Jokes and Humor
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1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion .. . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world but it's OK; everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
6. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."
7. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody; nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion .. . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!
26. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
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- Joined
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- 1,974
I wonder how many people don't get this
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Forty!I wonder how many people don't get this
More like anyone under 40... 
maybe 30.
I was thinking the same as LL when I posted it. The place I found it has a mostly younger group of posters. It had received very few likes, possibly because the younger folks have no idea who Lizzie was...
maybe 30.I was thinking the same as LL when I posted it. The place I found it has a mostly younger group of posters. It had received very few likes, possibly because the younger folks have no idea who Lizzie was...
How clouds form.
Jim
Jim
Jim
True story… I was little, about 6. The adults were digging sweet potatoes in the garden. I was wearing hand me down shorts that were too big. Grandpa took the cotton thread off a feed sack and made me a suspender so my shorts would stop falling down.
None in the house but we had lots of barn cats. I had picked one up, it was looking over my shoulder. Must have seen a bug… it tried to jump but got a rear paw looped in my suspender string. The cat was hanging by it’s foot from my shoulder.
Did I get scratched? I distinctly remember mom putting mercurochrome on the scratches between my toes… I was literally scratched from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. Every cut was bleeding… I looked like I’d come down with skin ebola! Especially after all the mercuochrome was applied. Mom had to get out a second bottle.
