Jokes and Humor

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Ollie, Lena and Sven are out riding 3 up on Ollie's snowmobile, when suddenly it dies.
Sven works frantically trying to get the machine running as nightfall begins to set in.
Ollie and Lena are trying to keep warm by walking around, when Ollie surprisingly kicking around in the snow, uncovers a can of beer.

Ollie picks up the can of Hamm's, and cracks it open. The can goes whoosh!, and out pops a beer can Genie.
The three stare in amazement, as the Genie thanks Ollie for freeing him.
The Genie says, for your reward for setting me free, you may all have one wish. He turns to Ollie and asks, Ollie, what would you like?

Ollie says back, I'd just like to be home, sitting in front of the fire with a nice bowl of soup.
POOF! Ollie disappears.

The Genie turns to Lena and asks, Lena, what would you like?
Lena replies, Oh, I'd just like to be home with Ollie.
POOF! Lena disappears.

The Genie looks at Sven and asks, Sven, What would you like?

Sven says, I don't know. I'm so cold and lonely, I just wish Ollie and Lena were here.

 

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Sven and Ollie are sitting in the two seater outhouse.
Just as Sven stands up, two quarters fall out of his pocket and down the hole.

Ollie asks Sven, Sven, what was that?
Sven says, dog gone it Ollie, two quarters just fell out of my pocket and into the hole!

Ollie says to Sven, that's a real shame there Sven, what are you gonna do?
Just then Sven takes off his watch and throws it down the hole.
In horror Ollie watches as Sven reaches into his back pocket and then throws his wallet and keys down too.

Ollie screams, Sven!!! What the hell are you doing!!!????

Sven shouts back, well you don't think I'm going down there just for 50 cents do ya???

 

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A plane has five passengers on board: The Pope, Dr. Anthony Fauci, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton (or insert Nancy Pelosi here), and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there are only four parachutes. Dr. Fauci said, “I need one, I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis of COVID-19!” He straps on a parachute and jumps. The Pope said, “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through this global health crises!” He takes one and jumps. Hillary said, “I need one, I’m the smartest woman in the United States.” She takes one and jumps. President Trump pauses for a moment and then turns to the 10 year old. After a deep sigh, he says tenderly, “you can have the last parachute, I’ve lived my life, yours is only starting.” The child replies, “don’t worry, there are two parachutes left. The smartest woman in the United States took my school backpack!”

 

[Sparky_D]

 

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[Sentry18]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[kd4ulw]

 

[Sparky_D]

Lord I miss this show...


RIP Tim Conway.

 

[phideaux]

Truth..

Jim

 

[phideaux]

me for sure...

Jim

 

[Sentry18]

 

[dademoss]

Lord I miss this show...


RIP Tim Conway.

Carol Burnett show is on every night at 11 pm on MeTV here.

 

[LadyLocust]

My dad was Zor

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me for sure...

Jim

o 3 or 4 times for Halloween when he was little. You could wear a mask AND a cape and be reeeally cool

 

[zannej]

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Looks like the cartoonist peeked in my house. LOL! Sooo many old AC adapters... No idea WTHeck they go with.

 

[dademoss]

 

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As states open back up, it's time to go boating!

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Meerkat]

I went to a coworker's house and she had 7 of the biggest black German Shepards I have ever seen. All were wearing muzzles. After I parked they all ran over to my truck and as I got out I saw 2 had slipped off their muzzles. I thought I was in big trouble but she said "down" and all 7 laid down and stayed there. She knew her stuff when it came to training dogs. I wanted a pup but they were very expensive because she trained them for search and rescue.

Amazing what some can do with dogs. we saw a huge beautiful german shepard on our dirt road,she was actually hitch hiking. running around our van to get in so we picked her up to find her homeNo way an we feed that size dog or pay for vet for another animal .So we went around n-hood looking for her master.First we came home and she acted like she lived here.I called her Gypsey. She smelled bad so hubby bathed her 'twice'.He said she looked at him like 'what do you think your doing'.
Long story shorter, we found her home and they said her name was Ellie and scolded her told her to get inside.When we told her we gave her a bath,they looked at each other and one said they gave her a bath.She was a beauty and as gentile to us as a kitten but did have hair stand up on back when our dogs barked who were dwarfed by her in size.She was a young under 6 I'd say. I had a ghost face german shepard when I first got married at 17,very smart dogs.I've never bought a dog. She was a gift.

 

[Meerkat]

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You mean there are two of em?

 

[dademoss]

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[Sentry18]

 

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[phideaux]

KY, I'm sure...

Jim

 

[GrannyG]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.
Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.
SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.
AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.
HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?