Jokes and Humor

[dademoss]

 

[Morgan101]

 

[jazzy]

 

[Patchouli]

View attachment 172990

Let’s get started on this soon!!!

 

[Magus]

N.S.F.W Minor potty talk, a couple of F-bombs, and a GD, but funny if you remember!

 

[Cascadian]

Cell, phone.

Commas mater.

Ben

So does spelling.

 

[dademoss]

 

[dademoss]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[bkt]

View attachment 173024

Fact check true.

 

[Magus]

But cheetahs are cats, so wouldn't their victory poo be a lot faster? Inquiring minds wanna know!

 

[dademoss]

RULES FOR CITY SLICKERS TO ENTER THE COUNTRY
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & feed lots. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-64 goes east and west, I-57 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $200,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a deer is coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time
7. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

 

[Magus]

RULES FOR CITY SLICKERS TO ENTER THE COUNTRY
1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a “gravel road.” I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
3. They are cattle & feed lots. That’s what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-64 goes east and west, I-57 goes north and south. Pick one.
4. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $200,000 combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
5. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
6. If that cell phone rings while a deer is coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time
7. You bring “coke” into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring “Mary Jane” into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

Don't forget to teach them how to milk a bull. they probably need a new friend!

 

[UserNameTaken]

So, they are having a free mass wedding ceremony to celebrate Valentines Day this year. I was thinking of signing us up. What a great surprise it will be for my girlfriend. Almost as great as when she surprised me with twins!

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

looks like maybe some dad got an idea

 

[jazzy]

 

[Caribou]

So, they are having a free mass wedding ceremony to celebrate Valentines Day this year. I was thinking of signing us up. What a great surprise it will be for my girlfriend. Almost as great as when she surprised me with twins!

I was working on the boiler at a local church. The pastor, about this time of the year, told me that the church was having a Valentine's day dinner and suggested that I bring my wife. I said that I was sorry but she was traveling for work and would not be in town. Me, being who I am, asked, “Is it all right if I bring my girlfriend?” He started to chuckle and just as quickly he became very sober, “No, no!” It was my turn to chuckle. If I’d had a girlfriend the only person I’d be less likely to tell than him, would be my wife.

 

[jazzy]

 

[bkt]

View attachment 173057

Yesterday, I was talking to a co-worker and said "so-and-so has the personality of a dial tone" and my co-worker had no idea what a dial tone was. I felt really old.

 

[CrocDundee]

Nobody got it...

MEDICAL SPECIMEN

An Italian doctor and astronaut.

 

[Lenny]

Teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
The father offered his son the following deal.
You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your haircut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”
The boy said," You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had longhair.”
Got to love the Dad’s reply:
“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?”

 

[UserNameTaken]

I was working on the boiler at a local church. The pastor, about this time of the year, told me that the church was having a Valentine's day dinner and suggested that I bring my wife. I said that I was sorry but she was traveling for work and would not be in town. Me, being who I am, asked, “Is it all right if I bring my girlfriend?” He started to chuckle and just as quickly he became very sober, “No, no!” It was my turn to chuckle. If I’d had a girlfriend the only person I’d be less likely to tell than him, would be my wife.

Yeah, I wasn't going to tell my wife either...

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[UserNameTaken]

So, this may shock some of you, but I have made the difficult decision to "de-transition." I hope we can still be friends. As some of you know I transitioned about 15 years ago for my peace of mind, but I just can't keep living a dark lie. I've done a lot of thinking and self examination and I've made my decision.
.
.
.
.
.

Therefore, effective today, I am putting away my Glock for good, and I'm going to transition back to carrying my 1911.

 

[Peanut]