Jokes and Humor

[zoomzoom]

 

[Caribou]

Three Newfie’s were working at the top of a phone tower:

As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, John says,

'Well, ****, someone's gotta go and tell Jim's wife.

Joe says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

John says, 'Where'd you get the beer, Joe?'


'Jim’s wife gave it to me,' Joe replies.


'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead
and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Joe says. 'When she answered the door,
I said to her, "you must be Jim’s widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

Newfies are good at that sensitive stuff.

 

[tiffanysgallery]

A man ordered a number 129 from the menu at a restaurant and the waitress said, "Sir, that's the price." The man then paused and said, "I'll have a number 9 and my wife and i will split it."

 

[Sentry18]

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[joel]

 

[Sentry18]

I believe this is the last legal California assault rifle.

 

[Cnsper]

I believe this is the last legal California assault rifle.

View attachment 6268

Nope, too many rounds.

 

[Caribou]

I believe this is the last legal California assault rifle.

View attachment 6268

Nope, it has a pistol grip.

 

[Amish Heart]

Nope. That scope is black. It is scary.
Try a wooden rubber band gun.

 

[Sentry18]

Is this better?

 

[Amish Heart]

That alien green glow may send some to their "safe space". Don't know if that would fly, either.
Or it could be accepted as some kind of light saber. But then it would be too kid friendly.
There still is a black piece on top.
How about in "Barney purple?" "Tele Tubbie Rainbow?"

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Caribou]

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73. I'm so happy, because I live at
number 71, so it's not too far to walk home afterwards. And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have
to cross the road!

~~~~~


Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making
some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the
changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.

~~~~~

I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: "With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before you expire.

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Terri9630]

View attachment 6389

Buy a smaller bed next time and there won't be any wasted space.

 

[Sentry18]

Buy a smaller bed next time and there won't be any wasted space.

Yeah, in my life when I go to bed my wife is way over on her edge. I have all the room in the world. But when I wake up my arm is sleep, I am seriously overheated, I have a leg and an arm on top of me, and I get to lay there trying not to as I try to fall back asleep.

 

[backlash]

You're lucky.
In our bed the wife has her half, the dogs have 3/4th of my side and I get what is left over.

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Sentry18]

You're lucky.
In our bed the wife has her half, the dogs have 3/4th of my side and I get what is left over.

Yikes! Our bedroom is a 100% no-pet and no-child zone. My wife is adamant that our 'marital space' is ours and ours alone.

 

[BBQJoe]

My two kids (Jack Russels) play king of the bed at sleeping time.
The first one on the bed "owns" it. The other must beg and plead to be allowed on.

If one jumps off for a drink, or to make a pitstop outside, the game resets.
Often I am awoken, and have to put the loser on the bed, and keep them from eating each other 'til everyone gets back to sleep.

I used to be a no dogs on the bed person, decided life was too short, and let them up once.
There's no do over on that.

 

[zoomzoom]

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Tucumcari, New Mexico.. for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber says “ no problem ,just bring it back like everyone else does . “

 

[Sentry18]

My two kids (Jack Russels) play king of the bed at sleeping time.
The first one on the bed "owns" it. The other must beg and plead to be allowed on.

If one jumps off for a drink, or to make a pitstop outside, the game resets.
Often I am awoken, and have to put the loser on the bed, and keep them from eating each other 'til everyone gets back to sleep.

I used to be a no dogs on the bed person, decided life was too short, and let them up once.
There's no do over on that.

Our dogs are working dogs and they are a very dominant breed of Rottweiler, ranging from 81-93lbs. If you let them on the bed, or eat when you eat, or climb on the furniture, etc. they forget their place in the chain of command and obedience becomes lacking. Their job is internal security and child protective services. That does not happen if they are snuggled up on a Tempurpedic bed, it happens when they conduct night patrols of the home and quickly respond to noises or other alerts. They sleep all day when the house is empty on memory foam beds of their own, which were all made by my wife.

 

[Patchouli]

There's an advertisement on our forum today for soylent.



Anyone remember the movie Soylent Green with Charlton Heston?
I'm not feeling the need to buy that. Maybe they should consider renaming the product!

 

[The Lazy L]

...they forget their place in the chain of command and obedience becomes lacking. ...

Works the same when raising children too.

 

[The Lazy L]

Works the same when raising children too.

Youngest Son was about 4 years old. Church was over and I ask him to put his coat on because we would be going home.

"NO!" was his defiant reply.

So I told him to put his coat.

"NO!" again a defiant reply.

I picked him by his shirt to bring him up to my eye level. Pinned his back up against the wall as I brought my face within inches of his. With a soft voice I told him that he doesn't NOT talk to his dad in that tone of voice and to get his coat on or he will wish he had. I gently set his feet back on the floor and released my grip. He put his coat on. Nip in the bud before it becomes routine!

Wife loves cats. OK but no cats in the house! Agreed? Wife agreed. A few years later one of the outdoor cats got sick and the wife took it to the Vet. Wife explained since it was winter the Vet recommended the cat stay inside were it was warm until it was better. OK i agreed. A few years later that same cat cat walked pass me while I was sitting in the recliner reading. Too late I remembered the "inside only until it was better" agreement. Now I'm stuck with cat hair stuck to future, chairs and clothing. Wearing slippers at night so I don't step into a wet hair ball. I should have remembered to nip in the bud before it became routine!

 

[VenomJockey]

 

[joel]

Rum or Moonshine.

 

[Terri9630]

Our dogs don't sleep on my bed but occasionally will sleep right outside my door waiting to trip me in the dark.