Good beef only needs a pinch of salt.
Jokes and Humor
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Good beef only needs a pinch of salt.
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I ordered a rib eye, the waiter asked if I needed steak sauce. I said I better not. He smiled and said I wouldn't need it.
Salt, pepper, and a flame, and it's good to go.
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That weather man just talked himself out of a job.
Expiration dates are only a suggestion. Don't know why it showed I responded with mumbo jumbo
Expiration dates are only a suggestion. Don't know why it showed I responded with mumbo jumbo
.
Sent this picture to my kids...
Been a rough year..
Jim
Been a rough year..
Jim
She heard the grandfather saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long." Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say, "It's okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there."
At the checkout the little horror was throwing items out of the cart. Grandfather said again in a controlled voice, "William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."
Very impressed, the woman went outside to where the grandfather was loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said, "It's none of my business but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I’m William. This little ****'s name is Kevin."
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Haven't seen him on the news. Oh, right, I've turned the television off since May! My guess he is likely to get written up and not be getting any promotions soon.
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As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although his kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go.
You’ll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!”
“Who would buy that?”
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult.
Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.”
She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
“What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?”
Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless.
“Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, ”Hang on Granny! Hang on!” My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home. The dinner went well.
We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed.
I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise’s collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house
He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although his kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go.
You’ll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!”
“Who would buy that?”
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult.
Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.”
She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused.
She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
“What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?”
Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.
“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless.
“Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the
ambulance saying, ”Hang on Granny! Hang on!” My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized
this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home. The dinner went well.
We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed.
I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.
My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise’s collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house
Jim
They forgot the lynchpin. Don’t wanna lose a good hammer like that!
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Jim
I take it we are viewing Montana or Texas...
I think I see a piece of Colorado..... Boulder.
Jim
Jim
