Jokes and Humor

[threetango]

Preparing for Florence.

 

[bkt]

By all means, people should have a government approved course to own a gun, or have kids, or speak about politics, or go to church.

You betcha! In fact, I think government-mandated tests should extend well beyond language and math; kids should have to pass ideology tests each year to be sure they're in lock-step with the government and don't have any dangerous ideas, like, you know, "rights". /sarc

 

[Patchouli]

Sometimes when I get home from work I feel like I've been playing in petri dish all day with live active cultures and swab cultures from the bottoms of shoes, barnyards, wally world, and sick children's tongues.

 

[Cnsper]

All of it sounds fine except Wally world.

 

[Patchouli]

What do you mean @Cnsper ?

Mom of Boys
Less Drama Than Girls
But Harder to Keep Alive

 

[Cnsper]

Everything is normal until you get to Wally world.

2 boys and 2 girls. Boys are so much easier. Lol

 

[Terri9630]

My husband has 4 brothers and 4 sisters. His mother said girls are easier while they are young, boys are easier when they are older.

 

[threetango]

Here you go Squirrel Hunter.

 

[tiffanysgallery]

His mother said girls are easier while they are young, boys are easier when they are older.

I have 7 brothers and 3 sisters.

 

[SHOOTER13]

:ROLF:


.

 

[Patchouli]

SO TRUE in our family. There were times where we were hitting the ER 2 or 3 times a week, different kid each time, thank goodness.
Boys are so rowdy and reckless when little.

 

[Cascadian]

Same here we were starting to worry about CPS. One son got stitched up twice in the same weekend.

 

[Patchouli]

After this week, ugh, I really need to be taken out...

On a date or by a sniper, either one is fine with me at this point.

 

[tiffanysgallery]

So... if you pick three... and your children pick three... sharing is caring

 

[Amish Heart]

Bacon and cheese are all I need up there. But hey, I can make my own cheese. So just bacon. But hey, Terri has a pig, so I guess I don't need anything.

 

[zoomzoom]

I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist today. My neighbor will not wake me up early on a Saturday mowing again.
-----------------------
It doesn't matter how much I eat. My shoes still fit.
-----------------------
I think Apple has been brain-washing us for years, making us believe that their products are the best. Just think about it, the first thing they teach us in school is that "A" is for Apple, and the best letter grade is an "A". Well played Apple........ Well played!
-----------------------
I hate when I think that I have bought organic vegetables only to get home and find out they're just regular donuts.

 

[Dutchboy]

Subject: FW: Think twice?



This
> guy brings his best friend home, unannounced for dinner at
> 6:30pm after work. His wife screams her head off while his
> friend sits open mouthed and listens to her
> tirade.
>
>
>
> "My
> friggin' hair & makeup are undone, the house is a
> damn mess and the dishes aren't done; can't you see
> I'm still in my damn pajamas & I can't be
> bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring
> him home unannounced, you stupid
> idiot?"
>
>
> "Because he's thinking of getting
> married."

 

[SHOOTER13]

....

.

 

[Terri9630]

Bacon and cheese are all I need up there. But hey, I can make my own cheese. So just bacon. But hey, Terri has a pig, so I guess I don't need anything.

I have dairy goats! And 2 pigs.

 

[backlash]

Same here we were starting to worry about CPS. One son got stitched up twice in the same weekend.

My wife took our son to the doc for a bad cough.
He looked him over and asked my wife to step out to talk.
He said our son was pretty bruised up and asked her where he got all the injuries.
She said go ask him.
So he goes back in and ask and my son began pointing out all his injuries and explaining to the doc.
This one I fell out of a tree, this one I crashed my bike, this one was playing football and so on and so on.
All badges of honor to a boy.
He was just a typical active 8 year old boy.
Had an ER doc start in on me about why he wasn't wearing a helmet when he tried to jump off a really tall ramp they had built.
I asked him and he said he didn't want to scratch his new helmet.
Told the ER doc to just back off and take care of the boy.
Girls when they are young boys when they are older.
With boys you can always instill the fear of God in them when the really screw up.
Girls just cry.

 

[Caribou]

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. Social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.


The couple produced photos of their 45-foot motor home, which was clean, well maintained and equipped with a beautiful bedroom for the child.


The social workers raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.


“We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills.”


The social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.


“Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet. In addition, there are 17 other children who travel with their circus parents.”


The social workers were finally satisfied.


They asked, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”


“It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon!”

 

[threetango]

 

[Supervisor42]

Morning Biscuits

08-16-2012



I have never been one to observe the tradition that certain foods must only be eaten at certain times of the day. During the summer the heat drains your appetite for lunch and since I don’t eat breakfast, at night I get hungry. One night while surveying the refrigerator I spy a can of biscuits in the back bought quite a while ago. Closer inspection reveals that it is only 2 or 3 months past the expiration date. As my mom would say:

“Those need to be eaten up”. Since the date has more to do with the food quality than safety, I don’t like to throw out food. My wife has nicknamed me the “human garbage disposal”. Biscuits would be good with strawberry preserves. I pop them open and they smell fine so into the toaster oven they go. Wait. Hmm, need something to go with them and I have time. Out comes the skillet, in goes a blob of butter and 4 eggs. Scramble those suckers and they’ll be done by the time the biscuits are done. The eggs are wonderful and onto the plate they go. Check the biscuits; not done yet. Wait.

All I need is some sausage and I can have “breakfast for supper!” Out comes a 12 inch link of breakfast sausage, sliced and into the skillet. This is gonna be good.

Sausage onto the plate; check biscuits. They are brown on top but they didn’t rise. They’re still the same height that they came out of the can. Hmm, that must be because they’re a little old. Not a problem, some butter and plenty of strawberry preserves will make even an old shoe fit to eat. (close to the consistency of these biscuits too). Cover these with a big dose of preserves and I have a plate full of SUPPER! Just need something to wash it all down; ice cold beer (it is 8 PM. after all). Great meal.

My wife and I, both middle-aged, work and have a set morning routine. She gets up, turns on The Weather Channel, and goes to check her Farmville and Facebook in the dining room. This is the 30 minutes that it takes for me to “break the plane” into consciousness. I have always envied morning people like my older brother who cannot stay up past 9 PM. Every morning at 5 AM he would take great glee in kicking our butts out of bed shouting “Yer burnin’ daylight!”

This morning I wake up FULL of gas. It’s easy to figure out where the gas goes that makes biscuits rise when they don’t. I cast a sleepy eye over to my wife’s pillow; it’s empty. Hallelujah, fire at will.

For a while it sounds as if a cruise ship was sailing out of the bedroom and the captain was tugging on that rope to the big air horn for a bit longer than he should.

You know when you pass gas; it never smells as bad as other people’s?

Well, this wasn’t one of those times. It was as if someone threw open the top of a dumpster behind a busy restaurant in the middle of August. I think the blades on the ceiling fan drooped a little more than usual and the weather girl’s skin turned slightly yellow.

But it wasn’t over. I’m gasping for air and another round goes off. I can see a row of cannons on a distant hill firing a volley that echoes thru the valley below. These are clearly not “air-biscuits” but more akin to what made the Doughboys in the trenches dive for their gas masks in World War I. This must dissipate eventually, right?

Nope.

I lay there for a while before the desire to go somewhere where the atmosphere will actually support life finally overwhelms me. I sit up and see, lying silently on the foot of the bed,

my lovely wife of 22 years, her head obviously at ground zero, watching the weather forecast.

I cannot apologize enough.

 

[joel]

You are not funnie or fun.
I going to my safe space & taking all my food with me!!

 

[threetango]

 

[tazo2503]

I laughed my ass off all the way through that 42!

 

[Patchouli]

Don't forget your blankie. I'd lend you mine but I'm curled up over here in my space. Not safe, not dangerous, just virtual. @joel

 

[threetango]

 

[Caribou]

Walk With Me While I Age

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my forwarding it will be worth the effort. Walk with me while I age - worth the read.

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER
































I forgot the words.

 

[Amish Heart]

Good one