Jokes and Humor

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[SHOOTER13]

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[SHOOTER13]

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[SHOOTER13]

Tactical Beer Mug...

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[Supervisor42]

Ah yes, assuming the correct firing position for the Barrett 50 cal.
View attachment 7107

I'd be willing to offer her some backup.

 

[SHOOTER13]

Executive Six Pack Carrier...

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[Tommy D.]

I don't think I'd like being deleted.

 

[tazo2503]

Better View:

NICE GUNS !!

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Once in my life before I die...

 

[phideaux]

Two old guys sitting on a bench,
One turns to the other and says,"my butt fell asleep"
The other says "Yep,I heard it snoring a couple of times too"
-------------------

Scientist are thinking that the Earth is going through climate change due to methane gas.
Its called the Flatulent Earth theory!
-----------------------------

Ole and Sven were waiting at the bus stop when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.
Ole said, “I’m gonna do dat when I win da lottery.”
“What's dat, den?” asks Sven.

“Send my lawn away to be mowed."




Jim

 

[jimLE]

Bona fide jave junkie..i drink coffee four own protection. .

Coffee.have another cup.you can sleep when yoyr daed.

 

[TMT Tactical]

I don't think I'd like being deleted.

We certainly appreciate the restraint, don't need the work.

 

[squirrelhunter]

Tactical Beer Mug...

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The libs would probably try to ban it :wink:

 

[threetango]

 

[TMT Tactical]

State Jokes: Part 1 --You have 49 chances to laugh and one chance to be "That's Not Right", so enjoy.

Alabama
When a visitor to a town in Alabama spotted a dog attacking a boy, he grabbed the animal and throttled it with his bare hands. An impressed reporter saw the incident and told him the next day's headline would scream 'Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.'

'I'm not from this town,' said the hero.

'Then,' the reporter said, 'it will say 'Alabama Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.'

'Actually,' said the man, 'I'm from New Hampshire.

'In that case,' the reporter grumbled, 'the headline will be 'Yankee Kills Family Pet.'

Alaska
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage. The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked, 'Where were you on the night of October to April?'

Arizona
It's so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.

Arkansas
An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.
He says to the driver, 'Got any ID?'
The driver asks, ''Bout what?'

California
What is every Californian's favorite part about the winter? Watching all of the bad weather on TV.

Colorado
How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan? He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.

Connecticut
What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut? The Kennedys don't own Connecticut.

Delaware
A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, 'Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?'
'You mean aspirin?' says the pharmacist.
'That's it! I can never remember that word.'

Florida
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. —Jerry Seinfeld

Georgia
How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with 'Go down Peachtree ...' and include the phrase 'When you see the Waffle House ...'

Hawaii
What do you call a Hawaiian murder mystery? A Hula-Dunnit.

Idaho
Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:
Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command: His best friend.
Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
Captain: New guy.
Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

Illinois
This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.' —Richard Jeni

Indiana
What is the difference between Indiana sports fans and puppies? Eventually, the puppies will grow up and stop whining so much.

Iowa
What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.

Kansas
What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.

Kentucky
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?
If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Louisiana
What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. 

Maine
After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. 'Good,' said the farmer. 'I couldn't take another one of those Maine winters.'

Maryland
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. 'Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?'
Sure, buddy,' says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
'That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?'
The plebe snaps to attention and barks, 'No, sir!'


https://www.msn.com/en-us/lifestyle...-all-50-states/ss-AAxkJV1?li=BBnb7Kz#image=50

 

[TMT Tactical]

State Jokes: Part 2 --You have 49 chances to laugh and one chance to be "That's Not Right", so enjoy.


Massachusetts
Lewis Black on Boston traffic: 'The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!''

Michigan
What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.

Minnesota
What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

Mississippi
How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, 'I've gotta leak in my sink,' and the person at the front desk says, 'Go ahead.'

Missouri
A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, 'Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?'The bartender says, 'Listen, pal, I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?'
'No,' says the guy from Kansas City. 'Not if I have to explain it three times.'

Montana
Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. 'What are you doing?' asks the Nebraskan.

We have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them.'

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. 'What are you doing?' asks the gal from Montana.'We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them.'

Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.

Nebraska
Just keep driving. When something changes, you'll know you're out of Nebraska.

Nevada
Las Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato. —Jason Love

New Hampshire
The state motto is 'Live Free or Die,' which appears on license plates made by prisoners. —Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

New Jersey

As you know, the bear hunting season in New Jersey is a little bit different. First, they shoot the bear and then they bury it in a construction site. —Late Show with David Letterman

New Mexico
Traveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop. 'What are you doing?' asks the man.
The tribesman replies, 'Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph.'
'Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?'
'No,' says the Native American. 'They ran over me five minutes ago.'

New York
I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. —Anita Weiss

North Carolina
On his first trip to Boston, the North Carolinian met a girl at a bar and asked her, 'Do you go to Harvard?
'The girl responded, 'Yale.'
'OK. DO YOU GO TO HARVARD?!'

North Dakota
What's a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack.

Ohio
How do you know you're from Ohio? You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

Oklahoma
How can you tell if an Oklahoman is married? There's dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Oregon
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan, 'Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?
''They're from Oregon,' Satan replies. 'They're too wet to burn.'

Pennsylvania
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A mechanic.

Rhode Island
Welcome to Rhode Island! Enjoy it, because it ends in 40 feet.

South Carolina
While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, 'Are there any gators around here?!
'Naw,' the man hollered back, 'they ain't been around for years!'
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore. Halfway there, he asked the guy, 'How'd you get rid of the gators?''
We didn't do anything,' the old guy said. 'The sharks got 'em.'

South Dakota
A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Tennessee
Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back …

Texas
Kinky Friedman, an entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: 'Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.'

Utah
An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred.
'Do you smoke or drink?' asks the doctor.
'Those things have never and will never touch my lips,' says the man.
'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?'
'Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either.'
'Well then,' says the doctor, 'what do you want to live to be a hundred for?'

Vermont
What did the guy from Burlington say to the Pillsbury Doughboy? 'Hey, nice tan.'

Virginia
In my day, Virginia was for people who were just friends, not lovers.


Washington
In Seattle, you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running. —Jeff Bezos

West Virginia
What is the West Virginia state flower? The satellite dish.

Wisconsin
Sven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard—'Boat for Sale.'
'Ole,' he says, 'you don't own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine.'
'Yup,' said Ole. 'And they're boat for sale.'

Wyoming
Why are cowboys' hats turned up on the sides? So that three people can fit in the pickup.

 

[snappy1]

Now, that's funny!!! Loved all y'all! Every State!

 

[zoomzoom]

"Iowa What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night."

Hey, we resemble that where I live in PA. There's one day per school year where the seniors are allowed to drive a tractor to school instead of their car or riding the bus. Last time I saw the parking lot, there were probably 80 tractors (out of 100 seniors).

 

[Fredjocko]

 

[Fredjocko]

 

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[Caribou]

WHEN YOU'RE OLD, AND YOU DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE .
George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.”
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Don't mess with old people - A few chuckles for seniors!!!!

GETTING OLDER
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my conditionbecause this prescription ismarked 'NO REFILLS'......"

**********************
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery. He insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to
speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well,if something happens to me, your mother
is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about yourage and start bragging about it.
This is so true.
I love to hear them say
"you don't look that old."
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we
were waiting in line in the first place !!)
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Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth think of Algebra.
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One of the many things
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
*********
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper......But it's worse when you forget to pull it down!!
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Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Martwhen they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too.. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
matter --- let's look for yours."
*********************
(And this final one.........)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . stick around awhile . .
it will!

 

[The Innkeeper]

Seen some relatives there...


Jim

He had me going for a minute, I have t been very active because it is our busy season with the B$B and I didn’t want to get deleted. So the joke is on me but turnabout is fair play .... evil laugh

 

[The Lazy L]

When you are dissatisfiedand would like to go back to youth think of Algebra.

This is what a shy Mermaid wears.
Alge bra
Algae bra