Semper Fi
Jokes and Humor
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Yep, you are one of us now
Literally NONE of the ladies on this forum.
Darwin is giggling from beyond the grave!
Yep. this is why the American birth rate is down. Notice the couples as well.
Darwin is giggling from beyond the grave!
Yep. this is why the American birth rate is down. Notice the couples as well.
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I think you have to go to confession for that, even if you're not a Catholic!
I don't know why I thought of this but it's the day mom and dad took us to the circus. The unholy of unholy orders from mom, take a bath! Well at least we get to play with our new bathtub toys. I put my toaster over on the side of the tub and plugged it in. Little brother was having a hard time plugging in his am/fm radio so I helped him. As soon as I plugged it in a ZZZZTTTT came from the tub with a bright flash of light! Then outside was a brilliant flash and a huge kaboom! All the power had gone out! We jumped in the tub so we wouldn't get in trouble. We could hear mom coming but she was whistling and half singing. She opened the door and looked at us, mom always was kind of pale, and turned white as a sheet! We said "mom what happened to the electricity?" We saw her drop her shoulders, more than usual, and kind of got a scared look on her face. Her turned and started back to the kitchen visibly distressed. After that we vowed to never ask mom about the electricity again!
Tomorrow...Heading for the Circus!
Tomorrow...Heading for the Circus!
So we got dressed and dad said hop in the car, don't worry about the garage door I'll get it. Dad always forgot to take the padlock off the door and open it after he started the car, talk about stinky! Never underestimate kids! It was the same kind as he kept on his tool box and it was easy to pick open, that's a story for another day! So we opened the door as usual and hopped in the car and waited. Mom and dad came out after a while and we were off to the circus! Dad always was terrible at directions and had me and bro jump out and go look around. He would always forget where he left us and we would find our way home. Today was no different as we got lost out in some woods we never been to this time. Bro and I went looking while mom and dad drove around too. After a while we looked for them but couldn't find them so we went looking for the circus. We walked a long time. Then we heard music! We got closer and it was calliope music! We found the circus!
Tomorrow The Circus!
Tomorrow The Circus!
So he saying he wants his robot to be a little less life like?
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What do panties and nail polish have in common?
Alcohol removes both of them.
Alcohol removes both of them.
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Found this written by someone's husband:
Things I've Learnt About Horses.
Livery yards are not full of ultra fit young ladies in white jodphurs & show jackets despite what adverts/film/TV would have you beleive.
I can now tell the difference between a cheap pitchfork & a decent one.
2 tonnes is the daily amount a horse *****.
A bucket that costs 99p at B&Q will cost £9.99 at a horsey shop.
6 months ago if a horse bared it's teeth, flattened its ears & went for me. I filled my pants with ****. Now it just gets a slap & shouted at.
If a horse stands on your foot no amount of pushing will shift it.
The horse is perfectly designed by nature to covert £ sterling into ****. Literally.
If a horse can do something stupid it will do it.
Horses like to knock over wheel barrows piled high with ****.
January at 5am is an awful time of day to be at a stable so I let Her do this.
A saddle. An item crafted out of the finest leather & costing upwards of £1k that never fits your horse.
You can ACTUALLY wear out a pair of Wellington boots in 6 months.
A decent pair Wellington boots that last 6 months cost around £100.
The vet. A nice man that turns up regularly & empties your bank account.
Grooming. It takes hours & is the green light for your horse to then go and roll in mud, **** & probably fox poo.
Horse dentist. A barbaric man with steel toe cap boots, a bucket of big rasp files who turns up & empties your bank account.
Farrier. A really nice bloke who turns up & empties your bank account every 6 weeks in exchange for putting bits of metal on your horses feet which fall off with 10 minutes of him leaving.
Horse Walker. A giant electrified hamster wheel for horses.
Crop. A whip thing covered in mud & hair & not at like the ones in Anne Summers.
Wheelbarrows. I can now tell the difference between a good one & a bad one. A good one has a low centre of gravity. A bad one falls over as soon as a horse so much as farts near it.
Water bucket. A container holding fresh water into which a horse must **** at the first opportunity.
Horse Teeth. Giant chisel like things that the bastards like to grab you with the instant you're not looking.
Hunting. A big excuse for lots of horsey people to race around the countryside, looking posh with loads of dogs & never ever seeing a fox. Mainly because I shot it 2 weeks ago. And a nice excuse for yobs in balaclavas to have an outing and desperate not admit to it being a class war, despite the people with the horses having more of an empty bank account than they do.
Being run over by a horse feels exactly the same as being run over by a car. I've done both & can confirm this to be true.
6 months ago, watching my beautiful girlfriend, riding a demented, bronc'ing, rearing fiery horse filled me with dread. Now I just accept it's what happens.
4 hours is the time it takes to use a foot pump to inflate a 7.5 tonne horse lorry tire to 85lb PSI with a foot pump.
Stock fencing. An object that any horse treats as a challenge. It's to be jumped, kicked, leant against until it snaps at any opportunity.
Electric fencing. Decorative tinsel for ponies!
Horse worms. Jesus!!!! They're HUGE! A ball of grass snakes just fell out of your horses bum. Apparently this is because the previous owner used a 'herbal remedy' & not a proper medication.
Don't wrap the lead rope around your hand. Because a dangerous empty bag of Quavers, which are well known for attacking horses, will blow past in the wind causing the horse to bolt in panic & will pull your fingers out of their sockets. This hurts enough to make you vomit.
Horse rugs. Why do we always need another one? What does this one do that the other 76 don't do?
Things I've Learnt About Horses.
Livery yards are not full of ultra fit young ladies in white jodphurs & show jackets despite what adverts/film/TV would have you beleive.
I can now tell the difference between a cheap pitchfork & a decent one.
2 tonnes is the daily amount a horse *****.
A bucket that costs 99p at B&Q will cost £9.99 at a horsey shop.
6 months ago if a horse bared it's teeth, flattened its ears & went for me. I filled my pants with ****. Now it just gets a slap & shouted at.
If a horse stands on your foot no amount of pushing will shift it.
The horse is perfectly designed by nature to covert £ sterling into ****. Literally.
If a horse can do something stupid it will do it.
Horses like to knock over wheel barrows piled high with ****.
January at 5am is an awful time of day to be at a stable so I let Her do this.
A saddle. An item crafted out of the finest leather & costing upwards of £1k that never fits your horse.
You can ACTUALLY wear out a pair of Wellington boots in 6 months.
A decent pair Wellington boots that last 6 months cost around £100.
The vet. A nice man that turns up regularly & empties your bank account.
Grooming. It takes hours & is the green light for your horse to then go and roll in mud, **** & probably fox poo.
Horse dentist. A barbaric man with steel toe cap boots, a bucket of big rasp files who turns up & empties your bank account.
Farrier. A really nice bloke who turns up & empties your bank account every 6 weeks in exchange for putting bits of metal on your horses feet which fall off with 10 minutes of him leaving.
Horse Walker. A giant electrified hamster wheel for horses.
Crop. A whip thing covered in mud & hair & not at like the ones in Anne Summers.
Wheelbarrows. I can now tell the difference between a good one & a bad one. A good one has a low centre of gravity. A bad one falls over as soon as a horse so much as farts near it.
Water bucket. A container holding fresh water into which a horse must **** at the first opportunity.
Horse Teeth. Giant chisel like things that the bastards like to grab you with the instant you're not looking.
Hunting. A big excuse for lots of horsey people to race around the countryside, looking posh with loads of dogs & never ever seeing a fox. Mainly because I shot it 2 weeks ago. And a nice excuse for yobs in balaclavas to have an outing and desperate not admit to it being a class war, despite the people with the horses having more of an empty bank account than they do.
Being run over by a horse feels exactly the same as being run over by a car. I've done both & can confirm this to be true.
6 months ago, watching my beautiful girlfriend, riding a demented, bronc'ing, rearing fiery horse filled me with dread. Now I just accept it's what happens.
4 hours is the time it takes to use a foot pump to inflate a 7.5 tonne horse lorry tire to 85lb PSI with a foot pump.
Stock fencing. An object that any horse treats as a challenge. It's to be jumped, kicked, leant against until it snaps at any opportunity.
Electric fencing. Decorative tinsel for ponies!
Horse worms. Jesus!!!! They're HUGE! A ball of grass snakes just fell out of your horses bum. Apparently this is because the previous owner used a 'herbal remedy' & not a proper medication.
Don't wrap the lead rope around your hand. Because a dangerous empty bag of Quavers, which are well known for attacking horses, will blow past in the wind causing the horse to bolt in panic & will pull your fingers out of their sockets. This hurts enough to make you vomit.
Horse rugs. Why do we always need another one? What does this one do that the other 76 don't do?
