Jokes and Humor

[Frodo]

 

[phideaux]

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid the doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

I laughed so hard my rib cage got a cramp...thanks.

Love it..."did ya bring the money ? "

Jim

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[phideaux]

View attachment 39916

KY hillbillies..

Yep

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Feelings shared...


Jim

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Cnsper]

Saw this today and had to buy it.

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[phideaux]

Ya gotta love KY

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[Cnsper]

View attachment 39955Jim

Wrapped in bacon and infused with nitrates and salt.

 

[dademoss]

View attachment 39915

That one makes me want to barf Too many unpleasant memories.

 

[Peanut]

That one makes me want to barf Too many unpleasant memories.

View attachment 39960

If you own more than one tap & die set and your "easy outs" need replaced... I feel your pain...

 

[phideaux]

Think I'm done with it...

Jim

 

[phideaux]

This would be my SIL...

Jim

 

[Meerkat]

That one makes me want to barf Too many unpleasant memories.

View attachment 39960

I have the cure for rusty nuts, WD40 and a big muscle bound Greek with a sledge hammer..Port Everglades Ship Yard job I lasted 4 hours repairing brake shoes on a ship .We were taking the rusted carter pins out to change the winch,
When he reared back and hit that pin I as holding a punch? against it vibrated me so hard thought my heart stopped beating but knew I was still alive because I could still feel the sand fleas chewing on me as they did the backstroke in my sweat.
I was bar tending and shipyard foreman told me they were hiring and I wanted out of clubs so ask about work there, he said no way ,I told him I'd work circles around any man there,I was wrong. almost fell off the 10 story gang plank, hands bleeding I ended up passed out on the deck with giants standing over me asking in foreign lango if I was alright. True story 1975 job failure.

 

[backlash]

That one makes me want to barf Too many unpleasant memories.

View attachment 39960

I went through that last week. I could not get the pins on my brush hog off. Even my impact wrench would budge them. Finally got the torch and a bigger breaker bar and it came off.

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Cnsper]

 

[Peanut]

Port Everglades Ship Yard job I lasted 4 hours...

still feel the sand fleas chewing on me as they did the backstroke in my sweat.

hands bleeding I ended up passed out on the deck with giants standing over me asking in foreign lango if I was alright. True story 1975 job failure.

Don’t feel bad… I’ve seen lots of men who didn’t last around ships that go to sea. We were in Galveston Bay waiting to take on 100K gallons of diesel fuel and a load of drilling pipe for an offshore drill rig.

While waiting I was painting up on the bow of the small ship I worked on. I noticed a guy on the pier trying to open 55gallon drums. For some reason he’d brought over a cutting torch. I remember thinking “Hope he doesn’t get hurt too badly”. I squatted to get more paint on my brush when I heard the BOOM.

I looked up and a drum was 100ft in the air and still accelerating. I heard later the guy only got 30 stiches in his forehead. Whoops! Moral of the story, never try to cut the top off a 55gallon drum when you don’t know what’s been in the drum.

 

[Meerkat]

Don’t feel bad… I’ve seen lots of men who didn’t last around ships that go to sea. We were in Galveston Bay waiting to take on 100K gallons of diesel fuel and a load of drilling pipe for an offshore drill rig.

While waiting I was painting up on the bow of the small ship I worked on. I noticed a guy on the pier trying to open 55gallon drums. For some reason he’d brought over a cutting torch. I remember thinking “Hope he doesn’t get hurt too badly”. I squatted to get more paint on my brush when I heard the BOOM.

I looked up and a drum was 100ft in the air and still accelerating. I heard later the guy only got 30 stiches in his forehead. Whoops! Moral of the story, never try to cut the top off a 55gallon drum when you don’t know what’s been in the drum.

LOL, Peanut I'll never be on another ship so drums are safe from me.Plus so are all those giant monster tools those guys use,I was sent to get a " ******* file" down to tool shed another walk across gang plank,down 10 floors of skaffel. Had to drag that huge file across the sand flea black pits and up that 10 flights. My last hour on the ship,me and the file made it across the gang plank and I passed out on deck.
Thats SCAFFOLD.

 

[Meerkat]

This would be my SIL...

Jim

LOL, it was so funny,thanks Jim! Needed a good laugh.

 

[Caribou]

I have the cure for rusty nuts, WD40 and a big muscle bound Greek with a sledge hammer..Port Everglades Ship Yard job I lasted 4 hours repairing brake shoes on a ship .We were taking the rusted carter pins out to change the winch,
When he reared back and hit that pin I as holding a punch? against it vibrated me so hard thought my heart stopped beating but knew I was still alive because I could still feel the sand fleas chewing on me as they did the backstroke in my sweat.
I was bar tending and shipyard foreman told me they were hiring and I wanted out of clubs so ask about work there, he said no way ,I told him I'd work circles around any man there,I was wrong. almost fell off the 10 story gang plank, hands bleeding I ended up passed out on the deck with giants standing over me asking in foreign lango if I was alright. True story 1975 job failure.

We had a new volunteer on the ambulance. Luck of the draw, I was the lead on his first run. It was suspected CO poisoning. The rule is on a suspected dead body that only one EMT went in to pronounce so as to not contaminate the scene. That was the last time I saw that man. One run and he never even got within sight of the patient. To do that he had to pass a 120 hour course, at his own expense. You got off easy.

 

[Meerkat]

We had a new volunteer on the ambulance. Luck of the draw, I was the lead on his first run. It was suspected CO poisoning. The rule is on a suspected dead body that only one EMT went in to pronounce so as to not contaminate the scene. That was the last time I saw that man. One run and he never even got within sight of the patient. To do that he had to pass a 120 hour course, at his own expense. You got off easy.

LOL, yep I guess I did. I couldn't be a paramedic,don't have the stomach for it,feel too bad when people get hurt. I use to hate to see men fight where soem girls actually liked it,not me I'd rell em to stop or start crying and they did.

 

[Meerkat]

Rememebr this corny joke from Red Skelton?

" a bum on the steeet said he was hungry and had'nt had a bite in a week, so I bit him".

 

[Sentry18]