Jokes and Humor

[threetango]

 

[Caribou]

The whole incident is hazy

Is that why you only have one arm?

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[The Innkeeper]

Is that why you only have one arm?

That’s pretty hazy too ... something about hold my beer and watch this...

 

[Patchouli]

I heard it happened at the Mardi Gras in Orleans

 

[The Innkeeper]

I heard it happened at the Mardi Gras in Orleans

I do remember a lot of beads and a mask, New Orleans may ring a bell ...

 

[Grizzleyette___Adams]

via Imgflip Meme Generator

 

[backlash]

via Imgflip Meme Generator

That is so bad but it is really funny, probably some truth to it unfortunately.

 

[Patchouli]

I do remember a lot of beads and a mask, New Orleans may ring a bell ...

Or maybe it was in Boston at the Halloween party you attended, sort of.

 

[The Innkeeper]

Or maybe it was in Boston at the Halloween party you attended, sort of.

Can’t rule that out either, as I said it’s all a little hazy. Or if I am under oath “At the present time I have no knowledge of, or recollection of, or recolletion of a recollection of, the events of the event in question, as far as I know of or recall at this time”

 

[Terri9630]

 

[Terri9630]

 

[zoomzoom]

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't).

When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[angie_nrs]

I must have that mug!!!

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Haertig]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff had the lawyer spitting up his lunch. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

 

[Haertig]

 

[Haertig]

Sometimes it's OK to use the F word:

 

[SHOOTER13]

^^ **** ^^



.

 

[dancer4life]

I'd say so!

 

[Bacpacker]

I must have that mug!!!

My wife said the same.

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Sparky_D]