Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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We need to change this to the TRUTH thread!
Babe Ruth became the first baseball player to sign a contract giving
him a salary of $100,000 a year. A reporter asked him "how do you
feel making so much money, even more than the President of the
United States?" Ruth replied..."Well I had a better year than he did."
Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said: "Coach Tom
Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch,
he would expect her to cook."
Harry Neale, professional hockey coach: "Last year we couldn't win at
home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play."
Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: "Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."
Doug Sanders, professional golfer: "I'm working as hard as I can to
get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die
after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."
Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher: "All the fat guys watch me and
say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me
another beer."
Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver: "When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."
Tommy LaSorda, L A Dodgers manager: "I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them
don't care and the other twenty percent are glad I'm having them."
E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee
operations: "My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."
Vic Braden, tennis instructor: "My theory is that if you buy an ice cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good."
Tommy John, N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery: "When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did, but
unfortunately, it was Mrs. Koufax's."
Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: "I don't know. I only played there for nine years."
John Breen, Houston Oilers: "We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle; three backs were laughing, and one was pale as a ghost."
Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the
Atlanta Falcons: "The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."
Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: "When I'm on the road, my
greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."
Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner: "I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ballpark that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."
Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage
ceremony was before noon: "Because if it didn't work out, I didn't
want to blow the whole day."
Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach: "I have a lifetime contract. That
means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and
moving the ball."
Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: "I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday".
Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting: "I tell him "Attaway to hit, George."
Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers: "I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you."
George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores: "Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."
Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach: "The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday."
Bum Phillips, Oilers coach on why he always takes his wife on road
trips . . . " She's too ugly to kiss goodbye."
The great John McKay, who coached USC for a bunch of years and later became the initial head coach of those terrible expansion Tampa BayBucs teams had a few zingers. He was once asked after a lopsided loss what he thought of his team's execution. He said: "I think it would be a very good idea."
On another occasion, after a serious whipping he was asked what the
turning point of the game had been. He replied: "The Star-Spangled
Banner."
Former UCLA basketball coach, John Wooden, "Coaching is highly
overrated. The team with the better players almost always wins."
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When the internet first became available to people in their homes, we could rent or purchase a modem. I purchased a modem.
I did that when we got DSL back in Bama. They set up theirs and a week later I had mine up and working. Took theirs back, told them that I do not 'rent hardware', and years later calculated that I had saved $1200
I actually DID do similar things in the past. Was called by Marriott and asked to please stop scaring their staff.
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