Jokes and Humor
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Jim
You laugh - horizontal railing is so "in" right now it's ridiculous. For multiple reasons, I really wish people weren't sheeple.
Jim
Maybe a HavaHart for humans. Or a path to a place where their screams will not be heard.
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Subject: Southern cops have a way with words
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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#16 is the great!
- Joined
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The Texas Ranch Joke
There was a city slicker visiting a ranch in Texas. He pointed over toward the corral and asked the rancher, "Why doesn't that cow have horns?"
The rancher replied, "Some cattle don't grow horns much. Other cattle, like longhorns, we saw the horns off about so long. And some cattle start to grow horns when young and we cut out the horn nubs and they no longer grow horns."
The city clicker thanked him with, "Thanks. I guess that explains it."
The rancher replied, "Not at all. It didn't explain anything."
The city slicker was puzzled and asked, "Why doesn't it explain it?"
The rancher replied, "Because that's a horse."
There was a city slicker visiting a ranch in Texas. He pointed over toward the corral and asked the rancher, "Why doesn't that cow have horns?"
The rancher replied, "Some cattle don't grow horns much. Other cattle, like longhorns, we saw the horns off about so long. And some cattle start to grow horns when young and we cut out the horn nubs and they no longer grow horns."
The city clicker thanked him with, "Thanks. I guess that explains it."
The rancher replied, "Not at all. It didn't explain anything."
The city slicker was puzzled and asked, "Why doesn't it explain it?"
The rancher replied, "Because that's a horse."
Dademoss, is that you wearing a suit in your avatar?? Lol, that is too cute!
