Jokes and Humor

[Reggaemylitis]

The younger generation may not know it but at one time Willie Nelson was songwriter of the year. Such songs as "Hello Wall", "Crazy" sung by Patsy Cline. "Funny how Time Slips Away" & a host of other favorites. He is also a well recognized poet in his own circle of friends.

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker.

So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher, Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 80th birthday below his esteemed portrait. Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

"I’ve outlived my dick."
A Poem - by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out.
What used to be my pride and joy, Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job, To find the friggin thing.

It used to be embarrassing, The way it would behave.
For every single morning, It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches, It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head, And watch me tie my shoes!!

 

[Clipper]

I'm doing this from memory with bear with me.

The Emperor is ready to give his daughter to marriage and it came down to three suitors he must choose from.

"Men, you are the finest swordsmen so I shall put you to a test." "This will decide who will take my daughter in marriage."

"For each of you I will release a fly and you will show me your skills with a sword."

The first one steps up and the Emperor released a fly.

Swish! Swoosh! The fly falls to the ground neatly carved in halves.

The Emperor is impressed.

The second one steps up and the Emperor released another fly.

Swish! Swoosh! The fly falls to the ground minus his wings as he lay writhing around.

The Emperor is very impressed.

The third steps up and the Emperor released another fly.

Swish! Swoosh! The fly flew away.

The Emperor was astonished. "Alas! He lives!"

The third swordsman said, " Yes your Highness, I spared his life but he will no longer reproduce!"

 

[Curmudgeon]

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

“You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!”

“Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!”

 

[Curmudgeon]

 

[buildit]

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

“You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!”

“Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!”

That would be the shittiest treatment ever used for a cough. :lol:​

 

[Curmudgeon]

Where you from Joe?

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.
Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
"Joe," the old man moaned.
"Where you from, Joe?" asked the police officer.
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Joe replied...
"The balcony.”

 

[Curmudgeon]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’, The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’

The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise’

‘Ah! So sorry,’ says the waiter, ‘I bring you Peeking Duck

 

[buildit]

 

[CrackbottomLouis]

 

[hashbrown]

 

[zoomzoom]

I got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please."

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

 

[Sentry18]

View attachment 952

This answers more questions than it asks.

 

[Sentry18]

This is for you @CrackbottomLouis

 

[Sentry18]

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[phideaux]

 

[backlash]

Taco Bell is not Mexican food.

Yes, just like Olive Garden is not Italian.

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Flight]

How do you fix a broken tuba?

Spoiler

With a tuba glue.

 

[Flight]

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

Spoiler

You can't tuna fish

 

[phideaux]

Worked well for me ....as a room deodorizer ,

Jim

 

[UncleJoe]

Build me an Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a sprinkler system.

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.

"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filling out an environmental impact statement on Your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being. Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."

 

[AtomicFarmer]

How do you fix a broken tuba?

Spoiler

With a tuba glue.

 

[AtomicFarmer]

I LOVE stupid humor. Will be using this on my 9 year old tonight.

 

[Flight]

What?!?!?!.
Lol

 

[AtomicFarmer]

9 year old loved it. Wife, not so much.

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[backlash]

View attachment 1011

I feel the same way about cemeteries.