Jokes and Humor

[Woody]

I am sure this one has been here before, but worth a repost!

Jim Mooney had been retired for a few years when suddenly he received a summons one day from the IRS.
He’s been selected randomly for a tax audit, so he decides it might be wise if he takes his attorney with him.
Unsurprised by the attorney’s presence, the IRS auditor explains the procedure and then says to Jim, “Mr Mooney, we have been reviewing your affairs and it appears that you have an extravagant lifestyle and yet you’re not in full-time employment nor do you have any other obvious sources of income.
You’ve explained this by saying that you win money gambling. Well, sir, I have to tell you, the IRS doesn’t believe that’s a credible explanation.”
“Well I am a skilled gambler,” says Jim, “and I can prove it to you if you’re willing to participate in a wager with me.”
The IRS auditor considers this proposition momentarily and then says, “Yes, I’m willing to give that a try, so go ahead.”
Right,” says Jim, “I’ll bet you one thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The IRS auditor considers this carefully and decides that it’s impossible.
“OK then Mr Mooney,” he says, “You have a bet.”
At this point, and to the IRS auditor’s great surprise, Jim removes his glass eye and then bites it.
The auditor sits there in stunned silence,
Jim then says, “I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Mr Mooney isn’t blind, so he can’t have another glass eye, thinks the auditor. That’s got to be impossible, surely? So, the auditor accepts the bet.
So, Jim removes his dentures and then bites his good eye.
The auditor is stunned, once again, as he now realizes he’s lost three grand and Jim has his attorney as a witness. Naturally, the auditor is starting to get a little nervous.
“Want to go again?” asks Jim
“What do you have in mind now?” asks the auditor.
Jim smiles and says, “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on this side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket next to your chair, without a single drop going anywhere in between.”
The auditor, realizing now that he’s dealing with a wily old fox, is feeling very cautious. However he thinks carefully about the proposition and he decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees.
Jim stands in front of the desk, lowers his zipper, and strains mightily but the trajectory of his pee fails to reach the wastebasket and splashes all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor is both ecstatic and relieved. He’s just turned a major loss into a huge win for him.
However, Jim’s attorney shouts out in obvious pain and puts his head in his hands face-down on the auditor’s desk.
“What’s the matter?” asked the auditor.
“When my client asked me to attend this audit today,” the attorney responded, “he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

 

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[backlash]

What does a drone Pilot pay anyway? I don't have a problem strafing border bunnies and camel spiders.

You really want to join the Air Force?
I think the drone pilots are all active duty AF.

 

[Magus]

As long as I don't have to take a physical I can't pass. I'm pushing 60 you know.

 

[Sparky_D]

Sign on chiropractic office this morning:

"The Earths rotation makes my day!"

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Magus]

No matter what it is in creation, somebody somewhere tried to screw it. LOLOLOL

 

[bkt]

What does a drone Pilot pay anyway? I don't have a problem strafing border bunnies and camel spiders.

I don't know what they get paid. I hear you, but unfortunately, I don't think they let you pick your own targets. You'll be shooting at innocents on the other side of the planet.

 

[Magus]

Probably.

 

[SoJer]

No matter what it is in creation, somebody somewhere tried to screw it. LOLOLOL

Ayep.. https://nypost.com/2018/05/03/extremely-drunk-man-tried-to-have-sex-with-car-tailpipe-cops/ But, heh - I can just imagine ol' Granny on the porch, chillin in her rocking chair:
..WHAT'N CARNATION?? PAW, WHERE'S MUH SCATTER-SPLATTER? There's a Californicater out front fixin to shame-up Bucky's Car!

Anyhoo, OK, I've got one.. Not sure if I ever posted these, but.. Ran across these in a non-descript text-clipping by chance the other day, lookin for some old files on the Mac.. Inspired by Dave Letterman's old 'Top Ten' list of yore (some were 'his', some I made up..

Top Ten Consumer Products (that didn't quite make it!) -

10.The New Ford Pinto Schoolbus

9. Chainsaw Big Wheel

8. Adventure People 'Prison Break' Action Set

7. Date Rape Barbie

6. Tropicana "Taste of Alaska" Breakfast Blubber

5. Dr. Kevorkian 'Sleepytyme Herbal Teas'

4. Stridex Medicated Breakfast Waffles

3. Cajun-Style Visine

2. Taco-Bismol

1. Orville Redenbachers' Microwave Home Pregnancy Kit

..and my own 'Bonus #11' / personal-fav... Certs with Ricin

jd

 

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[jazzy]

 

[jazzy]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[angie_nrs]

 

[Ozarks hillbilly]

What does a drone Pilot pay anyway? I don't have a problem strafing border bunnies and camel spiders.

They’re not all active duty and it depends on the rank, so same as all officers in the AF, plus they are offered a bonus when their commitment is up.

So, what does a drone pilot do when he gets shot down? Most grab another coffee and get back into the seat

 

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[havasu]

 

[kd4ulw]

 

[Patchouli]

 

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[Magus]

I got talked into buying a toilet seat that resets itself. I said:
"Bro, I don't have a wife, I doubt having a girlfriend again either I don't care!"
Well, it was the same price, I bought it. damned if it don't come in handy at 3:00 AM!

 

[dademoss]