Jokes and Humor

[Sentry18]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[backlash]

When I worked at the airport we hired a new kid. Single Dad had been out of work for months. This was a really good paying job. He quit after 4 hours and said it was a war zone and he couldn't see getting hurt for a paycheck.
My SIL hired a girl in the deli. She went to lunch and never came back.
Some people just aren't made for some jobs.

 

[Meerkat]

View attachment 39995

To do list just got longer with an attitude to boot,

 

[Meerkat]

When I worked at the airport we hired a new kid. Single Dad had been out of work for months. This was a really good paying job. He quit after 4 hours and said it was a war zone and he couldn't see getting hurt for a paycheck.
My SIL hired a girl in the deli. She went to lunch and never came back.
Some people just aren't made for some jobs.

Millions more are'nt made fro any jobs.

 

[Meerkat]

 

[Meerkat]

 

[zannej]

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid the doesn’t fit any of your containers.

If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

LOL! My grandfather was bald & my Mom got him a hairbrush without any bristles as a joke. He thanked her and said "I shall never part with it".

 

[Meerkat]

LOL! My grandfather was bald & my Mom got him a hairbrush without any bristles as a joke. He thanked her and said "I shall never part with it".

True love..

 

[Sentry18]

 

[phideaux]

Not y'all , but some I know..

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[Amish Heart]

Yes! That is a true fact!

 

[WVDragonlady]

Especially if I've had too many carbs for supper the evening before. ugh

 

[WVDragonlady]

 

[WVDragonlady]

If I could knit I know the hubby would wear them lol

 

[WVDragonlady]

Yes indeed

 

[Amish Heart]

Ha Ha. I hear the grandkids saying, "Take a picture!" all the time! I can't remember the last time I took a picture. The last time I had a camera?? At least over five years ago. Phone doesn't do those things.

 

[phideaux]

Shaking my head...

Jim

 

[backlash]

I always ask my wife if she has taken her 2 pictures. It seems like how many she takes regardless of the event.

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sentry18]

 

[Fundy]

Great news.. on my COVID-19 test!! :lil guy:

 

[dademoss]

 

[phideaux]

Thadbeme..

Jim

 

[phideaux]

Jim

 

[Bacpacker]

Great news.. on my COVID-19 test!! :lil guy:View attachment 40089

Sounds like Bill Clintons test

 

[Peanut]

I kid you not... this was without doubt the worst late night tv commercial I have ever seen... as well as the most pathetic teddy bear.

It was so pathetic it was funny... "For 2 easy payments of $19.95 plus shipping and handling"

Oh, the flag unfurls out of a zippered pouch in its back.