Jokes and Humor

[dademoss]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

I posted this politician a few weeks ago and only @Amish Heart tried to guess this persons name... One more time...

Guess Who?

Come on folks! Its worth a dollar to the winner!

 

[Sparky_D]

That's not a politician. That's what a modern day statesman should look like...

 

[dademoss]

 

[Caribou]

From Rags to Riches

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine. He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall
Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"
The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"
The shoe guy replies, "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What's your name? " asked the executive.
John H. Smith was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department; Do we have a client named John H. Smith? "Certainly, answers the Customer Service Manager, "he is a high net worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.
"We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoe shine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer.
I invited him here to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story.
"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith. I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele. I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place. Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."

 

[SLADE]

That's so sad and so true it's scary.

 

[Caribou]

 

[LadyLocust]

Found the millennial theme song

 

[rusty]

 

[INresponse]

Was never good at algebra, but can tell you how much flooring for any area, even a round room.

Last night at work at home depot I happened by the service desk where a customer was trying to pay for a roll of carpeting. The person who cut it only wrote 15 feet on the tag and they didn't know how to charge him for the carpet and asked me if I knew what to do. The roll was 12 feet wide. It was 15 feet long. I told them it was 20 yards worth of carpet. Then I was asked how I came up with that number. I had to show them 12x15=180, and then I told them that 180 divided by 9 was 20. I was then asked how I knew to divide by 9. I asked them how many feet were in a yard, 3, and then I asked them how many feet were in a square yard. I had to help them figure out they had to multiply 3 feet by 3 feet, but they did come up with 9 feet.
How did these 30-somethings ever graduate high school?

 

[rusty]

Worked with 2 recent high school grads once who could not tell time.

 

[dademoss]

 

[Pearl]

Last night at work at home depot I happened by the service desk where a customer was trying to pay for a roll of carpeting. The person who cut it only wrote 15 feet on the tag and they didn't know how to charge him for the carpet and asked me if I knew what to do. The roll was 12 feet wide. It was 15 feet long. I told them it was 20 yards worth of carpet. Then I was asked how I came up with that number. I had to show them 12x15=180, and then I told them that 180 divided by 9 was 20. I was then asked how I knew to divide by 9. I asked them how many feet were in a yard, 3, and then I asked them how many feet were in a square yard. I had to help them figure out they had to multiply 3 feet by 3 feet, but they did come up with 9 feet.
How did these 30-somethings ever graduate high school?

It's sad/funny how perplexed some young people get when "trying" to give you your change at the register. Even though it tells them what to give back!

 

[Pearl]

Worked with 2 recent high school grads once who could not tell time.

But they can vote!

 

[VThillman]

Last night at work at home depot I happened by the service desk where a customer was trying to pay for a roll of carpeting. The person who cut it only wrote 15 feet on the tag and they didn't know how to charge him for the carpet and asked me if I knew what to do. The roll was 12 feet wide. It was 15 feet long. I told them it was 20 yards worth of carpet. Then I was asked how I came up with that number. I had to show them 12x15=180, and then I told them that 180 divided by 9 was 20. I was then asked how I knew to divide by 9. I asked them how many feet were in a yard, 3, and then I asked them how many feet were in a square yard. I had to help them figure out they had to multiply 3 feet by 3 feet, but they did come up with 9 feet.
How did these 30-somethings ever graduate high school?

Were many people who are now in their 30s subjected to New Math? Being in my 80s, I wasn't - but I've heard rumors.

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

True story.... few years ago a kid at the register of a local market actually asked me if I were psychic because I told him my change should be a $10, 3 $1's, 2 dimes and a penny from the $20 I handed him.

When I said I learned to do simple math in head in the 4th grade he didn't believe me! It was easier for him to believe I was psychic than to believe I could do simple math in my head.

Edit add... that day, directly behind me was the managers office. I asked the kid "What did they teach you in school? If you don't know basic math how do you know the man in that office is paying you the right amount?"

He said "It says on my check what I should be paid!"

I just walked away... There was nothing left to say at that point.

 

[Peanut]

 

[Neb]

Is it just me or do you miss the days when the threat of CRT was sitting too close to a cathode ray tube?

Ben

 

[INresponse]

Were many people who are now in their 30s subjected to New Math? Being in my 80s, I wasn't - but I've heard rumors.

It is disappointing to think what the schools do not teach anymore. Cursive writing, how the hell do people sign checks or loan documents or any other important papers? I know, very few people ever write checks or maybe only a few a year, and when I bought my property several years back I "signed" the purchase agreement papers I had to open the agreement on line and check boxes and type my name. I did demand signing the actual paperwork at the title company before handing them the check, which I also had to sign.

 

[Pearl]

During a cyber attack when there is no internet, only us non-millenials will be able to function.

 

[rusty]

I went back a few years ago to finish getting my degree. Algebra class made no sense at all. History had been sanitized. My government teacher was asking me about politics in the 60s. The Sociology teacher had never heard of "Wounded Knee" or how we "acquired" Hawaii. There were vague references to both in the book.

 

[dademoss]

 

[backlash]

It is disappointing to think what the schools do not teach anymore. Cursive writing, how the hell do people sign checks or loan documents or any other important papers? I know, very few people ever write checks or maybe only a few a year, and when I bought my property several years back I "signed" the purchase agreement papers I had to open the agreement on line and check boxes and type my name. I did demand signing the actual paperwork at the title company before handing them the check, which I also had to sign.

A signature doesn't have to be even close to your name just as long as you sign the same way all the time. Make the first letters look like the letter and the rest can be a squiggly line.
When a cashier says to sign the card reader I just scribble on the pad.
My wife signs my name so often if I ever do sign a check they probably won't accept it.

 

[Neb]

A signature doesn't have to be even close to your name just as long as you sign the same way all the time. Make the first letters look like the letter and the rest can be a squiggly line.
When a cashier says to sign the card reader I just scribble on the pad.
My wife signs my name so often if I ever do sign a check they probably won't accept it.

I can relate.

I sign my full name but...

While in the Navy I had to keep logs where every entry had to include a signature time and date. Ocer time the 31 characters in my name morphed into a stylized "B" followed the other 30 letters reflected by a wild flourish.

Ben

 

[VThillman]

I can relate.

I sign my full name but...

While in the Navy I had to keep logs where every entry had to include a signature time and date. Ocer time the 31 characters in my name morphed into a stylized "B" followed the other 30 letters reflected by a wild flourish.

Ben

A knowledgeable person at my credit union once told me (after complimenting me on the legibility of my signature) that the common one-letter-then-squiggle signature is relatively easy to forge for check passing purposes. FYI, YMMV.

 

[winds-of-change]

Were many people who are now in their 30s subjected to New Math? Being in my 80s, I wasn't - but I've heard rumors.

I’m in my 60’s and I’m a victim of ‘new math’. Right in elementary school when I should have been getting a foundation in math. Truly, it ruined any hope of me understanding math.

When I was in high school, I wash a cashier at a department store. Does anyone remember Zayre? Anyway, I had a definite knack for jacking change. Give me a $20 for a $16.72 purchase? seventy three, seventy four, seventy five, $17, 18,18,20.
So, three pennies, a quarter and three singles.

 

[Neb]

A knowledgeable person at my credit union once told me (after complimenting me on the legibility of my signature) that the common one-letter-then-squiggle signature is relatively easy to forge for check passing purposes. FYI, YMMV.

I will grant that point.

For the benefit of all the people that have waited for me to sign my name over 40 years...
I will suffer the risk vs respect for their time.

2 seconds vs 30

Ben