Jokes and Humor
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Jim
Jim
Yay, good to have you back
" The neighbors have been complaining that my dog had been barking. I hate the electric zapping bark collars, so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently, they don't like it.
This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So, I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did... I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the damn dog is barking. So, between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes, I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was OK, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!"
[This is not a personal experience - because I don't have a dog.]
This morning I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to “how” the collars actually work.
So, I'm standing by my back door "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did... I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue squirting bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity. I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the damn dog is barking. So, between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes, I threw that inhumane thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me, "I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn't make it." So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was OK, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't smell like ode de' Tiki Torch.
Lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off.
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation.
On the plus side, I won't have a mosquito problem for a few days!"
[This is not a personal experience - because I don't have a dog.]
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One of the nuns in the hospital asked a man if he had health insurance.
"No," he replied.
"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.
"No.”
The nun asked, "How about relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun snapped, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
"No," he replied.
"Can you pay in cash?" asked the nun.
"No.”
The nun asked, "How about relatives you could ask for help?"
The man replied, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun snapped, "Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
"OK then," said the man. "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Now that was funny!!! I started laughing at the words "become curious"... I knew it wasn't going to end well...
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Has anyone seen that commercial where that weird woman’s head sings with the driver? It freaks me out. The woman’s head looks like it’s melting in the wind. I have to look away.
I thought those bears us Charmin toilet paper.
I showcased it in this post.
I couldn't believe black people were not outraged when you listen to the words she is singing to the guy.
..."You've got the brawn, I've got the brain, let's make lots of (money)!"
That is too funny
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It is an old song by "Petshop Boys" called "Opportunities".
UGH!!!!!!Has anyone seen that commercial where that weird woman’s head sings with the driver? It freaks me out. The woman’s head looks like it’s melting in the wind. I have to look away.
I thought those bears us Charmin toilet paper.
I got that stupid song stuck in my head a week or two back. Drove me nuts. When it comes on I can't get to the remote quick enough.
