Jokes and Humor

[Pearl]

View attachment 119819

The storm carried them the rest of the way!! It was real!!

 

[Magus]

I dunno what Deja-Vu means, but I'm getting a real sense of Vuja-Day with a hint of bad coco puffs and paraquat toxemia. Maybe smoke a bong full of fruit loops and watch 80's cartoons today? maybe wash away my mind, its universe is mine, but is reality?

 

[Woody]

 

[Woody]

Have women been wearing dresses all wrong this whole time???
https://media.gab.com/system/pendin...es/007/884/817/original/a460e8606d863dc4.webm

 

[zoomzoom]

The Genius of Steven Wright:
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popu, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Woody]

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Sparky_D]

View attachment 119840

I used to work with a guy who had a complete Snap-On tool kit complete with roll away toolbox and tool chest.
If he needed it and Snap-On made it, he had it.
The rest of us had Craftsman or Proto (Stanley's industrial line) tools.

Every time he dropped a wrench, we'd all say "Sounds like Snap-On snapped off!"

 

[Magus]

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work

I wonder this myself.

 

[Woody]

 

[Supervisor42]

Have women been wearing dresses all wrong this whole time???
https://media.gab.com/system/pendin...es/007/884/817/original/a460e8606d863dc4.webm
View attachment 119833

...She needs a better bra to wear that dress . Zoom in.

 

[ClemKadiddlehopper]

Have women been wearing dresses all wrong this whole time???
https://media.gab.com/system/pendin...es/007/884/817/original/a460e8606d863dc4.webm
View attachment 119833

That is just dumb on so many levels. Apparently, you can fix stupid; when it walks in front of a bus.

 

[Bacpacker]

...She needs a better bra to wear that dress . Zoom in.

You really didn't need to point that out.
Now I'm looking for my eye bleach

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Woody]

 

[Woody]

 

[Woody]

 

[Magus]

View attachment 119841

How do you eat a well-done steak? it doesn't even taste like steak!

 

[backlash]

I used to work with a guy who had a complete Snap-On tool kit complete with roll away toolbox and tool chest.
If he needed it and Snap-On made it, he had it.
The rest of us had Craftsman or Proto (Stanley's industrial line) tools.

Every time he dropped a wrench, we'd all say "Sounds like Snap-On snapped off!"

My nephew has a hug Snap-On toolbox full of Snap-On tools.
I always wondered how he could afford that.
After I got to know him I realized they were most likely all stolen and he bought them from his friends that needed drug money.
It took me too long to realize he is a pathologically lying, thieving, POS.
That was an expensive lesson.
He's on my shoot on site list and he knows it.

 

[dademoss]

On the hunt for a book!!

 

[jazzy]

 

[Peanut]

They see this and their licking their lips!!!

 

[zoomzoom]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Woody]

 

[Woody]

 

[Haertig]

That's a sousaphone, not a tuba. (Yeah, I was a band nerd!)