not your own.

“Perhaps home is not a place, but simply an irrevocable condition.” ~James Baldwin

It’s normal, isn’t it?

Wanting to be accepted. Longing to feel at home. Hoping for that reassuring up-nod from the universe that says, “You’re one of us. And you get to stay.”

So you try to fit in wherever it feels right. You get the job everyone approves of. You marry the person you’re supposed to. You say yes most of the time. And you’re as good as you’re supposed to be.

You’ve jumped through every hoop and worn all the right masks, but it seems that all your efforts still aren’t good enough. You’re sick of trying to fit in. You just want to feel like you belong the way you truly are.

I know what it’s like to ache for belonging.

The need for acceptance is a basic human instinct – although some value it more than others. We all want to fit in, to belong. In order to achieve that, we often present slightly different versions of who we are, depending on the environment and whose company we are in.

Hmmm....

In social settings I don't find myself trying to fit in but rather how do I get out.



Ben

 

[Meerkat]

So far what I understaand about this is not much,but guess its worth a look. Its been a long day so too much for me tonight,lol.

 

[Mr.Meer]

Hmmm....

In social settings I don't find myself trying to fit in but rather how do I get out.



Ben

Yeah, me too in social settings, but seen this and thought there're a lot of people who do this. Thought it maybe of interesting discussion .

 

[Haertig]

Everybody tries to fit in because they desperately want to feel at home wherever they are.

Not always. If I am with people that I like and who think along the sames lines as I do, I don't have to try to fit in. It comes naturally. If I am with people who I do not like and who think significantly different than me, the last thing I want to do is fit in. Leaving is what comes naturally in that situation. If I am with people I like but who think differently than I do, we have some good times and good discussions. But if they try to force me to fit in with their beliefs, then that leaving thing comes back into play.

[edit]Oh, and I forgot the other possible scenario - If I am with people I don't like who think like I do, leaving is the answer there as well. Although this particular scenario is pretty rare.[/edit]

 

[LadyLocust]

I've read her book though it's been a long time. Brene rhymes w/ Renae. She's really about being positive and being kind to yourself as well as others so kinda a feel good promoter. If I remember correctly, she also has a blog. It's good, but for me a little "Polyanna-ish". (I do believe in the power of positive thinking.) But her book was a single read for me & I didn't subscribe to her blog. Obviously different for others. Also, I think she's very popular with younger gals in particular - maybe that's a good thing.

 

[elkhound]

dont know a thing about any of this..but..i always walked my own path from the very start of my life...i was original i guess...plus i was first settler on Barsoom after 10 million years...roflmao !...the deer hunting is fantastic here !