Old Age Question About Rural Living Alone

[Amish Heart]

My mom is in a great assisted living place about 15 miles from our farm. My 93 year old uncle and a lot of elderly cousins are there, too. Our family started this place about 35 years ago, and they do a great job. So mom has her own nice apartment, one door goes to outside street side, the other goes to the interior of the place. They have daily activites, meals if you want; but she has her own full kitchen in her apartment. She never leaves unless I'm in town. Fridays she gets her hair done at the beauty parlor there, and this morning she'll be at the church service there till lunchtime, then I'll pick her up. There's pull cords in her apartment for emergency health. There's a "medical" side to the assisted living for those that need full time nursing care. Uncle plays pool every afternoon with the guys in the poolroom. Lots to do. The nurse there makes her doctor/dental appointments, arranges a driver to take her to them and waits for her. They bring her medication every morning for the day, renew her meds if I'm not in town and pick them up. They don't change her meds in any way without me knowing, since that was an issue last years when my sister was doping her up to get her money. This costs her $950 a month plus a few utilities, and her social security and retirement covers it. The place does all that they can to help each resident live on their own and be independent with whatever help they need.

 

[Terri9630]

My SIL was a home healthcare nurse. I believe she lost her license because of stealing patients drugs. Having said that, the good news is that they get rid of the bad apples when they find them. Any group has problem individuals. I believe she was a good nurse at one time but decided that self medicating was an answer. You might get a bad one but you might get a good one. I've bought bad avocados before but I still buy avocados.

My ex step mother did the same.

 

[Meerkat]

My SIL was a home healthcare nurse. I believe she lost her license because of stealing patients drugs. Having said that, the good news is that they get rid of the bad apples when they find them. Any group has problem individuals. I believe she was a good nurse at one time but decided that self medicating was an answer. You might get a bad one but you might get a good one. I've bought bad avocados before but I still buy avocados.

I know your correct that there are good people out there who don't abuse others too. Just not as many as those who just don't care.

 

[Meerkat]

People are living longer now and their children are also older and disabled so it is impossible for them to care for their older relatives. This is why I put up this thread to find out how to deal with the new age world as best we can in our old age when we may not have a choice about who or how we are taken care of.

 

[TMT Tactical]

The best way to deal with old age is to plan for it, in detail. Rural or isolated living requires a whole different mind set. Do you have open space for a life flight? Do you have life flight insurance, it ain't cheap to fly them helicopter in to rescue your tush. Are the doors wide enough for wheelchair passage? Can you reach the stored food from a wheelchair? Hygienic consideration if you are alone? The point is all can be dealt with but may not be viable if wait until these things are required, and are not just a would be nice after thought.

 

[angie_nrs]

No both passed. Mom first and we all new Dad would pack it in. He loved her too much go go on without her.

Sorry to hear that. It was not uncommon to see long time spouses at the hospital with one of the spouses who passed. It was very typical for the other spouse to go within 1 year of the other. I knew one couple who died within a week of each other. I feel bad for the family that has to face such loss all in a short period of time.

I'm curious how that whole thing worked out with your family. Did they know you were named executor before your parents passed? If I'm getting too nosy, please just say so. I hope you didn't have a hornets nest to deal with.

I do agree with you completely that the best way to deal with it is to plan for it. I have a small family so I'm grateful to know that there won't be in-fighting. Although, I have heard some horror stories over family fights in the wake of deaths in the family. Many times there was clear lack of communication and planning that lead up to the confrontation. There was typically some family animosity there to begin with as well. Actually I've seen these fights flare up well before any deaths. I saw it when the parent was in the hospital and needed to be placed somewhere. When families are suddenly put in the position of putting mom or dad somewhere, it can get ugly b/c the kids many times didn't agree on anything! So happy that I wasn't a discharge planner. Not only did they have to find a suitable place, they had to get family agreement (including the patient) and then try to help them figure out the financial aspects of it. You'd be amazed at how many people have never given it a thought. They must just figure that they are going to be alive and then all of a sudden die. Deaths are rarely that sudden.

 

[TMT Tactical]

Sorry to hear that. It was not uncommon to see long time spouses at the hospital with one of the spouses who passed. It was very typical for the other spouse to go within 1 year of the other. I knew one couple who died within a week of each other. I feel bad for the family that has to face such loss all in a short period of time.

I'm curious how that whole thing worked out with your family. Did they know you were named executor before your parents passed? If I'm getting too nosy, please just say so. I hope you didn't have a hornets nest to deal with.

I do agree with you completely that the best way to deal with it is to plan for it. I have a small family so I'm grateful to know that there won't be in-fighting. Although, I have heard some horror stories over family fights in the wake of deaths in the family. Many times there was clear lack of communication and planning that lead up to the confrontation. There was typically some family animosity there to begin with as well. Actually I've seen these fights flare up well before any deaths. I saw it when the parent was in the hospital and needed to be placed somewhere. When families are suddenly put in the position of putting mom or dad somewhere, it can get ugly b/c the kids many times didn't agree on anything! So happy that I wasn't a discharge planner. Not only did they have to find a suitable place, they had to get family agreement (including the patient) and then try to help them figure out the financial aspects of it. You'd be amazed at how many people have never given it a thought. They must just figure that they are going to be alive and then all of a sudden die. Deaths are rarely that sudden.

Not nosey at all, no offense taken. All the family knew I was the executor. I demanded that each family member state in writing what they wanted from the estate and then my parents had to agree what went to whom, in writing. Everything not listed was to be sold and the proceeds split into equal shares. I was selected because I was adopted and had no favorite parent. I was also selected because I am the black sheep of the family (no ties to siblings, just parents) and also because I am a heartless SOB (Son Of a Buck --- gottcha). Everything was handled just as I said it would be. Most did not like it but that was the agreed upon terms and that was what was done. There have been no communication with any of my siblings, except the one that would have been next in line for the job and he is adamant that he does not want it and has supported every decision I have had to make. The estate will not be finalized for four more years (we sold the property but carried the note -- estate made twice as much and the buyer has never even been late on a payment). I will be really glad when the last distribution check is sent out and I am done with this process. Never ever agree to be the executor of an estate. It is a pain in the tush.

I have seen families fight of everything and anything and I have also seen families dump the sentimental heirlooms and just take the stuff with monetary value. I have given up on trying to understand people. Now I just focus on our children (wife kids and my kids) that keeps my busy.

Rural living is not for the faint of heart or the weak of heart. If you are going to live out of the metropolis areas, you better get out your planning book and start taking notes. You are going to need all the help you can get.

 

[angie_nrs]

Not nosey at all, no offense taken. All the family knew I was the executor. I demanded that each family member state in writing what they wanted from the estate and then my parents had to agree what went to whom, in writing. Everything not listed was to be sold and the proceeds split into equal shares. I was selected because I was adopted and had no favorite parent. I was also selected because I am the black sheep of the family (no ties to siblings, just parents) and also because I am a heartless SOB (Son Of a Buck --- gottcha). Everything was handled just as I said it would be. Most did not like it but that was the agreed upon terms and that was what was done. There have been no communication with any of my siblings, except the one that would have been next in line for the job and he is adamant that he does not want it and has supported every decision I have had to make. The estate will not be finalized for four more years (we sold the property but carried the note -- estate made twice as much and the buyer has never even been late on a payment). I will be really glad when the last distribution check is sent out and I am done with this process. Never ever agree to be the executor of an estate. It is a pain in the tush.

I have seen families fight of everything and anything and I have also seen families dump the sentimental heirlooms and just take the stuff with monetary value. I have given up on trying to understand people. Now I just focus on our children (wife kids and my kids) that keeps my busy.

Rural living is not for the faint of heart or the weak of heart. If you are going to live out of the metropolis areas, you better get out your planning book and start taking notes. You are going to need all the help you can get.

Thanks for sharing TMT. So the pain is not over for you. At least they all know what to expect from the Bucks son. I hope everything works out well for the final processing of it all.

It certainly does make a tremendous difference when everyone knows ahead of time who the "boss" is. So glad that your parents made that clear before their passing. I have seen it just be a "surprise" after the fact and that is not good. Typically it's in families who don't get along and the parents just don't want to deal with the fallout, so it's a secret until they die. I mean, hey, I get it......but what a cowardly move. Then again, parents don't live their entire lives just to provide for their kids. At that point, the kids should be providing for themselves. Still, if folks don't have the b@lls to tell the kids how it is, it would explain the needy kids, even later in life. Yes, greed is an awful thing to witness. There's nothing in my parents possession that would make me want to fight anyone for it. If there was, I'd just ask mom or dad to put my name on it or sell it to me when they were ready to part with it. They really aren't attached to anything now, so if I really wanted it, I'm sure I could buy it. I'm very lucky to be in a close family that values relationships over stuff.

 

[backlash]

I have seen a family break apart over a deep freezer that was worth less than $150.
One son took it and another son wanted it.
Big fight and they both died having never spoke to one another.

 

[Meerkat]

I have seen a family break apart over a deep freezer that was worth less than $150.
One son took it and another son wanted it.
Big fight and they both died having never spoke to one another.

Sad huh?

 

[TMT Tactical]

Money, family and friends, may they never meet. I think I was the only family member that did NOT request anything from my parents ahead of time. My parents were important to me, their stuff was just stuff. I did my get dad's medals and burial flag and then gave it to my son, He will retire from the Navy (20 years) this coming October. I felt he had earned the right to have had the flag and medals.

 

[Meerkat]

Well I'm glad I put this up it sure gives me more to think about and lots of good answers too.

 

[Caribou]

A friend was over today. She told a story about an elderly friend of hers that lived alone in a remote cabin that is accessible only by float plane. He had serious medical problems and was found dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound when he didn't appear for his scheduled pickup.

Living in a remote location is quite satisfying but if you don't have the skills and means to extract yourself from your situation it can turn painful and deadly.

 

[TMT Tactical]

I do not recommend living alone in a rural environment. Too many things that could be minor, can turn into a life and death issue. I simple scratch in the middle of your back (the can't reach spot) and an infection can set in. Go for a walk in the woods, trip, blow out a knee and now thee are problems. Rural life can be and will be difficult, you do not want to face it alone. Be a realistic Introverts, You may not want people around but you know you will need to have people around. The Poo can hit the fan and you may need help getting out of the line of fire.

 

[Dutchs]

I watched my dad die a 10 year slow horrible death in a nursing home after a major stroke. My brother died last year after a serious fall and injury to his head after a 8-10 year fight with kidneys and liver failing and died in hospice care 6 days after his fall. If I ever believe i will have no quality of life and i can still use my hand i will end it myself. If i can't do it myself i have made other arrangements I won't discuss....I'm not going through what my brother and dad Did......Just not gonna do it. And i am staying in the woods. if i die there at least i'll be where i want to be......

 

[Meerkat]

I do not recommend living alone in a rural environment. Too many things that could be minor, can turn into a life and death issue. I simple scratch in the middle of your back (the can't reach spot) and an infection can set in. Go for a walk in the woods, trip, blow out a knee and now thee are problems. Rural life can be and will be difficult, you do not want to face it alone. Be a realistic Introverts, You may not want people around but you know you will need to have people around. The Poo can hit the fan and you may need help getting out of the line of fire.

This is what I am concerned about. We live miles down a dirt road and most of our neighbors are old too. The few young people here stay to themselves. Some have family close by but not many.
Yet I don't want to where the family lives either. We tried to buy closer to Atlanta within 50 miles and it was too regulated and to expensive. In low flood zones or on high hills not good fro pastures in our price range.
I worry if I go first he will be here alone,and if he goes first I'd be stuck period. Don't want to live with anyone and sure don't wan to go to Texas where son is. Daughters are busy and not sure just how much they could take of me if I got really down. Ones still mad at me telling her to control her two grandkids, had to tell her I'd whip them and then her if she didn't like it,they stomped on my garden again after being told many times not to. I hear she is correcting them more now though.

 

[Meerkat]

Both of my daughters are going through menapause too now plus one is raising her two grandsons.

 

[Dutchs]

Both of my daughters are going through menapause too now plus one is raising her two grandsons.

OMG! I have done something i don't know any other man has done. I have been unlucky in marriage a few times and i am on my third. I had the pure joy of going through menopause TWICE!!! Lucky me hey.......

 

[Meerkat]

OMG! I have done something i don't know any other man has done. I have been unlucky in marriage a few times and i am on my third. I had the pure joy of going through menopause TWICE!!! Lucky me hey.......

Mine wasn't so bad but they say theres is bad so visits are ok but living there may not be fun.
As the hot flashes get closer the grandkids get better I hear. I joked with one last time we visited, told him your one flash away from danger kiddo. This is why old women don't have kids. I love the little boys but they don't like to mind.
One will be 50 in August and her husband is nearing 60 so they too may need to start thinking about future too .

They are raising these two and it is rough on them and the kids so I do try to understand. This pic was taken this week ago.

 

[Meerkat]

DH mother passed away a couple years ago at 86. She lived alone but had a neighbor who told her if she needed him to call. She was visiting her son and his grandkids came over and the kids were acting up, and throwing things and ignoring the grand parents begging them to mind.
She said, either they leave or I leave or somebody is going to get hurt,lol.
We came from a time when kids didn't get told something 15 or 20 times and then tell elders to shut up.
Sadly she took too much medicine and it poisoned her liver and died within a week. She would not leave or stay with any of her 7 kids. She said she was staying with her deceased husband who was there with her. And she had all her faculties very smart and alert, but got her meds mixed up I guess. All her kids offered her to stay with them.

 

[TMT Tactical]

Family, friends and old age, a very mixed bag. Each of us must set their own mind on what is the best course of action. I do not recommend living (sharing the same house) with different generations. Each adult generation will need their own living space as each generation will have their own concept of what is acceptable or relevant. Different times, different way of doing things. The THH project is intended to be a multi-generational compound but each adult generation (Grand Parents, Parents and Grand Kids -- adults---). will have their own housing units. Adults have a very difficult time sharing space for long intervals of time. In the distant past, it was the norm and most understood how it would be but that did not change the difficulties.

Now if a multi-generational compound is not in the cards and immediate family is not a match for you, then it maybe a good time to start looking for a new friend (without privileges). Two males or two females simply to watch each others back and share some of the burdens of rural life. If hubby does not care (worry) about living alone, then the wife should start looking for a female friend and the opposite goes for the hubby, if wife is not concerned.

If I go first, the wife is headed back to Oregon and city life around friends and family. If she goes first, I am headed out to the boon docks and will start the ground braking on the THH project. By the time I need help (watching) the project will be functional. We each need to learn to look at mortality as a real phase of our current life and not as something to worry about when you get old.

 

[Meerkat]

Family, friends and old age, a very mixed bag. Each of us must set their own mind on what is the best course of action. I do not recommend living (sharing the same house) with different generations. Each adult generation will need their own living space as each generation will have their own concept of what is acceptable or relevant. Different times, different way of doing things. The THH project is intended to be a multi-generational compound but each adult generation (Grand Parents, Parents and Grand Kids -- adults---). will have their own housing units. Adults have a very difficult time sharing space for long intervals of time. In the distant past, it was the norm and most understood how it would be but that did not change the difficulties.

Now if a multi-generational compound is not in the cards and immediate family is not a match for you, then it maybe a good time to start looking for a new friend (without privileges). Two males or two females simply to watch each others back and share some of the burdens of rural life. If hubby does not care (worry) about living alone, then the wife should start looking for a female friend and the opposite goes for the hubby, if wife is not concerned.

If I go first, the wife is headed back to Oregon and city life around friends and family. If she goes first, I am headed out to the boon docks and will start the ground braking on the THH project. By the time I need help (watching) the project will be functional. We each need to learn to look at mortality as a real phase of our current life and not as something to worry about when you get old.

Female friends are not thinking about the future of old age. I think I'll call one of mine and see what her plans are. I do know moving to Florida is sure not one of them. She is heavily into her kids, grandkids and great grandkids. She has money and is always giving to them. But I do think they will take care of her but who knows for sure. The other lives here in Florida about 75 miles away and same story. I only have two close friends from childhood, rest are basiically associates or neighbors.
Most women don't think or plan and that is why so many are left to the whims of their grown children and why nursing homes are so full today.

 

[Meerkat]

I have seen a family break apart over a deep freezer that was worth less than $150.
One son took it and another son wanted it.
Big fight and they both died having never spoke to one another.

hubby has couple brothers who got into argument over a cigarett! Ex smoker told current smoker to not smoke so much, all play music and one had ciggarett on guitar string. That was 15 years ago and they still don't speak. You also have the wives who think only their family counts.

 

[TMT Tactical]

Female friends are not thinking about the future of old age. I think I'll call one of mine and see what her plans are. I do know moving to Florida is sure not one of them. She is heavily into her kids, grandkids and great grandkids. She has money and is always giving to them. But I do think they will take care of her but who knows for sure. The other lives here in Florida about 75 miles away and same story. I only have two close friends from childhood, rest are basiically associates or neighbors.
Most women don't think or plan and that is why so many are left to the whims of their grown children and why nursing homes are so full today.

It can be difficult to find "like", minded folks of the same gender. A question that comes to mind for some, is why does he keep insisting on same gender? Simple, do you want a friend of the opposite sex helping wipe your tush, after an accident? Pus there is less possibility of your current spouse becoming jealous of a friend (new or old) if the same gender as you.

If you do not have any old time friends (family) that want or need to join together with you, then it maybe it is time to expand your search. If you are not going to be able to handle the demands of rural life, then you either get a backup partner or plan to move into town life. Notice I did not say CITY life. There are still tons of small towns where you can get assistance if needed but still be away for all the garbage that big city living brings. Now is the time to start working out the plan. After the spouse departs is a bit too late.

 

[Meerkat]

It can be difficult to find "like", minded folks of the same gender. A question that comes to mind for some, is why does he keep insisting on same gender? Simple, do you want a friend of the opposite sex helping wipe your tush, after an accident? Pus there is less possibility of your current spouse becoming jealous of a friend (new or old) if the same gender as you.

If you do not have any old time friends (family) that want or need to join together with you, then it maybe it is time to expand your search. If you are not going to be able to handle the demands of rural life, then you either get a backup partner or plan to move into town life. Notice I did not say CITY life. There are still tons of small towns where you can get assistance if needed but still be away for all the garbage that big city living brings. Now is the time to start working out the plan. After the spouse departs is a bit too late.

This gave me more to think about. Hubby is finally paying attention some too. But I had to give him some bad examples. He said awful thoughts in his head he can't get over,LOL
It got his attention so what can I say?

 

[Meerkat]

It is not finding good older people to commune with, some have kids who may not be that good of people. Many young today are cyber bots without human emotions.

 

[TMT Tactical]

It is not finding good older people to commune with, some have kids who may not be that good of people. Many young today are cyber bots without human emotions.

That is why folks need to make the plan NOW and then start the search for the right person or persons to make it work. This could literally be a life and death decision, so you don't want to make it in haste. Know what you want / need to do and then know how you are going to accomplish this plan.

The wife and I talked it out, we planned for the financial aspect of the plan and just exactly how we would accomplish the plan. The devil is in the details or in this case (old age and rural living) the lack of details.

 

[Meerkat]

That is why folks need to make the plan NOW and then start the search for the right person or persons to make it work. This could literally be a life and death decision, so you don't want to make it in haste. Know what you want / need to do and then know how you are going to accomplish this plan.

The wife and I talked it out, we planned for the financial aspect of the plan and just exactly how we would accomplish the plan. The devil is in the details or in this case (old age and rural living) the lack of details.

Still no plan but at least have lots to think about now.

 

[Meerkat]

I was reading up on the history of nursing homes aka Almshouses , poorhouse, from the early 1800s till now. Heard people use the term ' poor house ' but never knew where the word came from.

Almshouses were institution types places for the insane, or handicapped and seniors who had no other place to go.
I found this interesting.

http://medicine.jrank.org/pages/1243/Nursing-Homes-History.html

 

[Meerkat]

Also talked to my old friend this morning about the subject.
She said she told her daughter to just put her into old folks home, she didn't want to be a burden on her family. I replied, caring for parents in most countries are not considered burdens but moral and honorable responsibilities, if they are able to care for them of course. Some parents are healthier than their children so of course that is not logical or doable.