Jokes and Humor

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[The Innkeeper]

 

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[Terri9630]

 

[backlash]

At the local dump there was a picture of an overloaded trailer that wasn't properly tied down. An example of what not to do. It was my brother's trailer. Now the guy working the scales at the dump can, and will, write you a ticket for an unsecured load.
The police would have that trailer pulled over before he got very far.

 

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[threetango]

 

[GrannyG]

 

[VenomJockey]

 

[threetango]

 

[Supervisor42]

View attachment 12018

Target is the worst. 28 registers, only 2 open:bang Head:

 

[DeaconKC]

 

[Dutchboy]

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. ................


Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the best, everything inside is color coded."
The second surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The third surgeon shut them up when he said, "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the butt are interchangeable..."

 

[SHOOTER13]

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[Dutchboy]

Target is the worst. 28 registers, only 2 open:bang Head:

Hey Supp, the daughter of an acquaintance of mine, just got laid off from BJ's, after 9 years working as a cashier for them. She has swore never to set foot in a BJ's ever again! She and others were replaced with the self check-out machines. I tried to explain to her that it's not the fault of BJ's, as they had no choice. I explained to her that this is what happens when "liberals" push for higher minimum wages! It becomes cheaper for companies to replace human workers with machines. If I now have to pay you $15.00 an hour plus benefits, I'm exceeding $ 31,000.00 annually! If one of those self checkout machines cost 20 or 25, 000.00, to buy, (a cost I just picked out of the sky), it's cheaper for me to use the machine. I told her, just do the math! It ain't that hard! For some reason, she had a hard time excepting my explanation!

 

[SHOOTER13]

Millennials...

Don't get me started !!

:Bart:

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[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Supervisor42]

...it's cheaper for me to use the machine. I told her, just do the math! It ain't that hard! For some reason, she had a hard time excepting my explanation!

Tell her to learn to fix machines.
Somebody has to do it.
She'll never be without a job, it can't be outsourced, is 'recession-proof', and there is always a great shortage of technicians so she'll have a price on her head.
(Of course when she retires, she may have to move to an 'undisclosed location' 500 miles away to get free of the occupation... like me)

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[Peanut]

Talking to my dad tonight, was reminded of something that happened long ago.

True story… I had been sent to take an old catscan out of the University of Illinois Medical Center in Chicago.

One morning I took a break around 9:30am. I intended to sit on a ledge by the main entrance and have a smoke. It was still winter but the sun was out and the building faced south.

As I crossed the main lobby, I met 2 guys pushing an elderly lady in a wheel chair into the building.

A few minutes later they came back out with an empty wheel chair. They were parked in a No Parking Zone by the curb, a big ole Delta 88 no less.

They collapsed the chair, put it in the trunk but for some reason the trunk lid wouldn’t shut. They kept looking at the latch, moved the chair around repeatedly, no go!

Finally, one guy decided he would get in the trunk to see why the latch wasn’t working.

Of course, that time the latch worked (as if on que)

I was already laughing at this point…

I could hear the muffled voice of the guy in the trunk yelling “Let me out! Let me out!”

The guy on the outside of the trunk was yelling back “You have the keys! You have the keys!”

I was laughing so hard I was having trouble breathing!

The only tool the outside guy had was finger nail clippers but he kept trying to pry the trunk open to no avail. This went on for 10 minutes.

I was beyond breathing now, I literally had tears streaming down my cheeks. This was the greatest show on earth!

I noticed people walking into the hospital were looking at me funny… One nice lady patted me on the shoulder and said “I’m sorry for your loss” … These people thought I had lost a loved one in the hospital… I think I blew snot at this point… This couldn’t possibly get any funnier!

About this time a good Samaritan (who wasn’t about to collapse from laughter) loaned them a screw driver. Outside guy manage to pry the top of the back seat out just enough for the inside guy to stick the keys through the gap.

The inside guy was finally free… and the best part… the latch stopped working again. They drove off with the trunk lid bouncing.


The next day my ribs were actually sore from laughing so hard.

 

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[threetango]

 

[GrannyG]