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Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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Took me a while to figure out a reply; Wife loved to embarrass me in public by asking me questions like, "What was she wearing on our first date?" or "What restaurant did we eat at?" or "When was the first time I told her that I loved her?" How in the Sam Hill should I know? What's her definition of a date? I'm enjoying her company not writing a diary!!!!
I finally came up with answers that put a end to her questions!!!
Wife: What color was my dress on our first date?
Me: What year was the car I drove the first time I took you to your home from work? (We worked at the same Drug store. I was a stock-boy and she was a waitress).
Wife: Where did we go on our first date?
Me: What size engine did my red car have?
When she couldn't answer my questions she stopped asking hers!!!!!!
I just ask what number date did you stop slapping my hand away.
I don't know the answer but she doesn't know that I don't.
I don't know the answer but she doesn't know that I don't.
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I was obviously distracted.
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At a party, a girl is whispering to her friend after meeting a nice looking guy at the party minutes earlier. "He says he has a corner office with a view, gets paid to travel around in a $400K vehicle. Heck yea, I’m going to sleep with him”.
Later that evening after she’s laying in his bed after satisfying sex.
She says “So, what exactly do you do for a living?”
Him “I drive a bus”.
Later that evening after she’s laying in his bed after satisfying sex.
She says “So, what exactly do you do for a living?”
Him “I drive a bus”.
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Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Trump,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?’
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”
“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
“Dave! What’s happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!”
Although impressed, Dave’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Dave says.
“President Trump,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yup,” Dave says, “Old buddies, let’s fly out to Washington,” and off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a beer first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“Pope Francis,” his boss replies.
“Sure!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican’s St. Peter’s Square when Dave says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss’ side, Dave asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, ‘Who is that on the balcony with Dave?’
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Pope joke huh? I've got one of those.
The Pope came to America for a visit.
He was picked up one day at his hotel and went on a tour of the area.
His driver was a real nice guy and they got along really well.
So the Pope told him "You know I never get to drive anymore since I became the Pope. Do you think I could drive this limo a bit?"
The driver said sure, and climbed in the back while the Pope took the wheel.
Well he got to speeding and was pulled over by a highway patrol officer.
The cop walked up to the window and turned away almost immediately and went back to his patrol car.
He got on the radio and called his beat sergeant.
He said Sarge, I pulled over someone really big and I'm scared to write him a ticket.
Sarge said "Is it the Mayor?" "No Bigger" the officer said. Is the Governor? "Bigger still" said the cop
"Well who have you pulled over then"? said the Sergeant.
I don't know... but his driver is the Pope!
The Pope came to America for a visit.
He was picked up one day at his hotel and went on a tour of the area.
His driver was a real nice guy and they got along really well.
So the Pope told him "You know I never get to drive anymore since I became the Pope. Do you think I could drive this limo a bit?"
The driver said sure, and climbed in the back while the Pope took the wheel.
Well he got to speeding and was pulled over by a highway patrol officer.
The cop walked up to the window and turned away almost immediately and went back to his patrol car.
He got on the radio and called his beat sergeant.
He said Sarge, I pulled over someone really big and I'm scared to write him a ticket.
Sarge said "Is it the Mayor?" "No Bigger" the officer said. Is the Governor? "Bigger still" said the cop
"Well who have you pulled over then"? said the Sergeant.
I don't know... but his driver is the Pope!
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Mine too!
I took a ride with a general contractor one day in Maui.
He put in an opera tape, then he sang along with it, in Italian.
Different kind of guy.
Bugs Bunny is more my speed.
He put in an opera tape, then he sang along with it, in Italian.
Different kind of guy.
Bugs Bunny is more my speed.
Early cartoons are where I learned to love classical music! I still envision Merry Melody Cartoons when listening to classical!
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