Relationships and Marriage

[ABR]

As things have been progressing steadily with a new relationship after the death of my previous SO, I've been doing a lot of thinking. My previous relationship was drastically different than this one. While I know without a doubt that he loved me, he was very cutoff from his emotions and trust after a bad marriage in his younger years. With this new one, he is far more emotionally available and definitely wanting of the same things as me regarding marriage and family.

That said, I come a family of bad and failed marriages and relationships so I don't have any good examples to draw from. When I get married, I want it to be til death do us part, full of love and happiness. My question is for y'all who have/had strong long-lasting relationships/marriages, what do y'all think are the most critical aspects or traits that help y'all go the distance?

 

[Pearl]

I'm so happy for you!! After 32 years with the same guy I truly believe the main glue in our relationship is that we are FRIENDS!! Through all the thick and thin, good and not so good we are buddies! We are both pretty reclusive and spend A LOT of time together! And when my mom was living, he and mom had a great relationship! Definitely wanting the same things regarding marriage and family are VERY important!!

 

[Amish Heart]

I had a bad example of marriage growing up, too. Mom was married a number of times. So were my sisters. I just knew I didn't want to do that.
Some rules we follow: no name calling, ever. Because that's what you'll take away from the argument way later. Give each other grace. Don't expect to agree on everything. There are ups and downs, and sometimes the downs take awhile to get over. Stick with it. We've been married almost 41 yrs, together 44 yrs. If you're in it for the long haul, be prepared for one of you to take care of the other.

 

[dademoss]

Advice? From me? My parents and grandparents were married till they died. Lori wasn't that lucky. I AM NOT an easy keeper , but she is up to the task. 33+ years so far, it's till death do us part.

Gotta say, the first years were hard, I was out of the country a lot. A lot of pressure, but also room to decompress.

Keep separate checking accounts, it spoils the surprise if she sees the withdrawal for her presents.( And I get yelled at for spending too much )

Above all else, love each other, never go to bed mad, and LET IT BE.

(BTW, I still don't do the dishes right

 

[Amish Heart]

Travel is hard on a marriage. Our first dz years, I felt like a single parent some times....5 kids, homeschooling, even foreign exchange students. Job came first. Our kids talk about that sometimes, dad coming in for the weekend...clean the house, cook something normal and not pancakes for dinner. We managed. Not going to bed mad is a good thing, for sure.

 

[Bacpacker]

We'll celebrate 40 in September. We were friends long before our first date, still are. Its hard work. But anything worthwhile is. Be truthful, don't degrade, give space when needed, be there when needed.
And like Amish said, be prepared to care for each other. One or both will need it at some point.
Good luck

 

[Tirediron]

Communicate, and don't agree just to agree and then not be happy with the out come.


i would seriously recommend building a set of rule like you would if you are setting up a business, what works well for others might not work for you.

 

[Morgan101]

I would agree with all of the advice given so far. What I would add is that shared values are very important. Agreeing on family issues; do you want children, how many children? Do you share a religion? Do you agree on how you want to educate your children? Do you agree on money issues? Are you willing to relocate, especially if it is necessary?

Think of the things that are most important to you, and find out if your significant other is in agreement.

 

[old tex]

My two bits:
'
1, Marry someone you like.

2. Marry someone you respect.

3. Mary someone that you have common goals with.

And lastly marry someone that you can work as a team with. Marriage is all about working as a team because it's you two against the world.

 

[winds-of-change]

COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION, COMMUNICATION. My Hubby and I talk through everything that may be bothering us about each other. No letting anything fester until there is a last straw. Always respect each other. Be willing to compromise if necessary without sacrificing yourself. No name calling. If there is an argument, it is forgotten almost immediately. My Hubby is a great man and we never want to hurt each others feelings. Forgive.

 

[Tacitus]

1) One thing that I always thought helped us (several decades of successful marriage): I think of the marriage as something apart from ourselves. That is, there is (1) me, (2) my wife, and we both have (3) a marriage.

When my wife and I have an argument, we may be arguing with each other, but we are still 100% committed to the marriage.

If the marriage were merely a relationship between us, then every argument would put that relationship at risk.

But, since we choose to remain committed to something common, something not affected by the argument, we can fight, and work it out, and the marriage was never affected. When we have an argument, the marriage is "over there"...not between us in the middle of the argument.

Don't know if I described that very well. But, it is a mindset. You both dedicate yourself to the marriage (as opposed to merely dedicating yourself to each other).

 

[Ozarks hillbilly]

Only 24 years here, I agree with others that have posted, but for what it’s worth. A woman needs to feel like she’s being heard, a man needs to feel he’s being respected. Being friends, communication and shared values are important, but I think being heard and respected is key.

Bonus, try to always impress each other. Swam across a giant lake when we were dating almost 30 years ago, did it again last month because I like to show off for her.

 

[winds-of-change]

Every night before we fall asleep, I thank my Hubby for all he’s done for us and the homestead that day. I tell him how much I appreciate him. Everyone needs to hear that. Hubby thanks me for good meals, taking care of household things.

 

[Ozarks hillbilly]

Every night before we fall asleep, I thank my Hubby for all he’s done for us and the homestead that day. I tell him how much I appreciate him. Everyone needs to hear that. Hubby thanks me for good meals, taking care of household things.

This what we try to do, respect equals appreciation equals showing love

 

[Haertig]

Apologize, even when you think you shouldn't have to
Discuss your money thoughts in advance of marriage - one likes to spend every penny while the other likes to save every penny will be a tough compromise
Never bring home a surprise cat if your spouse doesn't like cats - it's OK to do this with dogs, just not with cats
Give in on the little stuff - none of it matters, even if in the heat of the moment you think it does, or symbolizes something more worrisome
Defer to the other - if they really want chocolate and you really want vanilla, just eat the damn chocolate and shut up about it

 

[Neb]

...

Bonus, try to always impress each other. Swam across a giant lake when we were dating almost 30 years ago, did it again last month because I like to show off for her.

It works both ways. A question will come up and The Princess will warn bystanders;

Stand back! He is going to do math.

On the flip side at meer mention of Lewis Carol I insist on her reciting "The Jabberwoki".

On a serious note, we make a point to have a "date night" once a week.

Ben

 

[Ozarks hillbilly]

It works both ways. A question will come up and The Princess will warn bystanders;

Stand back! He is going to do math.

On the flip side at meer mention of Lewis Carol I insist on her reciting "The Jabberwoki".

On a serious note, we make a point to have a "date night" once a week.

Ben

Love date nights, especially now that the kids can watch themselves

 

[Tacitus]

1) One thing that I always thought helped us (several decades of successful marriage): I think of the marriage as something apart from ourselves. That is, there is (1) me, (2) my wife, and we both have (3) a marriage.

When my wife and I have an argument, we may be arguing with each other, but we are still 100% committed to the marriage.

If the marriage were merely a relationship between us, then every argument would put that relationship at risk.

But, since we choose to remain committed to something common, something not affected by the argument, we can fight, and work it out, and the marriage was never affected. When we have an argument, the marriage is "over there"...not between us in the middle of the argument.

Don't know if I described that very well. But, it is a mindset. You both dedicate yourself to the marriage (as opposed to merely dedicating yourself to each other).

...and once you have kids, you dedicate yourself to the family as well.

Probably sounds weird, but I think picking a mindset like this actually helps.

 

[Tacitus]

Love date nights, especially now that the kids can watch themselves

The wife and I actually got dressed up for a dinner at a nice restaurant. As we were pulling out of the driveway, a neighbor sees us, and flags us down to tell us something. Rolling down the window, I hear her say, "Oh, how cute! You got dressed up for a date!" We are twice her age, and we got the "Oh, how cute!" like we were children. It was actually funny, and we all laughed.

 

[INresponse]

This advice is for everyone, not just directly related to you. 18 years of cop work lead me to offer the following advice for relationships:
Don't believe anything until you confirm it.
Do they have pictures of family and friends?
Make sure they have regular contact or communication with their family, parents, siblings, maybe even cousins or aunts and uncles. Try to meet the relatives or at least talk with them on the phone, speaker phones are good for group conversations.
Make sure they have a good friend network. Meet the friends, get to know them, listen for them to say good things about your significant other.
Have they been employed for a reasonable or very long period of time with the same company?
Do they actually have a reasonable amount of money or are they always a bit short? This is tough today with most people using debit/credit cards instead of cash but after years of struggling I now regularly have cash in my wallet, but still buy most things with the credit card because Amazon gives me cash back and in my somewhat remote location I buy a bunch of stuff from Amazon, but today I just paid $1400 in cash for the new tires on my truck. Our local/community business network tries to pay in cash when we do business with each other so I counted out the money from the envelope and there is still a fair amount of cash left over.

If a few or most of the above are missing that is a solid sign they may be the problem. That being said, I can lie to you for about 3 months (give or take) before things start to unravel. Good, experienced losers/liars/players can stretch that out much longer. I am not saying you should sit down and ask them to verify everything but keep this in mind before you make any big decisions.

As for me, I tried it once and so did my GF, but we both agree that the modern world is not what we or our parents and grand parents grew up in and I/we wont do it again.

I wish you the best.

 

[Tacitus]

This what we try to do, respect equals appreciation equals showing love

Agreed. Even the slightest instant validation can be powerful. An "Interesting" in response to a story you aren't that interested in...pretty soon, you are actually interested in what your spouse is interested in, if only because they are interested in it, and you respect them.

 

[Patchouli]

Make sure extended family members know the boundaries of what's okay to say about your spouse to your face and if they don't please draw the boundaries for them. This was probably one of the biggest problems we had, everyone was okay with him in my family but his mom, sisters, and sister in law had major problems with me, until ...well, the ones that are still alive still have a problem with me. It is political, it is choices, it is none of their business. Please pass the bean dip.

 

[Dave V]

53 years for us. She knows I'll do anything, go to any length for her. Repeating, if only occasionally, what she says/asks in my own words helps a lot because it shows her, I'm actually listening to her. She needs credit/validation for all the sacrifices she makes for the family (and has made over the years.) I constantly ask her opinion about decisions at work because she understands retail and always makes me make better choices. She has really good empathy and intuits people's feeling, so I really value her input on staffing matters etc. She's also an organizational whiz and planner which applies hugely to the grocery business and to our facility.
She guesses how I'm feeling often and forgives me for arguing for the sake of arguing and other dumb stuff I do. I try to notice and thank her for big and little things she does. We are polar opposites on so many things, (I'm a night owl and she wakes up at 4 AM! She's an introvert and I'm an extrovert!) but we're great friends and I couldn't ask for a better role model for myself and our kids.

 

[Neb]

53 years for us. She knows I'll do anything, go to any length for her. Repeating, if only occasionally, what she says/asks in my own words helps a lot because it shows her, I'm actually listening to her. She needs credit/validation for all the sacrifices she makes for the family (and has made over the years.) I constantly ask her opinion about decisions at work because she understands retail and always makes me make better choices. She has really good empathy and intuits people's feeling, so I really value her input on staffing matters etc. She's also an organizational whiz and planner which applies hugely to the grocery business and to our facility.
She guesses how I'm feeling often and forgives me for arguing for the sake of arguing and other dumb stuff I do. I try to notice and thank her for big and little things she does. We are polar opposites on so many things, (I'm a night owl and she wakes up at 4 AM!) but we're great friends and I couldn't ask for a better role model for myself and our kids.

Don't be greedy. Share her with the community and get her to participate in this forum.

Ben

 

[Patchouli]

@ABR my LH and I were friends first, for three years, really good friends, then best friends, then...and we had small town background, so many people in common.
Don't harbor suspicions, talk about it. Do your best to be forgiving and understanding of everything he is going through. Watch your temper. I think most things have been covered. Really happy for you!!!

 

[ABR]

Thank y'all for all the replies! Little background, met online, he's 12 years older, never married and no kids. I'm his first relationship in a long time. After his last girlfriend declined to move back south with him he focused on his work, buying land and building a house. He's very close with his family but not in a codependent way. He's great with his nieces and nephew, mine as well, and wants kids too.

We met each others families very early on and have been involved with them since then. Side note, he took off work and drove me halfway across the country for a funeral just a few weeks into dating because he didn't think it was safe for me to drive through the night that far alone. That was some trial by fire with my family. Laid all cards on the table about closet skeletons, wants and needs in a relationship etc on the first date.

Personality wise we get on great. He's been extremely caring and understanding that I'm still grieving and supportive of my feelings. Also been a saint dealing with my past trauma and trust issues. We've spent more tome together in 7 months than I did in 6 years with the lost love. My family likes him a lot. He communicates well, although we're still learning each others styles. Even when I'm staying at his house he doesn't expect me to do cleaning laundry or dishes. He's even changed his diet at home to match my religious beliefs on pork and shellfish. He'll eat a few things that I don't but will make sure not to cross-contaminate and brushes his teeth before kissing me lol

Overall I think we have a good foundation and I think that God may have had a hand in us meeting. I'd had several dud dates and such before him. His profile kept coming up on my feed, and we both were about to cancel our accounts, but he decided to extend his when he has a surprise credit on his card and I figured why not take a chance on the guy who kept popping up before I went? I did message him first but he really worked at our conversation once it started. Actually talking about himself while also asking about me. And now the rest is history

Edit to add: We've talking parenting, homeschooling, v@x, etc.

 

[Patchouli]

He sounds like a heck of a catch! Lol
Hope it all works out.

 

[elkhound]

good luck @ABR

not to be a downer...but

get a iron clad prenup for sure. especially as you get older you will have less time to recover from losses from divorces etc.

now i am older i just dont ever see getting married or anything close to it...my physical person is getting better and better each week and i might start spending summers in alaska or west coast or canada again like when i was younger. getting to point of riding distance in vehicle again is amazing...i still have to be careful as theres times it 'hurts' more than other on rides...but anyhow..sorry for thread drift...glad for you and best wishes again.

 

[Pearl]

I know I can't say "take it slow", Hubby and I met and instantly jumped into our relationship. But take it slow!

 

[Jen]

It's important to know where his heart is. I knew fairly quickly that the man I loved was family oriented and would always put me and family first. Make sure your priorities match up.

Don't place blame when mistakes are made. Just shrug it off. Most things just come and they go and there's no sense getting wrapped around the axle about them.

My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years. We are still totally in sync. We raised our four children and they are self-supporting adults. None of them had children until they were at least 30 years old (sigh) and in good financial shape - and married.

Last year I had two health crises. My appendix ruptured in February and before the infection was clear enough that I could withstand surgery, I had a huge blood clot between my lungs growing into both. My appendix was finally removed in July of 2023.

My husband spent every moment in the hospital with me, sleeping on a very uncomfortable chair. He didn't leave my side. I was in the hospital twice for a week each time and 3 days when I had surgery (which couldn't be done by laparoscopy). Tip 3: Keep ya sense of humor. I was REALLY sick. But in the hospital, we always made the nurses laugh. We're funny together.

He's the best and I do my best to deserve him. Oh, and.... I am 12 years older than my husband. Age difference doesn't matter when hearts are in sync. My family loves him and his family loves me. That was a huge plus.

Sorry this is long. This was my second marriage. I failed the first. I didn't know how to do it and neither did my husband.