Need Advice

[Patchouli]

@Meerkat
What you can do is let go. He's not in jail yet. Keep praying and having a positive outlook that he's going to make the right choice, but especially for your daughter that she'll make the right choice. I'd like to kick his dad in butt and tell him to man up and get that young man under his wing for a long time. I always hate to say it's too late but kids need REAL FATHERS.

 

[Meerkat]

It sounds to me like you have given good advice to your daughter. And probably given all the advice that you should, for now. Realize that your daughter will almost certainly choose sides with her son over her mother if a family fight breaks out. That is pretty much a given, so watch out for it. No good for your grandson, your daughter, or you will ever come from that.

It is sad to see things like this happen. Much of the time, not always, but much of the time things will work out in the end. And you will be proudly displaying your grandson in pictures here on the forum. Good kids are often trapped behind undesirable presentations during their teens and early 20's. Be warned though, there probably won't be a quick turn-around. The kids just have to make it through those damn teenager years. There is now much you, as a grandparent, can do to effect that. That doesn't mean stop trying, but understand that your odds of success are low. Be supportive but not enabling, wait it out, and hope the next ten years passes quickly. If this is his position now, at 15 years old, my prediction is 10 years for maturity to hit - not ultimate maturity yet, but tolerable maturity. Ultimate maturity sounds like it will strike around 29 years old based on your comments thus far.

[edit]p.s. - I see your have written that your daughter is not answering her phone now, you posted that as I was typing my reply above. Note my comment about "choosing sides" in the above paragraph. You may be seeing the first signs of that with the phone non-answer. Remember, your goal is not to win, it's to survive the next few years with your family intact.[/edit]

I agree and its hard but I'm trying not to get too involved now that I know it is not my choice of course. He said he wants to come here and help us do some things ,od course he has been asking to come down here for last year to visit and help us.But its 700 mile round trip so she didn't bring him plus we are isolated.
Thanks Haetig

 

[Meerkat]

Sorry, just now getting in on the rap.
His butt would stay there at the academy. No contact for a month.
I agree, they tear them down because the point the kid is at is what got his sorry butt there in the first place. Rebuild.
I knew a woman who sent her son to one. He wasn't a bad kid. Those who were supposed to be raising him were the screwups (his grandparents). So it got him away from them.
Can't she take him back to the academy? Let go! She needs to let go and allow them to do what they're supposed to do.
No more phones.

Patch I feel the same way because of how long he has had to change. he has only got worse. he was there only 4 days and called first night on phone he snunk in.
I love the kid and I love and miss the one in prison have panic attack almost over that one. Sometimes I feel like I'm in there with her when I hink of how long she will be there. I had the first 5 every summer of their life and most holidays. Almost like my own. Their parent worked and glad for them to be here knowing how I am about kids.

 

[Meerkat]

@Meerkat
What you can do is let go. He's not in jail yet. Keep praying and having a positive outlook that he's going to make the right choice, but especially for your daughter that she'll make the right choice. I'd like to kick his dad in butt and tell him to man up and get that young man under his wing for a long time. I always hate to say it's too late but kids need REAL FATHERS.

He is so driven and daughter tells him all the time to sspend more time but he just says later whn he has time, well times running out. Good man in most ways jusst no time for son. His most important job. IMO

 

[Patchouli]

Meerkat, It's important to set boundaries for your self preservation, your own sanity. He is not your problem. I have seen grandparents do right by their g.kids but I'm not so sure that putting him out there with y'all is the best idea.
He probably hasn't been provided with enough opportunity to show consistent responsibility, early on, to be given opportunity to serve other people. To feel needed, to make a difference. He's silently screaming for attention in all the wrong ways.

 

[Frodo]

Meerkat.
He is telling her that stuff because he does not want to go back

I can just about bet that this is caused by BOTH parents working and the lad has been left to fend for himself with out any DIRECT supervision

IGNORE his whining about the camp and tell him if the others are bullies then it is time to learn to fight or hide under his bed. but he is going back

 

[Meerkat]

Meerkat, It's important to set boundaries for your self preservation, your own sanity. He is not your problem. I have seen grandparents do right by their g.kids but I'm not so sure that putting him out there with y'all is the best idea.
He probably hasn't been provided with enough opportunity to show consistent responsibility, early on, to be given opportunity to serve other people. To feel needed, to make a difference. He's silently screaming for attention in all the wrong ways.

He was just wanting to visit. And he does have good in him just being ruined by too much power for a child. He needed that school and it was his only chance to change imo. He needs a guide to push him towards adulthood. I think that acadamy would have helped him.
I'm too old now to take on that kind of job .Plus this isolation now and nowhere to take him for fun. We use to tke the others roller skating, to beach ,fishing plus they had chores here to do first. All learned to be hard workers and manners. Sometimes only thing they understood was a switch but that was not often becausse they knew I would do it so they didn't push me. All love their Papa because he tauht them things too. They would call and say" hey Nana love you is Papa there,lol.We had them roller skating at 3 yr old.

 

[Caribou]

Kat, my advice, drop it. Be there if your daughter or grandkid asks for help, or just for an ear to listen. She doesn't want you running her life. She certainly doesn't want you telling her how she messed up. She's an adult, let her make her own mistakes, and pay the consequences. That is the only way any of us learn.

 

[Meerkat]

Meerkat.
He is telling her that stuff because he does not want to go back

I can just about bet that this is caused by BOTH parents working and the lad has been left to fend for himself with out any DIRECT supervision

IGNORE his whining about the camp and tell him if the others are bullies then it is time to learn to fight or hide under his bed. but he is going back

THanks Frodo its goodto have yall here to help me cope and make sure I gave her right advice. I just hope they will take him back once she realizes she made a mistake.
She has had her 4 grandkids on her for past 8 years off and on too,plus this wedding thing this past year that pandemic kept interfering with.
Finally got that going along well now and kids are back with their mother for good.

 

[Meerkat]

Kat, my advice, drop it. Be there if your daughter or grandkid asks for help, or just for an ear to listen. She doesn't want you running her life. She certainly doesn't want you telling her how she messed up. She's an adult, let her make her own mistakes, and pay the consequences. That is the only way any of us learn.

I've calmed down now and thank goodness I didn't get too involved on phone,just tolf the kid to watch his mouth,he has never smarted off to me or his Papa. And your right its not my job to ge into it. I have learned the hard way to keep my opinins to myself over last few years .
But I was shocked and told her to turn around and go back home or prepare to visit him in prison which was more than I should have said .So will bite my tonque next time.

 

[Weedygarden]

When he gets in trouble, arrested, she should now leave his behind locked up. It won't happen. She will want to rescue him. I predict a really sad future for the family seeing the consequences of the choices he made. Sad that his mother returned and picked him up.

 

[Haertig]

Back when I was in the business world, working, I learned that you never want to tell someone that they are not thinking clearly, making a bad decision, their idea won't work, etc. You want to word things nicely so that they realize, on their own, that that's what they are doing. It seems paradoxical, but sometimes agreeing with them is what makes them realize that their position is unsustainable. It is a delicate art both to learn and to execute, but once mastered, things can work so well for you. It seems counter intuitive, but sometimes intentionally losing (while being subtle) a discussion/argument is the strategic way to win it in the end.

Not trying to take this thread political, but that's exactly what Trump does. Many people dismiss him as a buffoon, an idiot. But he is so much not that. He is a master at doing what I describe above. Getting people to do exactly what you want, while making them feel like winners and appearing the loser yourself, is a very advanced skill. And the people who gave you your way usually never have a clue that they were just pawns in a game played at a level they are not capable of comprehending. Trump revels in the knowledge that he is thought a buffoon, and I laugh my ass of every time he pulls it off, over, and over, and over... If you understand what to watch for, he is literally the most fun and entertaining president, ever.

 

[Meerkat]

Back when I was in the business world, working, I learned that you never want to tell someone that they are not thinking clearly, making a bad decision, their idea won't work, etc. You want to word things nicely so that they realize, on their own, that that's what they are doing. It seems paradoxical, but sometimes agreeing with them is what makes them realize that their position is unsustainable. It is a delicate art both to learn and to execute, but once mastered, things can work so well for you. It seems counter intuitive, but sometimes intentionally losing (while being subtle) a discussion/argument is the strategic way to win it in the end.

Not trying to take this thread political, but that's exactly what Trump does. Many people dismiss him as a buffoon, an idiot. But he is so much not that. He is a master at doing what I describe above. Getting people to do exactly what you want, while making them feel like winners and appearing the loser yourself, is a very advanced skill. And the people who gave you your way usually never have a clue that they were just pawns in a game played at a level they are not capable of comprehending. Trump revels in the knowledge that he is thought a buffoon, and I laugh my ass of every time he pulls it off, over, and over, and over... If you understand what to watch for, he is literally the most fun and entertaining president, ever.

Sounds like good advice and way to go about things ,especiallythings you have no control over. .

 

[Amish Heart]

I think he should go back. But it seems like mom didn't take any of this seriously, if she knew of their no phone rule, and yet she allowed him one in secret. So, she rescued him again, and is allowing his bad behavior to continue. This must be hard on you, Meer, but I would tell her that you don't want to hear any complaining about him, or about his bad behavior again. She's allowing it, and it's all on her. You're going to have to let this one go and just pray he grows up someday.

 

[Meerkat]

I think he should go back. But it seems like mom didn't take any of this seriously, if she knew of their no phone rule, and yet she allowed him one in secret. So, she rescued him again, and is allowing his bad behavior to continue. This must be hard on you, Meer, but I would tell her that you don't want to hear any complaining about him, or about his bad behavior again. She's allowing it, and it's all on her. You're going to have to let this one go and just pray he grows up someday.

Amish she didn't know about thephone until he texed her and told her, but then once she knew she should have reported it. Because he was acting like he was going to go and stop acting bad. But all along he was deceiving everyone and then she became part of it.
Both his siters the new bride and the one who lost her kids for awhile doing drugs ask her " what are you doing ".He is just doing the same thing again getting his way.Her daughters are upset she took him out too.

 

[Amish Heart]

Then the daughters can be your support. Mom did what she did. I wouldn't let her complain about it to you. Tell her you don't want to hear it.

 

[Frodo]

I can only say this
I was the wild child when growing up. I was where that boy IS right now
I refused to listen to anyone and did what i damn well pleased
I was headed straight to prison in a mustang cruising the fast lane.
BUT. I did something that surprised everyone. And i only did it because I wanted to get OUT of that town
I joined the service. Best damn decision I ever made.
they took a smart mouth boy and turned him into a squared away man
My next mistake was not re-upping I should have stayed for 30

 

[Meerkat]

I can only say this
I was the wild child when growing up. I was where that boy IS right now
I refused to listen to anyone and did what i damn well pleased
I was headed straight to prison in a mustang cruising the fast lane.
BUT. I did something that surprised everyone. And i only did it because I wanted to get OUT of that town
I joined the service. Best damn decision I ever made.
they took a smart mouth boy and turned him into a squared away man
My next mistake was not re-upping I should have stayed for 30

He has 2 more long years before military will take him.He just turned `15.
ButI think I got the advic I wanted or needed,. To stay out of it and let the parents take care of it or not.
He did have an injured knee he blamed on one of the boys tripping him on the bleechers ,went to othoperdic and said just swollen and bruised.Should be ok, by next visit. Don't know what happened really.

 

[backlash]

Sounds like he tried that attitude on someone that didn't care for it.
He probably discovered the others in that military school were not impressed by his mouth. The same thing happens in the real military. Run your mouth or get an attitude that gets others in trouble and you will be dealt with. We had a guy in Bootcamp that didn't like to shower. A shower party with laundry soap and stiff brushes adjusted his attitude and the company didn't do extra PT ever again because he didn't shower.

 

[SheepDog]

Meerkat,
I found a decent history on Sumer. It may help you understand that Sitchin lied about the whole alien intervention to have them mine gold... this shows that there was no gold in Sumer. Limestone mountains don't carry gold.
History of Sumer:

It's 2 and a half hours long but worth it if you want to know the history.