Jokes and Humor

[Meerkat]

Trump looking delicious.

 

[zoomzoom]

So long as my steak stays pink instead of turning orange, I'm all in.

 

[Supervisor42]

When I was in college (to become a teacher) we were told not to say this in class. It is not an English rule. In English it is about 50% accurate

So, did you receive your diploma?
I would think it would be inconceivable if you didn't.
Demonstrating incredible sleight of the pen should have given you much height above your peers.
Hopefully you didn't get stuck just moving freight in the early eighties.
That would be an incredible weight for your resume to bear.

 

[kd4ulw]

 

[LadyLocust]

So, did you receive your diploma?
I would think it would be inconceivable if you didn't.
Demonstrating incredible sleight of the pen should have given you much height above your peers.
Hopefully you didn't get stuck just moving freight in the early eighties.
That would be an incredible weight for your resume to bear.

Yup, couple o' 'em (That thar is properish.)

 

[Meerkat]

My eyes hurt after looking at the picture of ol Nancy
Stop doing that

@Amish Heart do you remember this one? Pelosi's daughter?

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Amish Heart]

Bleech, Meer. That was bad. I was waiting for her to say, "I'm melting".

 

[Meerkat]

Bleech, Meer. That was bad. I was waiting for her to say, "I'm melting".

LOL. I know she is a real piece of work,lol.

 

[Mr.Meer]

 

[Mr.Meer]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[dademoss]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[joel]

Quite a builder too.

 

[zannej]

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My friend's ex just swears at the kids & tells them to shut the f* up. The swear, she swears at them. They cry & she swears at them. They want lunch or something to drink, she swears at them. They don't want to eat their food, she tells them to eat it & shut the f* up & if they don't eat it, she eats it. The kids aren't old enough for phones & don't have bikes though.

LOL. It's about the opposite w/ me & a male friend. He takes awhile to get ready. I roll out of bed, put on deodorant & pants, & I'm ready to go. My friend has to fix his hair & use his vape. But I will end up staying over playing with kittens at his house when I should be heading home. LOL.

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They make foam covers for the hitch that are amazing. I had one on my old vehicle & it saved my shins.

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My brother once ate a bunch of eggs & beans before going on a plane. He got put in the center of the middle section. It was 5 seats wide & he was smack in the middle with 3 aisles in front & 3 aisles in back. He cleared out the entire section. People got up & were hovering around the bathroom & standing at the front & back of the plane to get away from him.

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Jim

I know whenever I dream about toilets, it's time to get up. LOL.

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LOL! My dad used to deal with kids who would run across the border for fun when he was in border patrol. Kids were usually pretty good-natured & would chat with him in Spanish. He never bothered them, but wanted to make sure they were not going to be harmed by anyone. Usually they were kids who lived near the border who liked to play games like stepping across the border for fun-- "I'm in America! I'm in Mexico!" over & over.

He may not be in as good shape now, but he's still pretty tough. Some dude dropkicked him in the back & he barely moved. He thought someone had just bumped into him accidentally. I wish I'd gotten in on that thing to win the prize of getting to go in a tank with him & bust stuff up. That would have been fun. He did it as some sort of charity fundraiser.

 

[Mr.Meer]

 

[Mr.Meer]

 

[Amish Heart]

Zannej….your friend's ex shouldn't be treating children like that. Sounds like your friend should be raising them. What a terrible human being. I hate to hear about kids being abused.

 

[Peanut]

I’ve never cleared a plane but I made a whole bunch of passengers laugh one night.

Takeoff was delayed… interior lights go on… then off… then on… then off… over and over again. After about a half hour I see a guy in coveralls talking to the pilots… A big patch on his back read “Flight Mechanic”. He had a clipboard… about that time the pilot announced “Sorry for the delay, it’s just a matter of paperwork then we’ll take off”

We were still climbing slowly, at least 25K ft up, when every interior light in the plane went out! Then came on a few seconds later. It did this several times.

I could’ve heard a pin drop on the plane… not a sound from anyone, even breathing. Tension was so thick it was palpable, could have cut it with a knife.

The lights went off again… this time they stayed off… 10 seconds, 12 seconds… people were holding their breath…

At that moment I said very loudly into the darkness… “Thank God it was only a matter of paperwork!”

I could hear people a dozen rows up and behind laughing out loud! The perfect tension breaker… When the lights did come back on 2 people I didn’t know bought me a drink! Even my stewardess said “that was funny!” when she brought them to me… she didn’t have to ask who said it… everyone close was grinning and pointing at me!

Like I needed two more drinks, they had been serving during the long delay before takeoff.

 

[zannej]

Zannej….your friend's ex shouldn't be treating children like that. Sounds like your friend should be raising them. What a terrible human being. I hate to hear about kids being abused.

I totally agree. Unfortunately, the courts wouldn't even let my friend speak & won't even look at the paperwork he filed to get custody.

Back to jokes:

Peanut, I'm not sure why, but the darkness part reminded me of the time I went to SDCC (back in the early to mid 1990s) & they had a panel for Space Ghost Coast to Coast. They turned off the lights to show us a video but the video didn't come on right away, so it's pitch black & someone shrieked "The eye! Give me back the eye!!!" (Reference to the blind witches in the original Clash of the Titans movie). We were roaring with laughter before the movie came on. Bonus points: My mom offended the writers because she didn't know they were sitting directly behind her & they showed us a clip of Birdman (voiced by Stephen Colbert) & she commented that the Birdman skit was funnier than the Space Ghost one & they needed to fire the writers for that clip we'd watched.
Which reminds me of the time we were touring a federal prison that had just been built (before they moved in inmates). We saw they had big glass windows and outside they had baseball sized & larger rocks for decoration. My mom said "What flaming moron designed it to have rocks right outside of windows where the inmates will have access?" There was a slight cough behind her-- it was from the flaming moron who designed it. I was still a child at the time, but I agreed with her loudly and carried on about how only a complete idiot would give inmates weapons that could smash the glass. My father just kept quite and smirked. He told us later that the guy who coughed was the designer.

 

[Cnsper]

I was on a flight coming into Nashville, it was very rough turbulence on descent and the little girl about 10 or 12 across the aisle from me was scared to death. I leaned over and asked her 'Do you think they should put this ride at Disney World?'

She laughed and relaxed some. Mother mouthed thank you over her head.

 

[Peanut]

I was on a flight coming into Nashville,

Funny, my flight with the problem was from Dallas to Denver, 2nd leg. I lived in TN, my boss sent me to Denver to repair a catscan.

The first flight was from Nashville to Dallas... the drunk flight. I had about 2 hours notice to get to Nashville and catch a plane. My seat was in the very back... surrounded by Tracy Byrd's road band (country singer). He did the "10 rounds of Jose Cuervo" song.

They were playing a show in Dallas the next night. That night they were drunk and raising cain on the plane... and buying drinks! I definitely didn't need those drinks on the flight to Denver.

Come to think of it they gave me a pass for the Dallas show. I didn't make it back in time... Think I worked in Denver 3 days.

 

[Mr.Meer]

 

[Mr.Meer]

 

[dademoss]

 

[phideaux]

Jim