Jokes and Humor
- Thread starter phideaux
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- Nov 26, 2017
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When I worked building electronics, we sometimes took a paperclip and straightened it. It looked like a length of solder.
It was fun to put it on your neighboring co-workers desk, and watch him pick it up and try soldering with it.
They wouldn't realize it's not solder until their fingers started to burn.
Jim
Back in the early 1990's my partner was a guy named Travis. He was a really big guy, barely spoke, did not have much of a personality at all and was not one to crack a joke or a smile. But all in all he was a good partner for the 18 months or so we were assigned to each other. One year on Christmas he was running stationary radar and hammering speeders (when he could find one). We were short handed for the holidays so the shift Sergeant sent us all out in our own cars instead of being doubled up. I stopped over to visit with him and asked why he was writing so many tickets on Christmas, he responded by saying "The law doesn't care what day it is". Still, I said, you could throw out a few warnings too. He just shook his head no and said the state wasn't paying him to give warnings. Just then a car came flying up the highway around 15mph over the limit. He locked the radar and pulled the car over. Since I was in the area I walked up to the car with him as a cover unit. After the initial contact he went back and wrote out the speeding ticket then brought it back up to the driver. The second he got up to the car with the ticket in hand the Middle Eastern man driving said "I can't believe you are giving me a ticket on Christmas". Travis leaned down to look in the window and said "You a Christian?". The man said "Well, no". Travis said "You a pagan?". The man said "No". Travis said "Then it ain't Christmas for you". 
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- Nov 26, 2017
- Messages
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An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa…! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure, Chief. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
“Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa…! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for a position in United States Senate. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2017
- Messages
- 375
A Photon walks into a hotel and gets a room. Then bell boy rushes up looking for the luggage but finds none so he asks, "got anything for me to carry to your room?"
The photon looks at him surprised by the question but says, "Nothing, after all I'm traveling light."
Two cockroaches crawl into a bar, one looks to the other and ask, "Think the bar is any good here?"
Santa was having a terrible day. There was only one day before Christmas and the toys were NOT ready, the elves were in union negotiations, the reindeer were all on their period and Mrs. Clause was not in the mood for over a week. So when the littlest angel walked up with cheer and joy in it's eyes and asked, "where do you want the tree Santa?", Santa's response created the reason for an angel on top of every Christmas tree.
The photon looks at him surprised by the question but says, "Nothing, after all I'm traveling light."
Two cockroaches crawl into a bar, one looks to the other and ask, "Think the bar is any good here?"
Santa was having a terrible day. There was only one day before Christmas and the toys were NOT ready, the elves were in union negotiations, the reindeer were all on their period and Mrs. Clause was not in the mood for over a week. So when the littlest angel walked up with cheer and joy in it's eyes and asked, "where do you want the tree Santa?", Santa's response created the reason for an angel on top of every Christmas tree.
Donald Trump and Barak Obama ended up in the same barber shop.
Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been inside a whorehouse all day."
The second barber turned to Trump and said, "How about you sir?
Trump replied, "Go ahead--my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Obama was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been inside a whorehouse all day."
The second barber turned to Trump and said, "How about you sir?
Trump replied, "Go ahead--my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
LOL! Good one.
A guy was talking to his friend about how he can't attract the ladies at the beach. His friend said the next time you go to the beach drop a banana in your swimming trunk.
So he did and the next day he told his friend how the ladies were looking at him and smiling. His friend said next time drop it in front of your trunk.
A guy was talking to his friend about how he can't attract the ladies at the beach. His friend said the next time you go to the beach drop a banana in your swimming trunk.
So he did and the next day he told his friend how the ladies were looking at him and smiling. His friend said next time drop it in front of your trunk.
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Wow!!!!! Only in Columbus, OH... So, I pull into UDF to get some gas on my way home last night, then I headed inside to pay.
As I was walking in, I noticed these two Officers standing and watching a customer who was smoking while he was pumping his gas.
I saw him and thought is this man drunk, stupid, or just crazy? With Officers standing right there? I went inside and paid.
As I was walking out, I heard someone screaming, I looked and the man's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! The two officers literally had to take him to the ground and they put the fire out with their coffee! Then they handcuffed him and threw him in one of their patrol cars. I, being the person that I am, asked the officers what they were arresting him for. One looked me square in the eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM IN PUBLIC!"
As I was walking in, I noticed these two Officers standing and watching a customer who was smoking while he was pumping his gas.
I saw him and thought is this man drunk, stupid, or just crazy? With Officers standing right there? I went inside and paid.
As I was walking out, I heard someone screaming, I looked and the man's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy! The two officers literally had to take him to the ground and they put the fire out with their coffee! Then they handcuffed him and threw him in one of their patrol cars. I, being the person that I am, asked the officers what they were arresting him for. One looked me square in the eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM IN PUBLIC!"
- Joined
- Nov 26, 2017
- Messages
- 375
Jim
I keep telling my wife....
Jim
Jim
Ask my wife....
Jim
Jim
Wow!!!!! only in West KY.. So, I pull into station to get some gas on my way home last night,
then I headed inside to pay.
As I was walking in, I noticed these two Officers standing and watching a customer who was smoking while he was pumping his gas.
I saw him and thought is this man drunk, stupid, or just crazy? With Officers standing right there? I went inside and paid.
As I was walking out, I heard someone screaming, I looked and the man's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy!
The two officers literally had to take him to the ground and they put the fire out with their coffee!
Then they handcuffed him and threw him in one of their patrol cars.
I, being the person that I am, asked the officers what they were arresting him for. One looked me square in the eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM IN PUBLIC!"
Jim
Merry Christmas
then I headed inside to pay.
As I was walking in, I noticed these two Officers standing and watching a customer who was smoking while he was pumping his gas.
I saw him and thought is this man drunk, stupid, or just crazy? With Officers standing right there? I went inside and paid.
As I was walking out, I heard someone screaming, I looked and the man's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy!
The two officers literally had to take him to the ground and they put the fire out with their coffee!
Then they handcuffed him and threw him in one of their patrol cars.
I, being the person that I am, asked the officers what they were arresting him for. One looked me square in the eyes and said ... "WAVING A FIREARM IN PUBLIC!"
Jim
Merry Christmas
The ability of my mind to come up with things like this in a moments notice scares me sometimes.
A friend posted this joke picture:
And my late night response was this (sung to the tune of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer)
You sure it's not the most famous reindeer of all?
Extinction the black death reindeer had a very nasty cold.
He spread it to the other creatures and they died from it we are told.
All of the other creatures used to cough and complain.
They never thought extinction could cause them any pain.
Now they're gone and we can see their bones laying around, They lasted 90 million years before they all left town.
Extinction the black death reindeer will come again some day they say, maybe the silly mammals won't be able to scurry away. Fa-la-la-la.:ROLF::ROLF::ROLF:
A friend posted this joke picture:
And my late night response was this (sung to the tune of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer)
You sure it's not the most famous reindeer of all?
Extinction the black death reindeer had a very nasty cold.
He spread it to the other creatures and they died from it we are told.
All of the other creatures used to cough and complain.
They never thought extinction could cause them any pain.
Now they're gone and we can see their bones laying around, They lasted 90 million years before they all left town.
Extinction the black death reindeer will come again some day they say, maybe the silly mammals won't be able to scurry away. Fa-la-la-la.:ROLF::ROLF::ROLF:
