Jokes and Humor

zoomzoom · Jul 14, 2020

zoomzoom · Jul 14, 2020

Sparky_D · Jul 14, 2020

zoomzoom said:

Many years ago, I worked for a company that decided it was a good idea for the employees to write out their job descriptions so they could reorganize the pay structure by "levels of technical sufficiency" or some other corporate lingo.

At the bottom of the list, everyone in my shop had:

Environmental Waste Disposal Technician:
Properly collect all environmental waste products in accordance with local codes, rules, and standards using approved PPE.
Properly dispose of said waste in approved waste containers for collection.

Actual job? Sweep the floors...

angie_nrs · Jul 14, 2020

angie_nrs · Jul 14, 2020

phideaux · Jul 14, 2020

I'd love to do this..

Jim

Meerkat · Jul 14, 2020

joel said:
You reap what you sing!

Not always.

Sparky_D · Jul 14, 2020

phideaux · Jul 14, 2020

Jim

phideaux · Jul 14, 2020

Jim

angie_nrs · Jul 14, 2020

Caribou · Jul 15, 2020

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad.

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name wasSHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.

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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and

may nothing but happiness come through your door.

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