Need Advice

[Meerkat]

Daughter took her son to military academy Thuesday, she is on the way 4 hour trip to pick him up right now.
He is teling her all kinds of things about how bad school is, maybe making up or lying.

He has been tellingboth his parents no and smarting off, plus vaping, smoking pot, huffing, got caught with a gun twice and just controlls them getting his way.Now she will lose the $7000 she paid in advance 2 weeks ago.No more guns though, no money,spent his allowence so its all gone.

He said boys are picking on him, people look evil, ,etc,etc,etc,
I told her she may be visitng him in prison which is lot worse and nobody can get him out.
He is still in controll,imo.

 

[zoomzoom]

I think it's a huge mistake to go pick him up.
He went to a military academy and people are picking on him and look evil!??! He sounds like a snowflake. All military institutions start by demeaning their new recruits. Have him watch some Youtube videos about the Marine Corps boot camp at Parris Island. Those videos will be the sugar coated version of what really happens.
I'd give him 3 options. Stay at the academy, go into the active military or do what he has been doing which may end him up in jail.

 

[Meerkat]

I think it's a huge mistake to go pick him up.
He went to a military academy and people are picking on him and look evil!??! He sounds like a snowflake. All military institutions start by demeaning their new recruits. Have him watch some Youtube videos about the Marine Corps boot camp at Parris Island. Those videos will be the sugar coated version of what really happens.
I'd give him 3 options. Stay at the academy, go into the active military or do what he has been doing which may end him up in jail.

THank you for advice and I agree. I just told her he is still in controll of her and his dad which is workoholic and also lets him talk back to him too because its easier than correcting him.
Hubby and I both told her to turn around and stop taking text.
He took a burn phone which is totally against school rules too. Has been testing her since first night.

 

[Weedygarden]

She needs to inform the school that her son has a burner phone.

Grandson, for the first time in his life, is probably being held accountable, and he is having a hard time dealing with it. I know a young man who was sent to military school. He told me it saved his life, as he was on a trajectory that was not good. This is likely true of your grandson. If he isn't brought to reality, he will always have problems. Everyone needs to stop accepting calls from his burner. He has his mother wrapped around his finger. That is his problem. He is not alone in this kind of problem.

 

[Meerkat]

Weedy ,Patch,BacP ,JIm, MoBook,Bluez and others here, need help here,What do yall think?

 

[Meerkat]

She needs to inform the school that her son has a burner phone.

Grandson, for the first time in his life, is probably being held accountable, and he is having a hard time dealing with it. I know a young man who was sent to military school. He told me it saved his life, as he was on a trajectory that was not good. This is likely true of your grandson. If he isn't brought to reality, he will always have problems. Everyone needs to stop accepting calls from his burner. He has his mother wrapped around his finger. That is his problem. He is not alone in this kind of problem.

Wha I told her just wanted to make sure yall agree. Its hard for us moms and grandparents because emotioins get i nthe way.

 

[Meerkat]

First thing hubby said was turn him in for breaking rule of phone.
The 15 yr old rules over them.

 

[Weedygarden]

What I told her just wanted to make sure y'all agree. Its hard for us moms and grandparents because emotions get in the way.

Manipulative people of all sorts are well rehearsed. I also think this works on whatever personality dynamics exist in families.

If there is an addiction, Alanon is a good place to get support. Family and individual therapy can be helpful.

Grandson has probably had attention seeking behavior his whole life, and it has morphed and escalated, especially since his dad is too busy providing but not participating in his life. When attention is sought, the behavior can quickly move to power struggles. The attention seeking can be negative, if the basic human need for attention is not given without needing to behave in a way to seek it. That is when children turn to negative attention seeking. I've seen it in many former students. They get attention for misbehaving, so they misbehave. If and when they are punished, they began to seek revenge. This is often done in quiet and sneaky ways (destruction, stealing).

 

[Weedygarden]

First thing hubby said was turn him in for breaking rule of phone.
The 15 yr old rules over them.

Yes, and this is ultimately the better thing for the grandson!

 

[UrbanHunter]

They should take away the phone, give him a note pad, envelopes, and stamps....
Take away mom's keys.... but be kind, she's going through withdraw.....
You can't expect the kid to grow up if the parents won't.

 

[Meerkat]

Manipulative people of all sorts are well rehearsed. I also think this works on whatever personality dynamics exist in families.

If there is an addiction, Alanon is a good place to get support. Family and individual therapy can be helpful.

Grandson has probably had attention seeking behavior his whole life, and it has morphed and escalated, especially since his dad is too busy providing but not participating in his life. When attention is sought, the behavior can quickly move to power struggles. The attention seeking can be negative, if the basic human need for attention is not given without needing to behave in a way to seek it. That is when children turn to negative attention seeking. I've seen it in many former students. They get attention for misbehaving, so they misbehave. If and when they are punished, they began to seek revenge. This is often done in quiet and sneaky ways (destruction, stealing).

Exactly! And his dad complained about his own dad never being there for him.
My grandson has always got his way. A cild needs correction and he ignores that.

 

[Meerkat]

They should take away the phone, give him a note pad, envelopes, and stamps....
Take away mom's keys.... but be kind, she's going through withdraw.....
You can't expect the kid to grow up if the parents won't.

She feels quilty for not correctinghim sooner plus his dad is not involved so she blames him too.
I told hr at least he provides them with good life and works, although he is workoholic.

 

[Weedygarden]

They should take away the phone, give him a note pad, envelopes, and stamps....
Take away mom's keys.... but be kind, she's going through withdraw.....
You can't expect the kid to grow up if the parents won't.

And Mom is going to be on the biggest guilt trip he has ever put her on!

 

[phideaux]

I would turn him over to the school she's paying for.
Tell them to get his hind in in gear , because "you ain't leaving here " at least till you prove your responsible for yourself.
No way should they bring him home.
A good stint of boot camp is exactly what he needs.
Have they ever considered tough love?

Leave him there.

Jim

 

[Meerkat]

Well she just called and he is in the car I just tkked ot both of them.He was in background listening in on bluetube or whatever tha is on speakr,
He smarted off to me and I told him he kid this ain't your mama. So he got on phone and apologized, he knows he told me no once when he was 11. I told him to take a shower like his mom had already done a few times. He said " I don't want ot" so told him to take the wire out of ear and get in shower.and him and his elctronics could go in too.
He took the shower.
He said he was changing and turning his life over to the Lord. Well like I told him all turn life over to God in prison till they get back out. He said he will be going to school,and no phone or web and will get up now that his days are straightened out.

I still think they made a big mistake.

 

[Morgan101]

Sounds like some serious tough love is called for. Not trying to be judgmental, but what they have done in the past doesn't seem to be working. They need to change course, and need an intervention from a unbiased third party. Sounds like military school is the best place for him. I would bet discipline is not in his vocabulary.

Leave him there.

 

[Meerkat]

And Mom is going to be on the biggest guilt trip he has ever put her on!

I agree. He got smart with me on phone just now,I think she told him to be quite,either way I ask him who the hell did he think he was talking to.
I never let hubby correct my kids but I didn't take any backtalk or BS either,I have been known to sock a couple of them in exstream situations. Teenagers are hard to deal with.

 

[backlash]

After a kid hits the teenage years it's very hard to turn them around to a better life.
There seem to be 2 things that will change a kid, one bad, and one good. Prison and the military and sometimes not even that.
A friend had a son that just went wild when he turned 14. Drugs, petty crime, no respect for anyone, or anything. He was arrested a few times. My friend would say he's a good kid but he runs with the wrong crowd. I would tell him the kid is the wrong crowd just like his friends. The kid's mom always gave in and never allowed any discipline.
He sent the kid to a rehab camp for almost a year. The kid did so well they made him a counselor to the younger kids. He finished the rehab, went home and 2 months later was right back where he started. Running with the same thugs, taking drugs, getting arrested and he got a girl pregnent.
It cost my friend over $60,000 for rehab and it was a total waste of time and money.
I know several people that went through essentially the same thing. A couple of the kids died from drugs and 1 went to prison for life. The horror stories they had made me so glad my kids and grandkids are grown and we never had trouble like some other people.

 

[Meerkat]

I would turn him over to the school she's paying for.
Tell them to get his hind in in gear , because "you ain't leaving here " at least till you prove your responsible for yourself.
No way so should they bring him home.
A good stint of boot camp is exactly what he needs.
Have they ever considered tough love?

Leave him there.

Jim

Theie idea of tough love is taking his phone for a few days. She tells him to get up he tells her to 'get out and leave him alone'. I ask her what would have happend to her if she ever told me that.She said
thing are different now they will take your kid away from you. Atlanta is a hell hole with gangs and no mater where you live its around. '

SIL has worked for past 20 years to build up business and now reaping rewards and don't want to leave. So its complicated to just pick up and leave very good income and reward for all his labor and stress builfing up biz.
I told them to head for the hills years ago,LOL
Our nation is being ruled by thugs and its spreading fast to toher areas because of stupid PCisms. I see dumb toons poving how tolerrant they are even infecting one of the last refuge for for Trump voteing kinds of people.Americans have some kind of idiot spell over them .

 

[Meerkat]

After a kid hits the teenage years it's very hard to turn them around to a better life.
There seem to be 2 things that will change a kid, one bad, and one good. Prison and the military and sometimes not even that.
A friend had a son that just went wild when he turned 14. Drugs, petty crime, no respect for anyone, or anything. He was arrested a few times. My friend would say he's a good kid but he runs with the wrong crowd. I would tell him the kid is the wrong crowd just like his friends. The kid's mom always gave in and never allowed any discipline.
He sent the kid to a rehab camp for almost a year. The kid did so well they made him a counselor to the younger kids. He finished the rehab, went home and 2 months later was right back where he started. Running with the same thugs, taking drugs, getting arrested and he got a girl pregnent.
It cost my friend over $60,000 for rehab and it was a total waste of time and money.
I know several people that went through essentially the same thing. A couple of the kids died from drugs and 1 went to prison for life. The horror stories they had made me so glad my kids and grandkids are grown and we never had trouble like some other people.

We have 13 grandkids all but this one is grown.He was a late life kid.

I just told him he is one the way to prison and his mom won't be able to get him out.And he is the perfect description of a " wife" for a big mean con. I said they will rape you front and back and you'll wish you had a little Acdemy bully pudhing youinstead. Which is probably a lie.He wanted out told her a bunch of lies and now he has his way.

 

[Meerkat]

He heard me tell her she never should of taken him out. So he smarted off in background,then realized he was showing his true colors so ask to speak to me and apologized. He is a real player.

 

[The Lazy L]

Advise? Parents need to grow a backbone!!!!

 

[Meerkat]

Seems she would have learned from seeing her sisters daughter get on drugs and now in prison till middle aged.Plus her own daughter lost her kids for druugs,But thank God so far she is doing great and has all her kids back after a year of treatment.
So almost had 2 out of 13 in prison.i think this one finally learned time will tell. But she is a different person now and hasn't had anything to do with 3 of her kids loser father who is also a mommas boy. She has good job and told loser if he comes around she will call cops.Why he isn't in jail is mystery. The other ones father gives her child support on time ,has great job, but wanted her to do ' other things' with other couples. So she left him years ago. Its a crazy world now and even worse in some states.
Its hard to leave home, good emplowment and family and just pack up and move but sometimes it is the best thing to do.

 

[Meerkat]

Advise? Parents need to grow a backbone!!!!

Thats what I told them too.Said he will call police on them,lol. what a crock! I told her them make it worth your time and money to bond out.Twll me you call the police on me! My own kid soon as you wakehe hell up maybe. Not one of my kids evrr seen a day in jail oraand all independant .I saw how rough the world could be so I raised them to survive it. Had problem when teens but they grew out of it.Of course this was over 50 years ago whn I was having kids.

 

[Meerkat]

If you care to comment would like your opnion @Sentry18 ,since I see your here now.

 

[Meerkat]

She is not answering phone now and I know they are still on the orad, so huess she doesn't want to talk to anyone who thinks she just made a bad mistake.

 

[Bacpacker]

My prayers are with them. But IMO she should take him right back minus the phone, tell him grow up and learn from his mistakes. Then talk to the head folks at the school and make sure they get it. He sounds very manipulative, and she falls for it. Time for him to grow up and make something of himself. Or he will be some cons little bitch. He won't like that

 

[Haertig]

It sounds to me like you have given good advice to your daughter. And probably given all the advice that you should, for now. Realize that your daughter will almost certainly choose sides with her son over her mother if a family fight breaks out. That is pretty much a given, so watch out for it. No good for your grandson, your daughter, or you will ever come from that.

It is sad to see things like this happen. Much of the time, not always, but much of the time things will work out in the end. And you will be proudly displaying your grandson in pictures here on the forum. Good kids are often trapped behind undesirable presentations during their teens and early 20's. Be warned though, there probably won't be a quick turn-around. The kids just have to make it through those damn teenager years. There is now much you, as a grandparent, can do to effect that. That doesn't mean stop trying, but understand that your odds of success are low. Be supportive but not enabling, wait it out, and hope the next ten years passes quickly. If this is his position now, at 15 years old, my prediction is 10 years for maturity to hit - not ultimate maturity yet, but tolerable maturity. Ultimate maturity sounds like it will strike around 29 years old based on your comments thus far.

[edit]p.s. - I see you have written that your daughter is not answering her phone now, you posted that as I was typing my reply above. Note my comment about "choosing sides" in the above paragraph. You may be seeing the first signs of that with the phone non-answer. Remember, your goal is not to win, it's to survive the next few years with your family intact.[/edit]

 

[Patchouli]

Sorry, just now getting in on the rap.
His butt would stay there at the academy. No contact for a month.
I agree, they tear them down because the point the kid is at is what got his sorry butt there in the first place. Rebuild.
I knew a woman who sent her son to one. He wasn't a bad kid. Those who were supposed to be raising him were the screwups (his grandparents). So it got him away from them.
Can't she take him back to the academy? Let go! She needs to let go and allow them to do what they're supposed to do.
No more phones.

 

[Meerkat]

My prayers are with them. But IMO she should take him right back minus the phone, tell him grow up and learn from his mistakes. Then talk to the head folks at the school and make sure they get it. He sounds very manipulative, and she falls for it. Time for him to grow up and make something of himself. Or he will be some cons little bitch. He won't like that

BacP that is what I told him that he is on the way to prison and nobody cn get him out.
I even gotreal with him on the cons bitch too. But teens think that only happens to others not them,till it happens. I'm very upset and know I can't do anythingabout it.