Jokes and Humor

[angie_nrs]

 

[phideaux]

Often...

Jim

 

[dademoss]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[dademoss]

 

[phideaux]

I suppose the one to the right means your car is ready to fly.

Jim

 

[phideaux]

And I don't have kids in my house...

Jim

 

[Meerkat]

View attachment 49050
And I don't have kids in my house...

Jim

Probably hiding with the mia socks.

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Caribou]

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”
*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them”
*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. “In ten years,” I said, “you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.
Carolyn shrugged. “In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.”
******
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.
“No, no, no!” she screamed.
“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior.”
With that, the girl yelled even louder, “No, thank you! No, thank you!"
******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, “Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?”
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, “You don't have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.”
*****
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. “I’m going to be away for a long time,” I told him. “I’m going to Iraq ”
“Why?” he asked. “Don't you know there’s a war going on over there?”
*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”
Blank stares.
“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”
An eight-year-old girl perked up. “How long was he missing?”
*****
And my personal favorite…
God’s Problem Now!
His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."
** * **
Keep a SMILE on your face ~ And a SONG in your heart!
A smile - is a sign of joy.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me? - Well that's just a sign of good taste!
We'll be friends until I'm senile.
Then we'll be NEW friends!

 

[Mr.Meer]

 

[dademoss]

 

[dademoss]

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Cnsper]

View attachment 49088
Jim

Chattanooga

 

[zoomzoom]

Well, this will probably offend half the members here but posting it anyway.

 

[Mr.Meer]

When the Meerkat says , you not doing that. "Me"

 

[GrannyG]

 

[zoomzoom]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

 

[Mr.Meer]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Caribou]

View attachment 49103

Just a wild guess, but if it is one of us, I think I know which one.

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]