Sound familiar?

[Spikedriver]

Precisely! A commitment is meant to be serious. The problem in the world today is that we've allowed it to become a "Me, me, me" world.

"It's become all, my way or the highway."

The reason both sides of my family grandparents stayed married was because of morals and ethics, and because they didn't expect to "win" every discussion.

To me, any marriage, or serious relationship, needs at least a 75%/25% "give in" ratio. Both of you. Be willing to give in more than half the time, and it will pay dividends.

But, nobody can give in 100% of the time because they lose their own sense of identity. You can't give in until you aren't you anymore.

That's not what I would call a relationship. More of an owner/servant sort of arrangement.

As a society, sadly we most certainly have drifted off course.

I have a somewhat similar opinion. I have said, it's never 50/50. Both partners have to be willing to put in 51%, or more, all the time.

In theory, if you're willing to do that it should come back around to you when you need it. Unfortunately, "in theory" doesn't do much good any more...

 

[joel]

You are lucky she gave you the three dollars!
My DW & Daughter never gives me my change.
Only my son give me my change.

 

[INresponse]

It does not bother me
I told my blushing bride the first year we were married that I do not care what nor will I question where money is spent as long as..
Bills are paid
Food is in the pantry
Any purchase over $50. We must both agree to. This one has bit me in the butt a couple of times. Lol.

Similar for me but it was about the 4th year, after I paid off all her credit cards and my one credit card. I told her I would handle the bills for the house and the mortgage, she would buy the groceries and clothes and pay her student loans. I always sent any "extra" money with the mortgage payment towards the principle, that was a much better savings plan than the lame interest of a savings account. Other normal expenses were split depending on who was in the "generous" mood. Like some said, we were married so it was our money. The only rule I had was buy whatever you want just pay cash. Well, we had the first child who was almost 3 and went to a cabin with extended family (all her side) for Christmas. "We" all decided we would draw names for the adults and buy small gifts for all the kids. She didn't like that agreement and bought stuff for everyone out of "her" money. A few months later I found 6 or 8 various credit card bills. That Christmas and a few other reasons racked up over $3k in credit card debt. I was pissed and as I later learned many years later was the beginning of the end of our marriage.
Moral of my story, rules and guidelines are great if both halves play by the rules.
My GF and I have a better agreement, I pay for everything related to the house, she buys the groceries and clothes and anything extra she wants or needs around the house and related to the animals. I did buy the new freezer for the half a beef she bought in January and we will go 50/50 on a full beef the end of summer, but aside from that she buys the food I just want more steak to BBQ when she is away traveling for work without feeling guilty for eating all the good meat.

 

[UrbanHunter]

I have always been cash poor, the first time I got married I think the wife was planning her exit plan on the day we got married... She spent twice what I earned and then split when the credit ran out... The Second wife is a whole other story, she was left with debt too and worked to pay it off. When we got married we didn't have 2 cents to rub together... We both worked 2 or 3 jobs to get out of debt, during those years we had to discuss spending an extra $5, trust was also in short supply. Decades of dedication and determination later and we have established a reserve of both, not a lot of cash but no debts, as for trust, we both value that more than money... I don't know about 50/50, I think that to be successful both of you have to give all you got.

BUT, Sometimes life will throw you a curve ball, for example: The wife got sick almost 20 years ago, her health has been going down ever since, but she still tries to do everything she can to support the family.
Imaging, not being able to stand for more than 5 or 10 minutes before becoming faint and confused to the point of needing help to get back to your chair. Then imagine that person still trying to cook and do the dishes....
That is determination and devotion, rare things in this me first, I'm entitled world.

 

[Supervisor42]

... A few months later I found 6 or 8 various credit card bills. That Christmas and a few other reasons racked up over $3k in credit card debt. I was pissed and as I later learned many years later was the beginning of the end of our marriage.
Moral of my story, rules and guidelines are great if both halves play by the rules.

I have to chime back in about how separate finances can yield harmony.
Years ago DW ran up about a $20K balance on one of her CC's. She thought of it as 'free money' as long as she made the minimum payment.
She said: "I need to know how much I have to spend, verses how much I can spend.
Learning happened.
It took her a few years to pay it off but there was no argument or fighting.
Harmony .

 

[old tex]

years ago DW ran up about a $20K balance on one of her CC's. She thought of it as 'free money' as long as she made the minimum payment.

Boy that comment & many others brought back unpleasant memories of my first wife. (I've had 2, the first & the now last wife). Back then I made LOW pay. She wore me down & so we were basically broke all the time as in her not mad or my life was hell). Fast forward & a divorce followed. Met my now wife & discussed finances BEFORE marriage. Rule is: I don't pay interest except on a car or a house & those I pay off early & I had veto power on purchases. Scared the heck out of her but I wanted a financial future & wasn't going to live in debt again. She agreed. (I've used the veto 4 times in 38 years).

She now manages the money & cheaper than I am (she's a convert). She maybe spends $200 a month on "stuff" & I spend a lot more finding deals on crystal for her (she has about 5,000 pieces). Our IRA's are doing well (we don't need the money) & have no debt & money in savings. The only major expenses we have are crystal & our now 4 dachshunds. Life is sweet now, but it took a lot of years to get where we are.

Oh & our house, which we paid $115,500 for 18 years ago is now worth around $330,000 (it's 2,800 sq ft). Her crystal collection is probably worth more than that. Again, life is sweet!

 

[12icemaker]

A lot of great old posts in this thread, all just as relevant today as then.

I am a don't care about money or things as long as There is food water and a roof of some kind.

I never have had a problem with money and never told the wife she could not spend whatever she wanted of it as long as it got paid for as we went.

She tells me we need to discuss purchases I want to make and I say WHY?

She thinks a dollar in the hand is something to hide in the cupboard which is a losing proposition.

I always try to make a dollar grow into two, but sometimes that is a hard proposition if one of you has a death hold on it HEHEHEH.

But as I say it does not bother me in the least over the years I know there is more than I can spend eating drinking and keeping a roof.

She can have it all as long as the kids get what is left I have a tent and a fishing pole and can get my check sent to a different bank HEHEHEHEH.

 

[Hooch]

I dislike having any debt ..
I really like having a nice cushion to fall back on if needed.
I've never had anyone else responsible for my bills, so in turn I dont create much in unnecessary spending.
I dont think that would change even if I get married someday. I know how hard I've worked to make money and pay my own way, It wouldn't feel right spending someone else's money on my crap. More n more I dont think marriage will ever happen anyway at this point.
So what I make is what I have to work with n with inflation rising I tend to spend less.
It's hard to wrap my head around women who dont work who gleefully spend their spouses money or men that allow their spouse to do this. Seems incredibly disrespectful to me.

 

[old tex]

It's hard to wrap my head around women who dont work who gleefully spend their spouses money or men that allow their spouse to do this.

I'll comment on that statement. I "allowed" my first wife to overspend because I worked long hours & wanted some sort of homelife. Trust me, when she wasn't happy, my life was hell. Tell her no & it was weeks before there was piece. So I learned a lot from that marriage. I picked a perfect (for me) mate the 2nd time.

 

[Frodo]

So.... I'm to the boss!! We have our separate money, and our own money!

My wife knows damn well I run the household with a firm hand…….on the vacuum cleaner

 

[Frodo]

I have a super secret to let you in on
I am married to the best wife their is
Bar none
I do not understand how I managed to get a woman that I have NEVER suspected of cheating nor Have I ever thought about it
Saves money does not go bat **** crazy with a credit card
Only fault this woman has is she married me. an she does not put dishes back in the same spot, they move around and it is a hunt to find them
I can live with that.

 

[Tirediron]

I dislike having any debt ..
I really like having a nice cushion to fall back on if needed.
I've never had anyone else responsible for my bills, so in turn I dont create much in unnecessary spending.
I dont think that would change even if I get married someday. I know how hard I've worked to make money and pay my own way, It wouldn't feel right spending someone else's money on my crap. More n more I dont think marriage will ever happen anyway at this point.
So what I make is what I have to work with n with inflation rising I tend to spend less.
It's hard to wrap my head around women who dont work who gleefully spend their spouses money or men that allow their spouse to do this. Seems incredibly disrespectful to me.

My question is how hasn't someone latched on to you??? Damn distance

 

[old tex]

I think that the secret to a happy marriage is that you don't have to find a perfect spouse. That's impossible. You just have to find a spouse that is perfect for you. That means the things they might do that would drive someone else crazy, don't bother you.

 

[Frodo]

I think that the secret to a happy marriage is that you don't have to find a perfect spouse. That's impossible. You just have to find a spouse that is perfect for you. That means the things they might do that would drive someone else crazy, don't bother you.

Agree


It seems to me that todays generation is to lazy to make a relationship last
It takes a lot of hard work, understanding, and at times restraint
I have been married for 34 years now we have dealt with all kinds of issues , mostly my fault. 25/30 years ago I would stumble in higher than cooter Brown or get drunk and pass out on the bathroom floor with my head in the terlet. Ohhhh younger days. I love em!!!
We worked through it. We fought, loved , laughed, have seen sorrow together and dealt with death
We are still here
But it was work, hard work
And I do not see that kind of commitment today, I see couples bail on each other the first time they have a fight

 

[Tirediron]

My only marriage made it 31 years, and we had dated for a long time before that, we work through all kinds of stuff, that should have broken us apart. in the end there was just no urge on either part to go through another set of compromizes. The love was just not there anymore. I really had to control my self when someone would say "You could have worked it out". some times the work things out bucket is empty. but I do have to say that my settlement is the best that I have heard of, and my former wife filled out the divorce paper work perfectly, a clerk at the court checked a box that he had no bussiness checking and we had to re do it, exactly like she did the first one (a little coaching form a much more knowledgeable clerk) . No lawyers parasite ing our stuff.

 

[old tex]

I'll be honest, I would be the last person that should give advice on marriages. My first one was horrible so I can talk about that & divorce. My second one, well I'm sure that we had disagreements in the first couple of years, but they were minor. We have never had a heated exchange & of course no arguments. We have always worked as a team. And because we work as a team we have found that we can accomplish a lot. We don't do the your & my money thing, everything is pooled together. But that's just us.

 

[Supervisor42]

My only marriage made it 31 years, and we had dated for a long time before that, we work through all kinds of stuff, that should have broken us apart. in the end there was just no urge on either part to go through another set of compromizes. The love was just not there anymore. I really had to control my self when someone would say "You could have worked it out". some times the work things out bucket is empty. but I do have to say that my settlement is the best that I have heard of, and my former wife filled out the divorce paper work perfectly, a clerk at the court checked a box that he had no bussiness checking and we had to re do it, exactly like she did the first one (a little coaching form a much more knowledgeable clerk) . No lawyers parasite ing our stuff.

My saying always was: "A good marriage can last for decades, but a good divorce will last an eternity ".

 

[Hooch]

My question is how hasn't someone latched on to you??? Damn distance

A few have tried..
I dated a few mostly pretty nice guys..a few toads in the mix.
But timing, emotional availability, mutual interest, time to date n whatever else just wasnt there either for them or me..
I've concluded I'm just not normal in this department overall ..I dont know how people do this ..
Thankfully, I like being alone mostly..lol..

 

[teeceetx]

Sadly, most women are only after the almighty dollar.

My ex cleaned out the bank accounts when she left. Took me by surprise for sure.

Divorced in CA, where the man is totally screwed, regardless.

She married an internet millionaire. I hear they argue often.

Wish her only the worst.