Jokes and Humor

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[Sparky_D]

 

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Every week day grandma would get on the van to the Senior Citizens Center. To show her appreciation she would hand the driver a zip lock bag of peanuts. The driver, at first appreciated them, but eventually grew tired of them. One day he told her that there was no need to be so generous. "Oh, that's ok", she replied, " They would just go waste. I don't have any teeth and can only suck the chocolate off of them."

 

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A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
'Are you the manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replies.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she says, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathes the barman, clearly aroused. 'Is there anything I can do?'
‘Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,' she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them. 'Tell him,' she says, 'that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies' bathroom.'

 

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Two men are sitting at a bar. One says to the other, "You look familiar ".

The second says. "You do too".

The first asks, "Were are you from?"

The second answers, "Akron"

The first responds, "Really, I am too!"

So, the second man asks, "Where did you go to school? "

The first responds " St Marys"

The second is dumbfounded, " That is amazing, I went there too! What street did you live on?

The first answers "Oak"

The second acknowledges he lived on the same street. The two are laughing ang hugging one another when a 3rd man walks in.

The third man asks the bartender how things are going.

The bartender responds, " It is going to be a long night. The Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay"?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and,after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."

 

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It looks like a double head 16 penny nail but it's not so we can be friends.

 

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