Supreme Court Allows Victims Of Heart Disease, Obesity To Sue Utensil Manufacturer
November 15th, 2019
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Acme Forks & Knives was trying to block a lawsuit brought against them by the obese community. The lawsuit suggested that the company's utensils were deadly tools that caused people to become overweight.
The Supreme Court has blocked the company's attempt to block the lawsuit, paving the way for victims of heart disease and other diet-related ailments to sue Acme.
"Finally---the big forks and knives lobby will be held accountable for contributing to heart disease and obesity, the leading causes of death among American adults," said a spokesperson for the oppressed obese community. "No human action leads to these deaths. It is entirely on the sentient utensils used to carry out the mass eating events."
"Blood is on their hands!" protesters cried. "Fight the corporate fork and knife lobby!"
Lawyers for the plaintiffs in these lawsuits have presented evidence that Acme Forks & Knives have marketed their utensils to the obese, specifically encouraging them to shovel a bunch of food in their mouths. They also said it was dangerous and irresponsible for the company to market a "fully automatic assault spork" that can shove "300 rounds of chili" into your face in under 10 seconds.
"Nobody needs that kind of forkpower," said one lawyer. "We will get justice for the obvious cause of this epidemic of deaths: the guys who make the utensils."
