Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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Long, but funny:
One last try
In Australia...we have hopitals for kangaroos.......
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Mac & cheese (that's a MAC-10).
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WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words.
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words.
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow.
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (aboutErnest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -?
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain.
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde.
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop.
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright.
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb.
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson.
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating.
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand.
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker.
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." - Mae West.
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde.
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - AndrewLang (1844-1912).
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder.
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." – Groucho
--
He, heee! I got one of them things.
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This could happen to any of us.
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
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All that and not a single quote from Samuel L Jackson?
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Jazzy, that's good! Thanks!
Technology shapes, everything, it would seem. Hey...if Jesus had a telephone, Leonardo would have painted, 'The Last Pizza'!
You probably recognize that retard...yeah its a Liberal Mr Halloween
The one all Canadians wants to rid off
The one all Canadians wants to rid off
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Meanwhile, not at the track...
A younger lady I clean for left her coffee cup out when I was there last week!! Couldn't resist taking a pic!!
I was torn between threads. but here will do, probably"
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Today, Saturday I just bought a couple grand worth of Silver- Latest: Mountain trapper
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