Jokes and Humor

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[dademoss]

 

[backlash]

View attachment 39034

I have to send this one to my cousin's husband. He has 1900 acres of hops.

 

[Caribou]

I have to send this one to my cousin's husband. He has 1900 acres of hops.

What a wonderful cousin to have.

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[WVDragonlady]

View attachment 39047

I have one just like the one on the right on a shelf just below my desk

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[dademoss]

Jim

That is why I don't have a hammock

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[zannej]

LOL. I forgot I wasn't wearing pants and answered the door for FedEx. Fortunately, I had a long jacket on so he didn't notice.

 

[Amish Heart]

Husband just said yesterday that a hammock would be nice. I laughed my head off.

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Caribou]

SENIOR ROMANCE .. An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" _____________________________________ DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE.. 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" An elderly gentleman ( trying to be funny ) in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough." _____________________________________ OLD FRIENDS .. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" _____________________________________ SENIOR DRIVING .. As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M5 ... Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________ SUPERSEX .. A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup." _____________________________________ DRIVING .. Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?" _____________________________________ Please !!!, tell me this won't happen to us !!!​

 

[zoomzoom]

Pastor at a local church was an avid golfer. The weather had been terrible for a month, rain, lightning, high winds. He sees on the latest weather report that on Sunday, the weather will be beautiful. He knows he should be at church to lead his flock but cannot help himself, so he calls his assistant Pastor on Saturday night and tells him that he has become very ill and will not be able to lead the service the next morning.

Sunday morning he leaves very early and drives to a golf course so far from his town that no one from his parish will ever know he was there.

First tee, par 5 he crushes a good drive straight down the fairway. Just as the ball takes it's first bounce a big blast of wind comes up and carries the ball - three big bounces later the ball is on the green and rolls into the cup - a hole in one Double Eagle!

Saint Peter looks over at God and asks "Why did You do that - you just gave him the best thing that can happen while golfing?"

God smiles and chuckles, "Yes, but think about it. Who is he going to tell?"

 

[zoomzoom]

OK, this has been around for a few years but it's still one of the funniest things out there.

 

[Sentry18]

Just a reminder that we have a separate thread for memes, jokes, and humor related to COVID-19.

You can find that thread here:

https://www.homesteadingforum.org/threads/covid-19-finding-humor-in-dark-corners.8976/page-21