Jokes and Humor

[Caribou]

An American 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 500 mph and 33,000 feet, when an F-16 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.

The cocky F-16 pilot decided to show off. On his state-of-the art radio, that is part of his state-of-the art 3D, million dollar headset, the F-16 youngster said to the 777 pilot, "Hey Captain, watch this!"

He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a heart-pounding, vertical climb. He then finished with a sonic boom, breaking the sound barrier, as the F-16 screamed down at impossible G's, before leveling out at almost sea level.

The F-16 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that ?

The 777 pilot said, "That was truly impressive, but watch this!"

The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at a steady 500 mph, when the 777 pilot came back on and said, "What did you think of that ?"

Puzzled, the cocky F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do ?"

The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll, and secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five-star hotel paid for by the company."

Moral (Is there one...?):


When you're young, speed and flash may seem like a good thing. When you get older and wiser, comfort and dullness don't seem so bad.

 

[threetango]

Dark side.

 

[threetango]

 

[SHOOTER13]

WV Uber still has me laughin'...

.

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[SHOOTER13]

^^ Yea...but she is only 27 ^^

.

 

[threetango]

 

[Caribou]

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________ _



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________ ______



ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______



ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ ___



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ ________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
______________________________ ___________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_____________________________ _ ___________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITTNESS: Are you for real !!!
______________________________ ___________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ___________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ___________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ _________



ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ___________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Caribou]

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY!

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina


A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive
cigars, then insured them against, among other things,
fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

ONLY IN THE USA

NO WONDER THE REST OF THE WORLD THINKS WE'RE NUTS.

 

[Caribou]

When Love Fades
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV.
When I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen ask...
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken Beef or Lamb?"
I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken."
She replied , "You're having soup, *******. I was talking to the dog."

 

[Caribou]

Not really humor but I wanted to put this somewhere.

-----
Why Did Mr. Rogers Wear A Sweater?
Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 at age 76, which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 6/27/27)
His death reminded me of the following story.
Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4-star generals at Arlington National Cemetery . His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else.
Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys?
Well, following is the amazing answer:
I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.

In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima . There is only one higher Naval award. the Medal Of Honor!

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.
Dialog from "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson":
His guest was Lee Marvin...

Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ..
and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."
"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting shot hauling you down. But, Johnny, at Iwo , I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison.
That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach..
Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life.
That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, "Where'd they get you Lee?" "Well Bob....
if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!"

Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew. The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."

On another note, there was this wimpy little man on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth.
But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.

After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore, a pacifist Vowing to never harm another human, he also dedicated the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did. They quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy. Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst. Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened.

Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement, they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr. Rogers.

Send this on, will you please?
Nothing will happen to you if you don't, but if you do, you will be awakening others to what makes a HERO.

 

[snappy1]

https://www.facebook.com/240501555969974/photos/a.578983042121822/1944572122229567/?type=3

Don't know how to make the link show but I love it!

 

[tiffanysgallery]

 

[tiffanysgallery]

Wonder if Cats really think this way...

 

[backlash]

Sorry Caribou but both are urban legends.

Mr. Rogers was not a Navy SEAL.
https://navyseals.com/ns-overview/notable-seals/mr-rogers-navy-seal/

Lee Marvin and Captain Kangaroo never served together.
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/false-captain-kangaroo-court/

 

[Caribou]

Sorry Caribou but both are urban legends.

Mr. Rogers was not a Navy SEAL.
https://navyseals.com/ns-overview/notable-seals/mr-rogers-navy-seal/

Lee Marvin and Captain Kangaroo never served together.
https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/false-captain-kangaroo-court/

Snopes? Really?

 

[threetango]

 

[VoorTrekker]

Not really humor but I wanted to put this somewhere.

-----
Why Did Mr. Rogers Wear A Sweater?
Captain Kangaroo passed away on January 23, 2004 at age 76, which is odd, because he always looked to be 76. (DOB: 6/27/27)
His death reminded me of the following story.
Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4-star generals at Arlington National Cemetery . His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else.
Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys?
Well, following is the amazing answer:
I always liked Lee Marvin, but didn't know the extent of his Corps experiences.

In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima . There is only one higher Naval award. the Medal Of Honor!

If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery.
Dialog from "The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson":
His guest was Lee Marvin...

Johnny said, "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima ..
and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."
"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the bottom and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi. Bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting shot hauling you down. But, Johnny, at Iwo , I served under the bravest man I ever knew... We both got the Cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison.
That dumb guy actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach..
Bullets flying by, with mortar rounds landing everywhere and he stood there as the main target of gunfire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life.
That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, "Where'd they get you Lee?" "Well Bob....
if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!"

Johnny, I'm not lying, Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew. The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan. You and the world know him as Captain Kangaroo."

On another note, there was this wimpy little man on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth.
But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat-proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long-sleeved sweater on TV to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. He was a master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat.

After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore, a pacifist Vowing to never harm another human, he also dedicated the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid away the tattoos and his past life and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm.

America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did. They quietly go about their day-to-day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy. Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst. Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened.

Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement, they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr. Rogers.

Send this on, will you please?
Nothing will happen to you if you don't, but if you do, you will be awakening others to what makes a HERO.

All urban fiction, Lee Marvin was at Iwo Jima for sure. Bob Keeshan served in peace time and Mr. Rodgers (a Canadian) did not serve in the U.S. armed forces, he had serious health problems as a youth.

 

[VoorTrekker]

Not snopes from me, try Wikipedia, general search of the entertainers, etc. And Lee Marvin never said that on the Johnny Carson Show.

 

[VoorTrekker]

So I was walking across the Mall and someone told the cops that they thought I was carrying a gun, I wasn't carrying anything.
The cops intercepted me and asked if I had a concealed carry license, I replied, "yes."

They asked what I was packing and I told them "about ten inches"...that's when I was arrested for lying to law enforcement officers....

 

[backlash]

Snopes? Really?

I usually don't rely on Snopes but it was also on a lot of other sites so I just went with them.
They have to be right occasionally.

 

[The Lazy L]

So I was walking across the Mall and someone told the cops that they thought I was carrying a gun, I wasn't carrying anything.
The cops intercepted me and asked if I had a concealed carry license, I replied, "yes."

They asked what I was packing and I told them "about ten inches"...that's when I was arrested for lying to law enforcement officers....

It was 12 inches?

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

little old lady was walking down the street dragging two
large
plastic garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20
bill fell
out onto the sidewalk

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,
"Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.
"I'd better go back
and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me,
Officer."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.

"Where did you get all that money? You didn't
steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady.

"You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course.
A lot of
golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right
into my
flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the
flowers, you
know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of
it?' So, now, I stand
behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him,
grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or
off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop,
laughing. "OK. Good luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

 

[SHOOTER13]

:ROLF:

.

 

[tiffanysgallery]

 

[tiffanysgallery]

 

[Amish Heart]

I do that.
To anybody in the passenger seat.