Jokes and Humor

[Peanut]

I use to work lot of evenings and recorded the local news everyday on my vcr. Every once in a while I’d record a blooper. One...

River festival in charleston wv. A guy was giving an enthusiastic “on scene” report of the the crowds and festival activities plus scheduled events for that evening.

The funny part… over the reporters shoulder was a big empty parking lot with some festival trash blowing around. Not a single person in sight.

Until it got really funny… A lady with big blonde hair, very nice jewelry and clothes, walks behind the reporter but across the street. She was wearing heels and white spandex looking pants. She was an upper middle class diva strutting her stuff, with her 4yrold and a little one in a stroller.

She stops and checks the stroller, bends over, away from the camera, with her butt in plain view just over the reporters right shoulder.

The reporter doesn’t know this and is talking excitedly about some barbecue contest. With this poor ladies butt, in spandex, over his right shoulder… It was a long segment, 2 min, and for most of it Mrs. Spandex's stuff was on display.

All my local friends wanted copies. It was sooo funny! I felt bad for the poor lady, if I recorded it other people did to.

Speaking of spandex...

 

[Peanut]

 

[dademoss]

 

[joel]

View attachment 74187

WITH FREE COOKIES, WHAT A DEAL!!!!! WOOOHOOO!!!

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[Terri9630]

He's a horrible tipper!

That's about 12%.

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Patchouli]

View attachment 74192

so sick I laughed hard enough I started coughing.
And the dog looked at me.

 

[joel]

 

[dademoss]

 

[dademoss]

Mine would say firearms/optics/magazines

 

[dademoss]

 

[jazzy]

 

[SoJer]

..Spotted this gem on the back of a mini-van out here..

...Sure ain't that way in This household, but.. First marriage was just about like that... ya.. No Thanks...

jd

 

[dademoss]

 

[Caribou]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

AND THE BEST IS LAST: ::

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

 

[Pearl]

The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

AND THE BEST IS LAST: ::

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

OH MY!! Ands that's how our country got in this predicament!! WOW!

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

i want one of these

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]