Jim
Jokes and Humor
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Jim
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From the Hillbilly Book of Manners:
1.Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at ’em.
3.YES, it’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
-Dining Out
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
-ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
-PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
-DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’
-WEDDINGS
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
-DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
-TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A HILLBILLY MURDER:
1.All the DNA is the same.
2.There are never any dental record
1.Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.Always identify people in your yard before shooting at ’em.
3.YES, it’s considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4.If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5.Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
-Dining Out
1.If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2.Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
-ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1.A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2.Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
-PERSONAL HYGIENE
1.While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys
2.Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3.Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
-DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)
1.Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2.Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: ‘I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.’
3.Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say ‘Monday.’ If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
4.Always have a positive comment about your date’s appearance, such as, ‘Ya’ll sure don’t sweat much for a fat gal.’
-WEDDINGS
1.Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say ‘yes’ to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5.It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
-DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6.Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
-TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A HILLBILLY MURDER:
1.All the DNA is the same.
2.There are never any dental record
Jim
I know of a bulldozer buried in a city park. The city contracted a big construction company to do the work. When the fancy park was being created with walking paths/trails, ball courts and fields, a bulldozer was working in a low swampy area on a Friday afternoon. When the construction crews came back to work on Monday the dozer had sank up to the top of the engine cowling. It would have cost a couple days in delays and special equipment to dig it out. The company wrote it off as a loss on their insurance and finished burying it. It's still there to this day! Every once in a while the beautiful little creek that flows through the park will have an oil sheen on the water... probably fuel leaking from the dozer.
Jim
Thats what happens when you buy 25K worth of fireworks.
Jim
Jim
