- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
- Start date
Help Support Homesteading & Country Living Forum:
I wish this wasn't true. I've seen them come up to boats with someone manning a .30 cal machine gun on a deck mount. That is standard practice back home.
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2017
- Messages
- 23,011
A few years ago I received an email from NAEYC inviting me to their convention in Vegas (Early Childhood group). They were promoting their conference that was happening on Valentines Day weekend. They also said to be sure and come see the grand opening of Fifty Shades there. I wrote them back a scathing email. Totally inappropriate. At the time, they were responsible for most day care centers national accreditation.
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
One of my local gun shops put "Thanks for the business Ed Stack! All AR-15's on sale!" on their sign this weekend. He is the CEO of Dick's Sporting Goods.
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
Reminds me of the time my ex's face caught on fire, and I tried swatting it out with a leaf rake.
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2017
- Messages
- 3,591
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2017
- Messages
- 3,591
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2017
- Messages
- 3,591
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2017
- Messages
- 20,997
WE ARE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience:
- Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
- Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
- Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
- Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
- All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.
- Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air.
Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce: In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tu bes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.
Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA
If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience:
- Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.
- Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad; 16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.
- Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
- Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.
- All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.
- Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air.
Okay den, listen up; I'm only gonna say dis vonce: In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn't bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tu bes--you're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes.
Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it.
Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say 'trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do?
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head.
We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style wit da coffeepot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am NOT kiddin!
Right now I'll say Grace: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dulut or pretty close.
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
- Joined
- Dec 4, 2017
- Messages
- 8,025
A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours ... Power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition..... Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
