Jokes and Humor

[dademoss]

 

[Peanut]

 

[rusty]

 

[Caribou]

How Children Perceive Their Grandparents

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I'll probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye. 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both real old," he replied. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try figuring out some of this stuff for yourself!" 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said, warily. "How do you make babies?" "It's easy," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." 11. "Give me a sentence about a public servant," instructed the teacher during a lesson. One small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child." 12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," offered one child. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog. SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS AND ALMOST- GRANDPARENTS. OH, HECK, JUST SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IT'LL GET THEM GRINNING!

 

[Caribou]

GREAT SET OF PUNS FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself that's the last thing I need.

Intelligence is like underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason, details are sketchy.

People are making end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Whatever you do, always give 100% unless you're donating blood.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic.

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photo booth? Someday my prints will come.

A girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club but I’d never met herbivore.

Q: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

A: Yes, we arson.

I've always had an irrational fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

If you're not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light bulb in the refrigerator?

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[Sparky_D]

 

[LadyLocust]

How Children Perceive Their Grandparents

​ 1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I'll probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye. 2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?" 4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both real old," he replied. 6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try figuring out some of this stuff for yourself!" 8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights." 9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6." 10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said, warily. "How do you make babies?" "It's easy," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'." 11. "Give me a sentence about a public servant," instructed the teacher during a lesson. One small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child." 12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," offered one child. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." 13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him! 15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog. SEND THIS TO OTHER GRANDPARENTS AND ALMOST- GRANDPARENTS. OH, HECK, JUST SEND IT TO EVERYONE. IT'LL GET THEM GRINNING!

My mom has had quite a bit of dental work. When my daughter was little, she was sitting on my mom's lap. Mom yawned and daughter told her "Grammy, you have a lot of earrings in your teeth."

 

[dademoss]

 

[Newbri]

View attachment 70851

I dunno. The cut for "men today" isn't that new. I've seen this in quite a few peoples, like old African warriors for example.

 

[rusty]

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given
us candidates.
*~Jay Leno~
*The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
*~Henry Cate, VII~
*We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
*~Aesop~
*If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union Speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
* ~Will Rogers~
*When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
*~Clarence Darrow~
*Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, they go out and buy some more tunnel.
*~John Quinton~
*Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.</ p>
*~Oscar Ameringer~
*I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
*~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
*A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country.
*~ Tex Guinan~
*I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be le ft to the politicians.
*~Charles de Gaulle~
*Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
*~Doug Larson~
*There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
*~Will Rogers~
BUT - my favorite is from Harry Truman:
If you want a real friend - that you can trust in Washington - go buy a dog!

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[Peanut]

 

[kd4ulw]

 

[Peanut]

I found this tonight... It's on the front page of the Tuscaloosa News (AL). This is the list of headlines. Aren't local newspapers the greatest?

Check the two with arrows...

 

[Patchouli]

I swear @Peanut , when I read these late at night, they’re a lot funnier.

 

[dademoss]

 

[rusty]

 

[rusty]

So sad... Please put this on your status if you know or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real and should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity and sympathy does not help. But we can raise awareness! 53% won't re-post this because they don't know how to copy & paste

 

[Pearl]

So sad... Please put this on your status if you know or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real and should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity and sympathy does not help. But we can raise awareness! 53% won't re-post this because they don't know how to copy & paste

Pretty sure it's contagious too!!

 

[rusty]

Insanity, we inherit it from our kids

 

[VThillman]

So sad... Please put this on your status if you know or are related to someone who suffers from stupidity. People need to understand that stupidity is real and should be taken seriously. You could be sitting next to a stupid person right now. There is still no known cure for stupidity and sympathy does not help. But we can raise awareness! 53% won't re-post this because they don't know how to copy & paste

Looks like stupidity is contagious.

 

[backlash]

Looks like stupidity is contagious.

I agree. Just look at Congress.

 

[rusty]

 

[rusty]

I agree. Just look at Congress.

Well, I have heard a bunch of baboons can be called a congress.