Jokes and Humor

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[GrannyG]

And Pooh is on the wall......LOL

 

[Patchouli]

LADIES,
date a man who loves his mom
date a man who has a beautiful smile
date a man who knows how to use a hammer
date a man who saves the earth
date Thor, i'm talking about Thor

You're welcome.

 

[Patchouli]

Sometimes I like to pretend I know what everybody's talking about.

 

[viking]

And sometimes I pretend I don't hear what's being said, I think things are safer that way.

 

[Amish Heart]

Well, Thor is a cool dude, Patchouli.
Maybe he's got brother's, too.

 

[dancer4life]

 

[dancer4life]

 

[zoomzoom]

As I was just coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family’s lives, my friends’ lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton's scandals, Ted, Trump, Fox News, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.

A Mexican showed up with a leaf blower

 

[Amish Heart]

There is an African American man who sells watermelons every single year out of the back of his pickup truck outside our village. He has a big sign that says, Watermelons Blessed by Jesus.
A couple of years ago I stopped and bought one. They all had a "grown in Mexico" sticker on them.
Our grandson that lives with us has Jesus as his middle name. Of course, it's not pronounced that way.

 

[Cnsper]

No, you have as n American of African descent selling watermelon

 

[Grizzleyette___Adams]

 

[Meerkat]

By all means, people should have a government approved course to own a gun, or have kids, or speak about politics, or go to church.

:sarcasm:

 

[Meerkat]

No, you have as n American of African descent selling watermelon

I love watermelon as do most of us southerners.

 

[Meerkat]

View attachment 9145

Yep!

 

[Meerkat]

SO TRUE in our family. There were times where we were hitting the ER 2 or 3 times a week, different kid each time, thank goodness.
Boys are so rowdy and reckless when little.

So true, boys are always getting hurt but one of my daughters was accident prone and dangerous too, filled to the brim with energy.

 

[Meerkat]

A retired physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.


He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."


Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.


Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"


Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."


Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!

You've got your taste back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.


Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."


Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."


Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."


Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.


Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"


Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).


Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"


Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."


*Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"


*Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.


ENJOY YOUR DAY!!!

 

[SHOOTER13]

Amen...

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[tazo2503]

 

[SHOOTER13]

That's messed up man...!!

:ROLF:

.

 

[dancer4life]

Beahahahaha!

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[threetango]

 

[Dutchboy]

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have
a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend
that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a
trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.


At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd
like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute
passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans
over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this
religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'