Jokes and Humor

[Woody]

These California emission standards are great! Drove around all day and half-a-quart topped it right off!
http://forum.homestead.org/attachments/daily-afternoon-randomness-in-hq-43-photos-10-jpg.1977/

Tried to copy the photo of the man putting in gas under the hood... Disn't work out so well...

 

[buildit]

 

[Curmudgeon]

How to wash a toilet,

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards
the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may
need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.. Never mind the noises that
come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people
between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run
outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Yours Sincerely,
The Dog

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Weedygarden]

I am not the one to be terrified of spiders, but I know many people who will climb up on furniture to escape them. Not me. I will step on them, swat them, or spray them. I guess this is what happens when you spend time in places where you might find rattlesnakes on your doorstep (crawled their themselves).

 

[buildit]

I am not the one to be terrified of spiders, but I know many people who will climb up on furniture to escape them. Not me. I will step on them, swat them, or spray them. I guess this is what happens when you spend time in places where you might find rattlesnakes on your doorstep (crawled their themselves).

Yeah, that was more for some of the females I know. :thumbs up: I enjoy herpetology, zoology and biology too much to be bothered with knee jerk reactions like that.

 

[buildit]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Fort]

Yeah, that was more for some of the females I know. :thumbs up: I enjoy herpetology, zoology and biology too much to be bothered with knee jerk reactions like that.

Hey I am getting better with dealing with critters!!

 

[Sentry18]

Anyone who has worked in public service will understand this.

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Geezer]

 

[Geezer]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Double R]

View attachment 2153

This is awesome!

 

[Geezer]

 

[four4d4]

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[Sentry18]

 

[phideaux]

GETTING OLDER ....

AS I GET OLDER, I REALIZE:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop ****ing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes
smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

And remember..... Youth is a gift of nature. Age is a work of art.

(If I've sent this before reread #5.)


Jim

 

[phideaux]

Never knew the difference....


You can determine the difference between an alligator, and a crocodile, by closely observing whether the animal in question,
sees you later or after while.

Jim

 

[CrackbottomLouis]

 

[robin416]

View attachment 2153

That one strikes a bit close to home with hub's issues but it fits. I might have to print that out and put it on the fridge.

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Meerkat]

View attachment 1555

Red Green must have been driving that truck.

 

[Bubba2001]

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a terrible phobia. “Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible fear that there is something underneath. “Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” “OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?” “Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well worth it.” When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist he gave the lady a call. “How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” “Well” responded the lady “when I came home and told my husband about the cost he thought he would save some money, he just cut the legs off the bed!”

 

[Reggaemylitis]

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

Read closely.