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From the book BEHOLD A PALE HORSE, written in 1991.
I read it in 1999. I still have my copy.
Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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From the book BEHOLD A PALE HORSE, written in 1991.
I read it in 1999. I still have my copy.
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old?
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man, with the deeply lined face, was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes”, he said. “I am a Mustang” he gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered “in 1967. Why do you ask?” “You were in my class”, I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, then this ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked me.......... “What did you teach?”
My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS Diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my school class some 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?
Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man, with the deeply lined face, was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. “Yes”, he said. “I am a Mustang” he gleamed with pride. “When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered “in 1967. Why do you ask?” “You were in my class”, I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, then this ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat-assed, gray-haired, decrepit, son-of-a-bitch asked me.......... “What did you teach?”
I want to pull the wheels off and play with them! Wait, is that a real car? Can't be.....
I have to send that one to my husband. He's gonna laugh his butt off!!So, when Sentry18 goes out on a call, this is what happens at his desk. The cleaning crew.
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Norwegian baby food
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So Chevy hunters are road hunting and Ford hunters actually get out of their trucks to hunt?
95% of all Ford trucks are still on the road. The other 5% managed to make it home.
Last edited:
https://www.cnn.com/2018/02/27/opin...ctation-depression-opinion-simmons/index.html
Well, those teenage girls do have someone to admire. These two seem to have "cut loose" from those regressive standards pretty well:
Well, those teenage girls do have someone to admire. These two seem to have "cut loose" from those regressive standards pretty well:
Ford did have some that would burn like that.
I sincerely hope I am not offending anyone with this, however I did find it hilarious!
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official -
'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued
'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?' ]
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied -
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled –
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’
Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white U.S. government official -
'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued
'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?' ]
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied -
'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.' Then the chief leaned back and smiled –
'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’
A truck and a smokehouse, I love stuff that will do double duty.
For all you military - active and retired - thanks for your service! Threats like this are what we depend on you for:
=-=-=-=-
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)-upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations, or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations.
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Sling leg breaks in flight while sling loading anti-snake equipment, pilot cuts sling load. Sling load lands on snake and kills it. Crew chief uses dead snake to replace broken sling leg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, can’t do it because snake is on the endangered species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks into chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
=-=-=-=-
The Differential Theory of US Armed Forces (Snake Model)-upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations, or A Diversified Approach to Military Operations.
Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicures.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (i.e. cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel voucher upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5-series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter-mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALs kill Muslim extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.
Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder.)
Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.
F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, and misses target due to weather.
AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, snakes don't show well on infra-red.
UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake starts bonfire to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into the fire.
B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.
Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.
CH-47 Pilot: Sling leg breaks in flight while sling loading anti-snake equipment, pilot cuts sling load. Sling load lands on snake and kills it. Crew chief uses dead snake to replace broken sling leg.
Navy Pilot: Draped snake around neck at Tail Hook to pick up chicks.
Military Police: Gave snake a sobriety test for not moving in a straight line.
Signal: Broadcasts 200,000+ watt transmissions in support of anti-snake missions, accidentally electrocuted snake in the process.
Corps of Engineers: Surveyed and researched area for plans on improving flood plain, can’t do it because snake is on the endangered species list.
Cooks: Snake sneaks into chow hall. Snake dies of food poisoning.
My GKs,
Jim
Anyone else tried these ?????
Jim
Jim
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Somewhat cold but I like it.
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