Jokes and Humor

[dademoss]

 

[dademoss]

 

[backlash]

I am constantly needing a washer. I can usually find 1 or 2 but not enough.
I was at the hardware store and remembered so I bought boxes of 100 in several different sizes.
The price for a single washer was .14 and the price for 100 was .04 each.
So by my wife's logic I saved $10.00 on each box.

 

[jshay]

 

[Wyatt]

 

[Wyatt]

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

 

[Wyatt]

I just found out that Santa Clause raises livestock in between Christmas'...​

I guess you could call him a Jolly Rancher

 

[Wyatt]

A married couple drove down a country road for several miles, sitting in silence. An earlier discussion led to an argument in which neither would concede their position.

As they passed by a barnyard full of donkeys, pigs, and goats, the husband sarcastically asks: "Relatives of yours?"

'Yup,' the wife promptly replies. 'In-laws'

 

[Wyatt]

What do you get when you have 50 female pigs and 50 male deer?​

One hundred sowsand bucks

 

[Wyatt]

An old cowboy goes into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. As he sits there sipping his bourbon, a young lady sits down next to him. She turns to the cowboys and asks, "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences and branding cattle, so I guess I am".

She says "That's cool. I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think about women. When I shower or watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women".

The young lady finishes her drink and leaves and soon after a couple sits down next to the cowboy and the man asks him "Are you a real cowboy?".

He replies "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian".

 

[Wyatt]

How do you milk sheep?​

Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

 

[Wyatt]

The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...​

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

 

[Wyatt]

A woman says to her engineer husband...​

"Could you please go to the store for me and buy a carton of milk. And if they have eggs, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks, "Why the heck did you buy six cartons of milk?"

"They had eggs."

 

[Wyatt]

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced...​

My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!

What makes you say that? the bartender inquired.

Last week, Bill explained, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she'd run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'

 

[Wyatt]

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.​

After he shows how to pull on the teats and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"

The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past your eyes."

 

[Wyatt]

In Wisconsin a woman donated a kidney to a dairy farmer, and he was so grateful he agreed to marry her. The preacher said: what God has joined let no man put asunder. The groom interrupted: what's asunder?​

The preacher said apart. The farmer said a part of what? Apart from your wife said the now frustrated minister. The groom said crap! I already got a part from her.

 

[Wyatt]

A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.​

He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"

 

[Wyatt]

A man walks into a Kosher Deli in New York City and steps up to the counter.

"I would like zee bagel und lox please." He says in a heavy German accent.

The man pays, sits down with his food, and is clearly enjoying it. When he's done, he walks up to the counter again and says, "Zat vas amazing. I can't get food like zat back home."

The guy behind the counter looks at him disapprovingly and says, "Now whose fault is that?"

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Wyatt]

I started a fried chicken joint. In order to be halal, the chickens must be killed in the traditional Islamic manner:​

It's pretty hard getting the little explosive-filled vests on them, though.

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Wyatt]

Tragedy in Eastern Canada​

Canada's Worst Air Disaster occurred earlier today when a Cessna 152, a small two-seater plane, crashed into a cemetery early this morning in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as searching continues through the evening.

 

[Wyatt]

Large tsunami hits Mexico - 300k were killed...​

...Canada sends money, Brasília sends food, USA sends 300k Mexicans.

 

[joel]

So, this dairy farmer takes his son out to learn about milking for the first time.​

After he shows how to pull on the teats and fill the bucket, he says, "Now son, we have to dip your head in the milk to make it safe to drink."
The boy is confused and asks, "You've gotta dunk my whole head in the milk to be safe, Pa?"

The dairy farmer says, "No, son, no..."

"Just past your eyes."

As someone who milked cows all my school years, I do not get it.
Must be a city thing.

 

[Neb]

As someone who milked cows all my school years, I do not get it.
Must be a city thing.

It is ....

Pasteurize vs past your eyes..

A pun

Ben

 

[joel]

It is ....

Pasteurize vs past your eyes..

A pun

Ben

I was right it is a city thing.
Got it, I was raised on raw milk for 19 years, so thanks.

 

[Wyatt]

 

[Wyatt]