- Joined
- Dec 8, 2017
- Messages
- 11,729
My dad did not drink a lot of beer, but he liked his coffee black, hot & sweet.
He worked with his hands.
He worked with his hands.
Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
- Start date
Help Support Homesteading & Country Living Forum:
Retirement entertainment....
Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on,
point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
Jim
Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on,
point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
Jim
- Joined
- Dec 3, 2017
- Messages
- 23,020
Ha Ha Good one
Definition of a Co-Pilot -
Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crew members. She asked the first what he did, and he explained
that he was the Navigator, and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to the 2nd one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer, and his job
was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.
She turned to the 3rd one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain, he was responsible for
everything in the aircraft, and to fly the plane and direct everyone in it.
She then turned to the 4th one and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?”
He replied "Ma'am, I am the First Officer, my job is the Captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that ?”
"Very simple ma'am. The Captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f****** advice, he'll ask me."
Many years ago on a long Trans-Continental flight, an elderly lady asked if she could visit the cockpit.
When she got up there, she found four crew members. She asked the first what he did, and he explained
that he was the Navigator, and his responsibilities were to keep the aircraft on its track across the earth.
She turned to the 2nd one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the Flight Engineer, and his job
was to monitor and troubleshoot any aircraft or engine system problems to keep the aircraft operating smoothly.
She turned to the 3rd one and asked what he did. He explained that as the Captain, he was responsible for
everything in the aircraft, and to fly the plane and direct everyone in it.
She then turned to the 4th one and asked, "Well young man, what is your job?”
He replied "Ma'am, I am the First Officer, my job is the Captain's sexual advisor."
Somewhat shocked, she said, "I beg your pardon young man, but what do you mean by that ?”
"Very simple ma'am. The Captain has told me on a number of occasions that when he wants my f****** advice, he'll ask me."
Jim
This is a 4 dimensional object projected into a 3 dimensional space
Looks like an optical delusion to me.
Jim
Jim
Jim
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2017
- Messages
- 1,974
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2017
- Messages
- 1,974
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2017
- Messages
- 1,974
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