Rant for the Day (keep it clean)

[Weedygarden]

Weedy, thank you. I did send a pm to you and while I may not answer with a response tonight, I will do so tomorrow.

I sent you a PM. Thank you for letting me know you may not be responding this evening.

 

[DrJenner]

@Guardian Having been on both sides of this, marrying a man who went through the same thing you have, and being married to a narcissist, I am here for you if you need to hash things out.
Just know that no matter how much you want them to change, it won't happen, and you just have to decide what you can live with and what you can't.

 

[Amish Heart]

Sorry Guardian. Feeling for you.

 

[user 55]

Sorry Guardian. Feeling for you.

Thank you Amish and others .

A thought from me.

 

[LadyLocust]

My rant for the day, the week, the year, the decade.

I love my wife. I have posted concerns here previously. I know that no-one here is a counselor as far as I know. Regardless.... Every single year; we were married in 2005 in a church, Both of us seemed to share religious bases, and here we are.

Around this time of year, the woman I married seems to go "berserk" . She treats me and my family like trash while those parts of her family are golden people in her mind. I keep bringing the issue up and only after being treated like a doormat every single year.

There is no connection here anymore. I need physical contact. Not sexual; physical. Hugs. A caring touch. Anything similar.

At this point I am torn. As I said; I love her. That said. I want a divorce. It almost seems like mental illness but I have tried to get her to visit someone to help us but she is unwilling. Her family is important yet me and mine are not. I decided to wait until after the holiday aka Christmas and we are now past that.

I am strongly considering meeting with a divorce attorney this week yet I stand by my vows which is now causing conflict. It has been for months and actually years. I have no idea where to turn at this point. I am over it. I am over the vid, I am over the bs surrounding it, I am just over the bologna in general.

My rant. Sorry for the waste of time. Good night all.

Don't be sorry. First, you'll be in my prayers. Second, whatever you do, decide, or come up with, let your heart be strong (& I well know how much easier that is to say than to do.) Point being, your values assuming they are good not malicious are what she married you for and are part of you. Standing up for yourself and your heart might be the jolt that's needed so that she realizes your not just complaining about it - that it's that important to you. Whatever the outcome, keep your heart well.

 

[Magus]

My rant for the day, the week, the year, the decade.

I love my wife. I have posted concerns here previously. I know that no-one here is a counselor as far as I know. Regardless.... Every single year; we were married in 2005 in a church, Both of us seemed to share religious bases, and here we are.

Around this time of year, the woman I married seems to go "berserk" . She treats me and my family like trash while those parts of her family are golden people in her mind. I keep bringing the issue up and only after being treated like a doormat every single year.

There is no connection here anymore. I need physical contact. Not sexual; physical. Hugs. A caring touch. Anything similar.

At this point I am torn. As I said; I love her. That said. I want a divorce. It almost seems like mental illness but I have tried to get her to visit someone to help us but she is unwilling. Her family is important yet me and mine are not. I decided to wait until after the holiday aka Christmas and we are now past that.

I am strongly considering meeting with a divorce attorney this week yet I stand by my vows which is now causing conflict. It has been for months and actually years. I have no idea where to turn at this point. I am over it. I am over the vid, I am over the bs surrounding it, I am just over the bologna in general.

My rant. Sorry for the waste of time. Good night all.

I know where're you are friend. I packed up and went camping three years.

 

[Amish Heart]

That's beautiful, thanks Guardian

 

[Cascadian]

The last time I consulted an attorney he painted a pretty bleak picture. He recommended a counselor. That got us over that bump in the road. The counselor was female. I thought that would be better for my wife not having 2 men in the room. The counseling was money well spent. Now she refuses to even consider it again. Honestly I am with you. I am about as close as I have been to saying I am done. However I didn't spend my life getting where we are just to sell it all and split the profits. I think for us much of the current crap is just wearing on us. I am available for pms also.

 

[LadyLocust]

The last time I consulted an attorney he painted a pretty bleak picture. He recommended a counselor. That got us over that bump in the road. The counselor was female. I thought that would be better for my wife not having 2 men in the room. The counseling was money well spent. Now she refuses to even consider it again. Honestly I am with you. I am about as close as I have been to saying I am done. However I didn't spend my life getting where we are just to sell it all and split the profits. I think for us much of the current crap is just wearing on us. I am available for pms also.

Will send one up with your name on it too.

 

[Amish Heart]

Sorry, too, for what's you're dealing with Cascadian. It's really a hard thing when you're getting older. We've had some friends go through it after many years of marriage. It seemed that when both are working it's almost easier to avoid dealing with each other. And then 24/7 together in retirement. We had to make that adjustment last year. I will admit it was an adjustment because my husband has always been an on call work a holic. I handled everything else, and now he sees what I handle. But it was nice this year, for the first time he helped choose Christmas gifts for our kids. And we went to all the Christmas programs together for the grandkids. And he's on the phone with our kids and the family lots more than I am now. Even said he wanted to help plant the tulip bulbs tomorrow with me that our son brought us. He'll be on a scooter and I'll have the bum left foot. Ha. What a pair.

 

[Double R]

My prayers are with both of you @Guardian and @Cascadian. I can’t say anything better than @LadyLocust. My thoughts exactly.
Just to be clear it’s never a waste of time to support friends. I know others feel the same way that we are here for each other. There is no doubt we’re a pretty tight family around here. Perfect example is when tragedy strikes. How many times has help been offered. Prayers been offered. Hugs been offered. Take the support. It’s not good to do it alone. Mentally especially.

 

[Weedygarden]

Guardian, love the song. @Cascadian and @ Guardian
I think this topic could use a thread of its own. It is a topic worthy of a thread, discussion and support. I'd bet there are a number of people who would participate, support each other and seek some advice. A group PM for privacy may be preferable for you. I also know that there are others who are already supporting you and willing to be there for you.
I think this is a tough time of year for people, and those who have already been struggling get to the point where they can't do it anymore. Been there.
Prayers for both of you.

 

[zannej]

I wish I could offer advice on the relationship things but it is way out of my area of expertise. I've never liked people enough to have a serious longterm relationship. I've never wanted to get married and never found anyone I wanted to spend my life with. People sometimes ask me for advice and I have no clue what they should do.

It sounds like your wife may be stressed out around the holidays or something. I know you said you've talked to her about it, but I do wonder what the conversations have been. Maybe asking why she feels so stressed out? There's a book called The Five Love Languages that applies to non-romantic relationships. There needs to be more common ground where both parties make each other feel loved. But, I can't really speak to how to do that.

I hope you can work things out.

 

[The Lazy L]

...There is no connection here anymore. I need physical contact. Not sexual; physical. Hugs. A caring touch. Anything similar.
...considering meeting with a divorce attorney this week yet I stand by my vows which is now causing conflict...

Consider separation instead of divorce?

 

[Pearl]

Reaching out is the best thing to do!! There is always the chance of someone going through what you are going through! The prayers and support here are always amazing! Remember the old saying, HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE! And you are responsible for your own happiness! Maybe there is some way she will see the light and realize she will be without you in her life. Maybe not! You need to take care of you, everything else will go the direction it is supposed to go in!!

 

[Weedygarden]

Consider separation instead of divorce?

And separation may get her attention in a way that nothing else has yet.

 

[zannej]

I should have mentioned that the Five Love Languages primarily deals with romantic relationships but some of the principles also apply to non-romantic relationships. I will say I disagreed with the attitude of the author on some cases- like encouraging a woman to bend over backwards to appease a cheating husband who actually left her for another woman and then came crawling back when the other woman dumped him. Author is a counselor & convinced the woman to take him back. IMO, someone actually leaves like that for another person, it's done. They made their choice. But again, this is probably one of the reasons I'm single. I have enough drama in my life w/o that kind of added drama.

I do hope things can work out. Explaining that you want some form of affection to make you feel loved could help. I'm not great on the advice, but I think asking her what makes her feel loved and such could help as well. What does she need from you to feel happy and vice versa? That's something from the book.

 

[Weedygarden]

I should have mentioned that the Five Love Languages primarily deals with romantic relationships but some of the principles also apply to non-romantic relationships. I will say I disagreed with the attitude of the author on some cases- like encouraging a woman to bend over backwards to appease a cheating husband who actually left her for another woman and then came crawling back when the other woman dumped him. Author is a counselor & convinced the woman to take him back. IMO, someone actually leaves like that for another person, it's done. They made their choice. But again, this is probably one of the reasons I'm single. I have enough drama in my life w/o that kind of added drama.

I do hope things can work out. Explaining that you want some form of affection to make you feel loved could help. I'm not great on the advice, but I think asking her what makes her feel loved and such could help as well. What does she need from you to feel happy and vice versa? That's something from the book.

I agree with you. I get that we all make mistakes, but leaving someone for another can't be taken lightly, imho. When I was cheated on, I was done. Some people will put up with it, but not happily, and not consider it a deal breaker. I do consider it a deal breaker. I wonder what the author/counselor would do if she was left for another, or cheated on? It is easier to tell someone else what to do than it is when it is you dealing with it.

 

[Cascadian]

I should have said "some days". That was not a high point for me yesterday. We are good most of the time, but I can certainly relate to anyone feeling at the end of their rope.

 

[Pearl]

I don't know if this will help, but I feel it's important!! After 30 years, hubby and I have always managed to be FRIENDS!! Above all else I think that is more important than anything for a relationship! Mad, happy, hard times, whatever, you always need a friend! I couldn't live it any other way!!

 

[The Lazy L]

I should have said "some days". That was not a high point for me yesterday. We are good most of the time, but I can certainly relate to anyone feeling at the end of their rope.

Got a book I’d recommend to you:

 

[zannej]

Weedy, author is a man who gave me vibes of someone who thinks women should be subservient to men. He mostly talked about giving female clients advice on how to keep their husbands. A cousin of mine had the situation where her husband cheated on her, left her for another woman, then the woman dumped him so he came crawling back. She took him back & he cheated on her again and again. I don't know if they are still married though. I've lost touch with that cousin.

I'm watching my friend go through stress because he took his gf back after she left him for another guy. He can't stand her but he has a phobia of being single and the girl he wanted to date isn't interested in him in that way. She actually kind of uses him because I think she knows he likes her and she gets him to watch her kids and do all sorts of stuff for her after she left her abusive husband. But he isn't thinking with his brain. At least he didn't take back the bint he had a daughter with. She's even worse than his current gf.

Speaking of my friend, he almost had a Final Destination movie like death today. Someone dropped an Xmas tree on the road, truck ahead of him ran over it and kicked it up at his windshield. He narrowly avoided it going through his driver side windshield by swerving on to the shoulder. It only hit his side mirror.

The Lazy L, that is one of the series of books that I was talking about! LOL. The basic principles are that there are 5 "languages": Physical affection, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, and gifts. He links to a website where you can take a quiz about what makes you feel loved and you can have your partner take the quiz too. Then compare notes. Although, some of the questions don't always apply to everyone. Like, I couldn't answer some since I don't do serious relationships. It also talks about picking your battles and when to argue a point or when to stay quiet to spare someone's feelings.

 

[user 55]

I never expect my wife to be a servant to me. I appreciate her. I respect her. Every single day it seems to be a one sided commitment that I cannot seem to accept anymore. She claims health issues at times. The bed or whatever is a problem since the mattress is uncomfortable. She tried it out before we purchased it. For all the visits to doctors nothing has ever been found. I was with her during medical issues in the past that still never confirmed anything. Who am I to say and given the ineptness of medical "professionals" these days in many cases it might be entirely true.

All I know is how I feel. Even now I want her to be happy even if that doesn't include me. I am angry, hurt, and feel as though none of what I mention matters to her at all. There are times when I mention things that she tells me I do matter but that really does not help. I am so grateful that you have all given ideas and direction here as I really have nowhere else to vent at this point. All these years I have kept on keeping on but it is getting harder and harder everyday.

I am off work for the entire week and my intention is to resolve this one way or another.

 

[SheepDog]

Two questions:
Do you trust each other?
Do you respect each other?

If the answer to either of those questions is no then you don't have a relationship.
You can't love without trust and respect, you can't even have a friendship without trust and respect.

 

[joel]

All my packages came in, one sender had to resend thing not shipped the first or 2nd time, but I got all of it.

 

[zannej]

Guardian, mystery ailments that doctor's can't diagnose can be very draining. It could be related to diet or there could be an undiagnosed illness. I was very ill for several years & doctors had no diagnosis. I moved, got a new doctor-- diagnosed in 5min. As for the mattress thing, sometimes it can feel comfortable enough in the store when you first try it out, but then you get it home and after longterm use it isn't as comfortable. I've had that happen. Especially since my stupid mattresses compress and develop pits. They felt soft enough at first, but after hours of lying in them instead of just minutes, they hurt. Back on the medical thing, I have heard of people, particularly women, being dismissed by doctors & told it's all in their head & never getting diagnosed only to later found out there is a legitimate medical reason but the doctors didn't know what to look for. It's incredibly frustrating. No excuse for her to be treating you badly though.

I hope that you can work things out with her.

My gripe for the day is that I was trying to find some info about my father and was looking for his obituary link but the obituary has been deleted from online records. :-(

 

[Weedygarden]

Guardian, mystery ailments that doctor's can't diagnose can be very draining. It could be related to diet or there could be an undiagnosed illness. I was very ill for several years & doctors had no diagnosis. I moved, got a new doctor-- diagnosed in 5min. As for the mattress thing, sometimes it can feel comfortable enough in the store when you first try it out, but then you get it home and after longterm use it isn't as comfortable. I've had that happen. Especially since my stupid mattresses compress and develop pits. They felt soft enough at first, but after hours of lying in them instead of just minutes, they hurt. Back on the medical thing, I have heard of people, particularly women, being dismissed by doctors & told it's all in their head & never getting diagnosed only to later found out there is a legitimate medical reason but the doctors didn't know what to look for. It's incredibly frustrating. No excuse for her to be treating you badly though.

I hope that you can work things out with her.

My gripe for the day is that I was trying to find some info about my father and was looking for his obituary link but the obituary has been deleted from online records. :-(

Having done lots of genealogy and family history work, when I do find obituaries, I attach them to memorials on Find a Grave. I also add them to people's profiles on Family Search (free), and on Ancestry. I also share many on family Facebook groups which are private. Some people want to keep everything they find private, and to themselves. It is something I've never understood. When I find family information, I share it in places where others will search for it. I have had extended family members reach out to me who were also interested in our history. The 1850 photo of my gg grandparent's wedding got lots of attention from people I will never meet. I was surprised to get it because that was about the beginning of photography and they were really poor people.

If your dad's obituary was in the newspaper, you have the potential of finding it in a few places. The funeral home from where he was buried should have a copy of it, and it may be online. The newspaper records can be found in a few places. The newspaper itself may be able to send you a copy. The local historical group may be able to send you a copy. The local library may be able to send you a copy. I got many of my great aunt's and uncles obituaries by writing to various libraries. It is out there, it is a matter of finding out who will help you find it. If you live in the same place where he died and was buried, a little footwork may help. I've driven to cemetery offices and gotten them. I've also gone to libraries and gotten copies.

 

[zannej]

My local library has bupkis. Looks like the funeral home will only go back 12 months on obituaries now. It had been on the Alexandria Town Talk obituary list but now it's gone and they don't go back to 2009. Tried to look on some newspaper thing but they wanted me to subscribe. I'm trying ancestry but there is no grave listing as we have his ashes & there was no burial. We never got the flag from the military for him.

I no longer have the subscription to ancestry. I had to call to cancel it after he died. When they asked why I said the person who had the account passed away. They converted his account to work with my e-mail though and were very understanding about it.

I've always been fascinated with the family tree stuff. My grandfather claimed there was a Lenape Indian ancestor on his side named Hannah Bush but we were never able to find her. An Emily Conchlin was in the place where he said she was. My grandmother's family came directly over from Ireland so the paper trail would have to go there.

At least now I can manually enter my father's place of birth & it doesn't tell me it's invalid. The hospital was in Paterson but he was a home birth in Clifton. For years it used to say Paterson was the only option I could choose.

I found his death cert, photographed it, converted to pdf and sent it in to a site to request his records for genealogy purposes.

 

[Double R]

Junk blender rant. Splurged on a ninja blender from Costco to blend up freeze dried foods to powder and make smoothies during the summer. VERY loud. Have ti wear headphone or earplugs when using it. Started hearing an intermittent noise that sounded like a bearing going out less than 2 months into using it every other day. Tonight came a burning smell with the noise. It didn’t blend as it normally did either (worked great when it worked). Went to move the unit back to the back of the counter and the entire housing fell apart. Went onto Costco reviews and many more recent complaints just like what I’m experiencing. Most were just 1 complaint. Mine is all of them together apparently. This is the first and last ninja I will ever buy. Now I have to try and find a blender, chopper that will make purée’s and blend up the dried purée’s once freeze dried.
I’m so disappointed and angry. Went to write them an email and you can only call the company. I have a food processor so I guess I’ll use that for now but it won’t do as good of a job.

Update on this rant:
Packed up the unit and took it back to Costco. They refunded my $! So surprised. No drama. They just had to find it in our purchase history. She wanted to put it on a Costco card and was worried that wouldn’t be ok. “Ma’am trust me I can spend it today” $600 later the card was spent and then some. No Vitamix’s to look at. Was hoping to check them out. Not sure they will make powders well. Will keep researching.
bought a bunch of pork while I was there. Once the new laws go into effect 1/1/2022 prices are predicted to get unreal. Time to start raising hogs again. But for now got a decent amount. Time to get to cannin some pork. Thanks for all the support and advice y’all!

 

[zannej]

Double R, I'm glad it worked out for you.

My friend is once again getting screwed by his power company. 2nd month in a row they didn't send him a bill. Didn't even send him a shutoff notice this time. So they shut his power off, he called to ask what gives. They said they would turn it back on and oops, they didn't send a bill so they wouldn't charge him a reconnect fee. They charged him the reconnect fee anyway. That caused him to overdraft. And then his bank allowed a couple of things to do autopay after he told them not to so it overdrafted even more. He needs to change banks and look in to any legal recourse over the power company. This state is supposed to have very low charge for power usage but he's being overcharged-- bills have been over $600 the pat few months. Unless someone is stealing his power & he doesn't know it, I think they are deliberately miscalculating his usage or something. Not sure who he would contact to have it looked into though.